Thursday, December 25, 2008

OY! It's Christmas.

HO, HO, HO, OY! I'm ambilivant about the holidays. So far I've lit Hanukkah candles and wrapped Christmas presents. Admitedly, the "sing along Messiah" is tempting every year, but I think my whiney voice would be a sure give away there was a Jew in the chorus. Ironically, there is a quasi-tradition in my family to watch the Pope deliver midnight mass. My Mom, digs the Pope, what can I say? Christmas morning used to be so exciting, as it was the present post-script to Hanukkah. My little hands were crippled from opening gift after gift after gift; will the fun never end?! December 25, 2008, the year of one gift.

Maybe I should embrace the SPIRIT of the holidays and give up thinking the Fed-Ex truck will pull up with a pile of presents that were over-nighted? Bah Humbug, I have until 2:00 before I abandon all hope, burst into tears, and start drinking heavily. I could dress up the dog for holiday cheer. What outfit would cover Santa and Judah Maccabee? And that would beg trick or treating, which would in fact perk me up! I could also do what all Jews do on Christmas....go to a movie or many many movies, there's approx 12 hours to kill. It's our answer to the "sing along Messiah".

It's 10:00 a.m, I've opened my one present. Now what? Hang on just a minute! I could make the 11:00 showing of "Frost/Nixon", a 2:00 "Revolutionary Road" , the 5:00 "Doubt", a 7:30 Gran Torino, and "The Wrestler" at 10:00p.m.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Quick before it's 2009!

HELP! With only 9 days to go in 2008 I haven't even gotten started on my New Year's resolutions. Ok, ok, I'm a loser, but I still have time. If I do nothing between now and Jan 1 but focus, focus, focus, maybe I can get them all in under the wire. Thank God weight loss wasn't on my list because I'm hungry. Btw some of my resolutions were "iffy" like, "I could spend more time in the grocery store" (note the word "could"). Ixnay to that one, I do not feel like buying a last minute holiday ham. I didn't "whine" less, because that's simply impossible and I'd be unrecognizable to my friends, so whhhhhhhhhy would I do that?

There is no way I'm drinking less wine; I've decided that would be stupid. Cheaper yes, but absolutely no fun. Now here's a biggie and I'm certain waiting to the last minute, makes it impossible... a colonoscopy. I'm the hold-out in my peer group. It seems to be a really popular event and sadly I didn't get to participate in any of the lively colonscopy banter this year. Now, I bet all the docs are on vacay,and it'll have to wait until 2009 or 10 or 11. I confess I couldn't kick the "All My Children" habit. "Erica, I'll never leave you". I would kill however, to know the name/phone number of her plastic surgeon. It's no fair she never ages and I do.

Ah ha! There is one last 2008 resolution that's possible to in the kitchen. It's on everyone's, "places you've had sex other than the bedroom list", except mine and I resolved this would be the year for the addition. Hmmmmm, I have 9 more days and it doesn't require grocery shopping.

Friday, December 19, 2008

SURVEY SAYS.....pick your pleasure.

SEX or the INTERNET? Which would you give up for two weeks? Yes, they did a survey, and why, I have no clue. But SURVEY SAYS....46% of women and 30% of men over 35 picked the internet over sex. Dearies what are you trying to tell me? Wait, there's more shocking news... the percentages increased as the demographic lowered in age. Between the ages of 18 -34, 49% of women picked the internet and 39% of men. BAFFLING. Hold on there girlies, those youngins' are hot. Quick, have lots of sex with them before they're middle aged. Or keep your computers on and hand one of those boys over to to me for two weeks.

I confess I'm an internet junkie. My little laptop calls to me the minute I walk in the door. I barely have my coat off before I run to turn it on. I have no control over this impulse. I've tried to stop myself, pour a glass of wine, relax, but I can't! It's no use I sprint to my office, wine spilling everywhere, and impatiently wait for those narcotic words "you've got mail". AHHHHHH!!!!! Is this the new orgasm? Trust me, there's never anything but junk mail and I spend the next ten minutes disappointed and deleting. Is this really better than sex? Is it? Is it? Is it?

How did this happen? If you're a hypocondriac like me the internet is a DREAM COME TRUE . I can "google" every single ache and pain. I've spent hours just on my left knee. Diagnosing my knee has kept me fascinated for weeks, only briefly interrputed by the research I've done on my cracking right thumb. Btw, my knee still hurts and my thumb is ok. Which makes me wonder whether my medical symptoms are better than sex. Hold on, hold on, don't judge me Briton 1/2 of the men polled said they'd give up sex for 6 months or more for a 50 inch plasma tv!!!! Now that's a trade I wouldn't make. How about you? Survey says....

Monday, December 15, 2008

KISS ME ! But only if you can.

Searching for a perfect gift for that special someone? I'm not... unless it costs the $3.27 I have left in my wallet. Face it, this year's gift giving is going to take some "thinking outside the box" given the economy. Ever wonder what's inside the box and why it's never a good idea? I read in the paper that one of the questions most asked on "Google" was "how to kiss". Wow, and huh? Now granted you can't wrap kissing lessons up in a pretty little package but if someone's a bad kisser, teaching them would be the greatest gift of all; a humanitarian act in my "play book". Does Jimmy Carter know the good will this could spread?

Isn't it down right nerve wracking wondering whether or not someone is going to be a good kisser ? I've spent entire first dates sitting across from a man and while I might have been talking about movies, politics, or weather patterns, I was really only thinking about how he kisses. This is time consuming, anxiety provoking, usually gives me a headache and sometimes hives. Good kisser? Bad kisser? Good kisser, bad kisser? I haven't heard a word he's said, nor cared. Then my specially created , "Oh please let him be a good kisser prayer" kicks in. How great would it be if this worry was eradicated?! But alas, the bad kissers are still out there. Crap. It's really, really, sad when the big first kiss is just about to happen, the moment I've focused on all night... the anticipation building... my head pounding... the prayer endlessly running through my brain ... my cute date gets closer, closer, ever closer ... at last the time has arrived and then ..... "OH NO, OH NO, BAD, BAD, BAD what is he doing"? Oh God I think he broke my front tooth! No, no, not a drooler! He's ruining my new dress. I need a dentist. Is there a 24 cleaners near by??!

I desperately tried to teach someone to be a better kisser once. If you think it's quick and easy you're wrong. I worked diligently at it on every date. Trust me, it wasn't fun or sexy and hurt my jaw, but it was better kissing or hasta la bye-bye. Finally, after 4 or 5 failed attempts... hasta la bye-bye. He never caught on to the nuances of a really great kiss and I couldn't afford chipped teeth.

I recommend if you're searching for that special gift, for a special person who is sadly a bad kisser and you don't want to dump him/her ....give the gift that keeps on giving, contributes to humanity and is cheap... kissing lessons.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Blessing of the SUVs

Now I've heard everything! I was shocked and awed. I had no idea Sunday was "bring your General Motors car to church day" did you? I've heard of the blessing of the pets and the hounds, but not the SUVs. Yep, it's true, it's true... Pentecostal Bishop Charles H. Ellis III in Detroit shared his sanctuary's WIDE body alter on Sunday with three, I say three, shiny sport utility vehicles! Wow Bishop, that was mighty creative thinking to have the cars on stage for a, "Lord please help bail out Detroit" service. To make matters ironic the vehicles were all gas-electric hybrids! I guess it's better late than never? But not really. I heard they've been hiding those electric babies away since 1997/8. Bummer that they weren't cost effective, and screw futuristic thinking... but let us pray anyway.

"We have done all that we can do in the union, so I turn it over to the Lord", General Holiefield, a U.A.W. vice president for Chrysler, told the congregants. Ok, but what about those fat union contracts Lord, do they get to keep them and get bailed out? Mixing bail-outs and religion is down right confusing isn't it? Besides, I think the Lord was busy Sunday trying to get the Detroit Lions in the end zone so they could win one football game. I believe Monday would have been a better time to get his/her attention.

And just one more teensie weensie detail. Sorry to bring this up in the middle of a prayer but what about those crappy cars the BIG THREE insisted on producing? The ones that weren't built to last? The ones that got really, really, really, low gas mileage. Is it hard to make better cars? Oh, but hold on just one second didn't the Japanese figure out how to produce cost effective, fuel efficient automobiles? I think they did. Bishop Ellis, I say after church ditch those SUVs and buy Japanese.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

No News Is No News

I AM SICK, SICK, SICK of the news. I'm tempted to cancel the New York Times, turn off the incessant wack-a-doodle chatter of the talking heads on my tv screen, and watch internet porn instead of internet news. Here's a flash for all the journalists...OBAMA ISN'T PRESIDENT YET. This is why we address him as "President Elect". It means, now listen carefully...he's been elected but not taken office. Wow, that must be confusing. Read it again, if you got lost the first time. Why, why, why is he being criticized all day, every day, by the media? He's too left, he's too right, he's too centrist. He's supposed to be friends of the liberal left, but he's shifted to the right, but he's not right enough, he's too in the middle, but not in the middle enough. Jackie Mason can take it from here!

Can't we take a national collective deep breath? The race for the White House were some of the worst months or was it years of my life. Tempers flared, voices were raised to the "can shatter glass" level, and I feel lucky to have survived without challenging one of my friends to a duel. It's over, it's all over and yet no one's happy, not even the New York Times. Why don't they write about how good Obama looks in a suit? Or his choice of ties, which btw is excellent. Now I feel relaxed and the knots in my stomach have unclenched. Why has political speculation become gospel truth? The man is putting together a cabinet and staff, leave him alone. He can't do anything, not one freaking thing, not even have people over for milk and cookies at the White House , and yet if you read/listen to the news , he's practically a failed President. Whoa, that was it time for another election already?

I for one would like to start an all happy news channel. How about hearing there's a yummy bake sale in your neighborhood, or my yellow Lab Elliot learned to sit, or blue is the new black this winter? Stay tuned, you're going to like this channel....I promise.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Frosty the Freaking Snowman and Me

HELP ME! It's back... it's big..., it's heavy..., it's white, white, white, and it's everywhere! It's snow. Oh God, how I hate the stuff. I'm about to put a carrot nose and prune eyes on my car and name it Frosty the Freaking Snowman; no hat, I don't like hats. I'm sure someone would look at my yard and declare it a "winter wonderland". I look out, start to hyperventilate and dive for the Xanax. My mortal enemy, the weatherman on channel five, is happy. He loves storm warnings. He points to the map giggling while he tracks 12 feet of snow right over my roof. I take it personally. I think he has the absolute most fun when he can interrupt "regularly scheduled programming" and warn of weather horror. Someone please get him fired. I need a sad man who feels really really bad about storms, not Mr.Smiley Face.

I've piled my winter snow outfit on my bed in case there's a break in the giant man eating flakes and I can make a run for it. I'm exhausted looking at the mound of garments. Poor little Heidi , how did she manage? I feel her pain. Long underwear, turtleneck, sweater, down vest, three inch thick socks, mittens, parka, and big black boots; this is my sexy winter wear. No sex 'til spring I'm afraid. I look longingly at my little tank tops trying to hold back the tears.

Please no talk of cross country or down hill skiing as fun snow activities. This does not cheer me up. Send sympathy cards, or candygrams if you want to help.On second thought forget the cards, just send candy!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

"Hamlet" goes holiday shopping

"To shop or not to shop, that is the question". Isn't it? If you don't like to spend time alone I don't recommend it. I was the only person in Neimans last Thursday. I had 47 sales people all to myself. I was doused in perfume and made-up by three different cosmetic vendors. No, it didn't help and yes, I was smelly. I am however, loaded down with samples of miracle skin creams designed to save me from facial ruin. Generous, but too late. I wandered aimlessly from department to department looking for signs of life. Nope, just me trudging from sale rack, to sale rack to sale rack. I began to ponder, "Could I singlehandedly save the economy buying a new sweater"? The pressure was staggering and tempting.

If only I hadn't read the newspaper that morning, crap. The sweater was oh so soft, but the economy was even softer. The headlines screamed recession, the stock market dropped another 500 points , General Motors wanted to be saved from it's wasteful unconscionable self, and I sported a whole new vocabulary filled with the words: asset backed securties, bundled mortgages, and credit default swaps. Sadly, I can use every freaking one of them in a sentence. I looked at the sweater longingly with tears in my eyes. It was on sale from $360 to $245. I checked my forehead to see if I had a fever. I stuffed it back on the rack and realized I had to save myself from myself, and not the economy. Sorry, Hank Paulson. It looks however,like I could use a bailout package too... can Gail the art dealer, be helped after GM?

Happily, I can now report I have a favorite new place to shop and wow is it ever cheap! Pack up the kids and go to the gas station. I paid UNDER $1.99 a gallon ... does anyone think that's better than sex? So this holiday season I'm going to buy a dozen one gallon containers and give all my friends the gift of gas.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

"Here comes my 19th nervous breakdown"

I was on the verge of a psycho-technological breakdown.... the 21st century replacement to the good old fashioned, "nervous breakdown". Wasn't it easier when family or life events drove you crazy? Instead I pound on the keys of my computer screaming because I have so many entry codes I can't remember which goes where. No, I do not have anger issues! I have "user name" and "password" dementia. I have no idea who I am on any given web-site. Was I an animal, vegetable, mineral, or my date of birth backwards the day I joined? "Artichoke" sounded familiar because I'm a vegetarian and like them, but I also like fruit and tried watermelon both flashed, "password error" and I burst into tears. In personal defeat I clicked the loser option, "forgot your password". Of course I forgot my freaking password, I have approx. 2,000 . I'm drowning in names and number combinations all for the sake of internet security. How could someone steal my identity when I can't even remember my own name?

It was 9:15 a.m and I was on the verge of destruction. I put my head down on my keyboard and tried to take a deep calm breath, but I was wheezing and had begun to itch.  Who was I? I know I wrote it down....did I use capital letters or all lower case?  Oh no, was this site "case sensitive"? Whose idea was "case sensitive" and are they on a watch list? I needed a cabana boy with a tropical drink. I needed a Xanax. I was at the top of the steps considering jumping ( there were only two). I've typed in every name I could think of and the web-site said it wasn't me. IT'S ME, IT'S ME; who else would it be, for God's sake, or was it?  Even I was confused.... I was having a psycho-techno meltdown.

Should I call for help? Is there a hotline for people driven to insanity by their computer? If there is, would I need a user name and password?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Could Viagra in the drinking water be next?!?!?!

HAY CARUMBA!! I can't believe what I just read. Hopefully Mayor Daley hasn't heard the news! The Mayor of Mexico City is giving out free Viagra and various other impotence drugs to men 70 and older. Is this part of the NAFTA agreement, in very, very, very small print? What's up with this? Whoops, bad pun... It seems the wackadoodle Mexican Mayor believes, "sexuality has a lot to do with the quality of life and our happiness". Wow, the way to a happier country is through erectile dysfunction drugs and NOT free elections. Sorry, Jimmy Carter you may not be needed in the third world anymore to count votes... just pass out meds. Oh and President Bush before you go, bring the troops home, and unite Iraq with pharmaceuticals. Why didn't Dick Cheney think of this, he's over 70 and looks unhappy? Besides it's a hell of a lot cheaper than the invasion. Instead of democratizing the world ...oh you get the point.

I think in this country we have plenty of Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis. Men are free to pop the pills hourly, in ten minute intervals, by the handful like yummy blue M&Ms, or in place of a daily vitamin. We CARE about the happiness of our citizens. Oh but wait! Hold on just one sec...what about women?! How many women are happier as a result? I'd like to hold a special election with that question on the ballot. Maybe we can get one of those "trophy wives" to count the votes, after all who's more qualified to know about sex with a man pumped full of Viagra? Hey girlies, wanna help? Maybe you'll get to meet Jimmy Carter.

I say congratulations to the Mexican Mayor for creative political thinking, but he may have some serious "splainin" to do to the women of Mexico City.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Economy May Be Sagging, but You Don't Have To!

Who wants to be part of a special "group rate" face lift with me? Oh come on, it will be fun. I'll have everyone over for a "kiss your old face good-bye" party...and yes, I'll pay for the food and alcohol. I just read in the New York Times that with the economy collapsing so is the cash cow business of plastic surgeons and dermatologists. Some of these docs are now running specials. Wow, it's like a big sale at Bloomingdales, or last call at Neimans. Let's go, go, go. If a face lift sounds like too huge a plunge how about all those fun face fillers that are so freaking expensive? A little plump -me- up, before lunch? Or Botox for breakfast? There's a doctor in Duxbury Mass. doing a two-fer; two syringes of filler for the price of one. I just fainted (needle phobia). Well, just pick me up off the floor and fill up those nasty naso-labial folds.

See, economic collapse isn't so bad, if you can get 20% off on cosmetic surgery, right? Even if you don't need any facial work it might be the perfect time to perk up your gravity plagued breasts or tuck the tummy. Sucking in my stomach sure gets exhausting and push up bras can be so damn uncomfortable. I hear opportunity knocking. My mom might want to join us....never too late even at 90 to try and look 80 again. My group offer does not exclude men. Oh, you're out there with those big mid-life stomachs. Listen up, they are not attractive and women do notice! To say nothing of the lines you think reflect "character" or the turkey jowl neck. I say it's time for you too!

Who's in? Let me know asap.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The "Z" Effect

My blog disappeared! I woke up last Friday morning and ZAP, presto chango, hasta la bye-bye, "gonepausal" had morphed into "godaddy". And for God's sake who or what is "godaddy"? Calmly, I got up from my desk...then started running around the house screaming! It felt pro-active. How could this happen? How, how, how? I ran to the mirror to make sure I was still there. Yep, there I was, dark roots, wrinkles and naso-labial folds staring back at me. I really had to find a plastic surgeon once I stopped screaming. Anyone have a recommendation, I'm taking names. But first I had to call someone, anyone to save me! I needed an internet ambulance.

It's an incredible bummer or like a really bad acid trip when you realize THERE ARE NO PHONE NUMBERS IN CYBERSPACE. I teethed on phones: rotary dial, my precious pink push-button Princess phone, 10 lb portable phones, original foot long cellular phones, and now tiny, tiny itsy bitsy cell phones. I'm a person who can't live without a dial tone! The internet doesn't have people to call for help, it has "options" on which to click... and click... and click. I spent the entire freaking day clicking. And crying. I finally figured out I had let my domain name, "gonepausal" expire and it was snatched away. Now Peter someone is "gonepausal". Peter, got hot flashes dude?

I was lost, despondent, and calling a therapist when the letter "Z" saved me. By changing one letter I could be oh so close to my original blog name. Take that pausal Pete! I'm eternally grateful to my sister for being the genius behind "z" and web-guru Airan for attaching my old blog to the new spelling. At the end of a very very long angst filled day I could only has passed me by and I really do need the name of a good plastic surgeon.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


I can't find the owner's manual to my car which makes it impossible for me to change my clock to Central Standard Time. I desperately need the directions. Then I had the big "ah ha" moment... think how much easier life would be if we all came with an operating manual. Our own personal book of instructions;it's genius! No muss, no fuss,don't ask, just read the manual. Think of the people you would never have dated,married or slept with; wow, a real time and money saver. The most important element of course would be complete and total disclosure. No hiding the truth about what a raving lunatic you are before chugging that first cup of coffee, or fudging the numbers about how much it really costs to have a wrinkle free forehead or hair plugs. The beauty of this brings tears to my eyes! The people who don't run off screaming at the end of the manual are either, retired Green Berets nostalgically looking for a search and destroy mission, or someone as crazy as you are.

Personally I think I'd attract a lot of Green Berets. The hardest part for me would be age disclosure. Sorry Mom, I might have to give up my vow of silence. For starters, I'm the aforementioned raving lunatic before coffee. And after coffee. But not apres a glass of wine approx 9 hours later. I know this begs a lot of cranky time. Is anyone still reading? I don't eat until noon, so ixnay me if you like to go out for breakfast or want me to sunnyside up the eggs. While we're on food, stop reading if you don't like to eat dinner out or don't believe the cocktail hour is spiritual. I've lost more readers, haven't I? There would be a short chapter devoted to bedding. .. oh, and snoring.....and also ticking clocks. Must have at least 400 thread count sheets, absofreakinglutely no snoring and all ticking must be silenced. Oh God, no one will read to the end will they? HOLD ON A SEC! Here's a really good chapter, "I hate, hate, hate, to go shopping"! Oh wait, another great read is, "I love sports , watch the entire NCAA Basketball Tournament and listen to ESPN radio". I'm guessing a very, very, very, small group is still turning the pages.

I'll never be a best seller.

Monday, November 3, 2008


Who hasn't decided? You people need to hurry up. Use a dart board for God's sake, or flip a coin, time's running out. How can you not know? What hasn't been said? Is there one teensie weensie word that hasn't been uttered that would cinch it for you? Twenty four hours and then it's over! Lord have mercy! I was just about at the end of my sanity. Another week and I'd be walking around with a Valium drip attached to my arm. I've been avoiding talking to people for weeks, months or is it years? I put a moratorium on political conversations but it didn't matter, no one paid attention to my pleading. They kept jabbering on and on about John and Sarah regardless of my screaming "GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE"!!! I've only watched the weather channel to avoid politics but Alaska was on the big old national map, and I became depressed.

The only thing I'll miss after the votes are counted is Tina Fey as Sarah. I think we'll all miss her. Tina you were kick ass. I hope on Wednesday when I come out from under the bed where I've been hiding, I'll be able to talk to people again. If it's sunny I think "isn't it a nice day?" would be a good way to get started. I really, really like how that sounds .... "isn't it a nice day"? My medicated isolationist position has kept me out of touch, but a lot less agitated.

And please, please, please, regardless of who wins, no talk of 2012. I need to get my hair cut and roots done, to say nothing of how crappy my nails look...I don't want to go back in hiding for at least three years.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

"For Richer or for Richer"

Has anyone considered the impact the economy is having on trophy wives? OY! They must be having a really hard time. Yikes girls ,"for richer or for poorer" has become the DREADED "for poorer"! Not what you signed up for, is it? Oh but don't fret, maybe old men are fun even without money?! The two of you will have quality "alone time" now that charity galas are not in the budget. I know, I know, you loved the designer party clothes , but sweat pants are fun for staying home. Perk them up with some jewelry; if it's not being auctioned. There's love without Van Clef and Arpels, right? Btw, buying nail polish at Walgreens is a real cash saver. Did I say something sad? I'm sorry. And with no money for open toed Jimmy Choos or Manolos, hasta la bye-bye to pedicures. See how fun frugality can be!?

About the second home...who needed all that schlepping. I'm certain you didn't marry for a little old house in Aspen or St. Barts. And you know what else "for poorer" means?... no more personal trainer. Whoa, now that's hitting below the belt. So darlin' step away from the brownies. I feel your pain because I love brownies also. Is it too late to re-negotiate those crazy wedding vows? How does "for richer or for richer" sound right about now?

I'm curious, are any of the trophy girls longing for their pre-marital boyfriends... the age appropriate hotties that had hair, height, and no body fat? It's funny what happens in an economic down turn.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Re-name Wall Street and win an SUV

Wall Street needs a new name. I'm sick of that freaking street . I want a happier sounding place. Too bad "Wisteria Lane" is taken by those wacked out housewives. "Wall Street" sounds so dark and depressing; somewhere you'd never want to picnic or vacation with the wife and kids. How about a name changing contest to perk up America? What would be more fun on election day than a contest form attached to the ballot? "Re-name Wall Street and Win a Hummer". I think they have thousands sitting around and would be delighted to unload one. For the next two weeks instead of agonizing over the Presidential race, global recession and asset backed securities we could brainstorm some fun names; kind of a national pick-me-up.

I'm bummed out by those plunging Wall Street numbers. Up, down, down, down, down... oh wait a last minute rally...nope down 835. My nerves are shattered and my mood swings put me in the "Sybil" category. To say nothing of the doomsday hysteria of the CNN, CSNBC, MSNBC, and FOX market analysts. Can someone get those people Xanax asap!? Is it just me or do they seem giddier when the market crashes? Wow kids, good job scaring the crap out of the viewers.

How about it, a "kinder, gentler" name for that depressing old street? So this election day who wants to win the Hummer?!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Come Party with a Saudi Oil Baron! and maybe Alan Greenspan

I'm throwing a party and everyone's invited. I've got a huge day ahead making arrangements. I'm sorry about the short, short, notice, but the gala event is tonight before it's too late. Cocktail attire please but if that's not possible, then business casual. (If you work at home exactly what does that mean)? Since I'm not usually a party giver I'm nervous about details like food. Maybe you should eat a little something first. Oh btw, BYOB. The cheap rumors are true. I'm trying desperately to get a Saudi oil baron and some OPEC members to attend.

What's more spiritually uplifting than "last call" at Neimans? Nothing? Wrong. Gas for $2.95! Oh my God, be still my heart and why does this make me so damn happy? There it was on the horizon calling to my little Honda... "I'm over here ...$2.95 a gallon... like a dream come true"! Isn't this better than sex? I jumped out of my car and filled my tank as fast as I could in case the price went up. I was sweating and shedding tears of joy. I ran into the gas station to share my jubilance with anyone/everyone who was there. Honestly, I was disappointed there was only one guy eating a hot dog with no noticeable tears of joy, but probably heartburn.

I hope anyone who attends my gas station gala needs a fill up. $2.95 is so much more fun than $4.00 a gallon, which quite honestly gave me stomach pain and a deep sense of financial loss. Should I invite Alan Greenspan? I bet he has a tux and could use a pick me up after being blamed for his part in the country's complete economic collapse. "W" likes Saudi oil barons, so he might have a good time. And absolutely no one bring Dick Cheney; ick, ick, ick. Besides I think he's missing again. 7:00 p.m. the Shell station on hwy 50 just west of rte 45, Bristol, Wisconsin. Be there!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Joe the plumber call me!

Will "Joe the plumber" please call me? Although I'm certain his phone hasn't stopped ringing since last night's debate and I'm sure he'd pick up for Tom Brokow before me. Hey Joe it's probably safe to say you're the most famous plumber in United States history. John McCain mentioned your name 20 times! Wow babe, no one's said my name that many times in the course of a year. I can't imagine you won't see a big boost in your business or is it straight to the "made for tv movie"? Does anyone have a good publicist for Joe and how much better can this campaign get for Saturday Night Live? Oh and Joe's a crafty guy, he wouldn't reveal who's getting his vote. Great career move I say; keep 'em guessing and begging.

Thank God that was the last debate. I am so over it and out of disposable china to throw at the tv. John was a pit bull on a pant leg wasn't he? But wait Sarah's the pit bull in lipstick. Dog metaphors never work. My mom's become a real wino during this campaign. We've found it impossible to watch the debates sober. Even my dad who only drinks teensy weensy sips of Mogan David on holidays has chugged down a beer in order to dull the pain of watching. Why oh why, couldn't one of those veteran moderators have stood up and screamed , "ANSWER THE FREAKING QUESTION ALREADY"! Or just reached across and choked each of them. I'd sure have felt better.

I say enough of this election folly. It's gone on far too long. I want to vote already!! And why can't those undecideds decide? What is anyone going to say with 18 days left to change their vascillating little minds? Decide for God's sake! It's a choice between two men who do not really feel your pain, but want to be President and fly around in Air Force One. Or just write in Joe the plumber.

Monday, October 13, 2008

"Sell, baby sell" or global post-it notes

SELL! BUY! SELL, SELL, SELL! No buy! It's a good time to buy. But wait ,I'm nervous, I need to sell. Anything. Everything. Cash, I should have cash. I rip my wallet open; crap, not enough to make it to 5:00p.m. I look around my office. Anyone want to buy my stapler? I'll throw in extra staples. The tv, how about the tv? It has a very nice flat screen and could fit in a large purse. The dog looks worried as I glance over at him . He stays even if it means my giving up being a blond. I send a quick email of apology to my colorist. Is this "trickle down" economics I wonder? Frantically I decide to expand my sell-off and run madly from room to room placing post-it notes marked "stays"/ "goes". The living room suddenly looks too yellow .

I'm confused and realize I need an economist to help me . But which one and do any of them make house calls? No two agree or have the same rescue plan which makes my head spin. Can anyone count to $700 billlion? I've done my homework trying to understand the financial crisis. I can use "asset backed securities, bundles, commercial paper and liquidity in a sentence, maybe even all in the same freaking sentence but my nerves are still jangled. Ben Bernake, Hank Paulson right now my dad looks smarter than either of you...he has piles of cash under his bed . Wow dad, your long term financial planning has finally paid off!

Well the good news is the crisis has taken my mind off of the election. I really, really needed a debate break. I haven't thought about Sarah Palin in days which has helped my digestion and allowed me to cancel my therapist. Nothing quite like global bankruptcy as distraction. In the meantime I've got to get back to my selling .... or should I be buying?! Please call me asap if you know.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Sarah and me!

Wow Sarah, we have something in common after all. It didn't seem possible but apparently it is. I've just read that you hate weathermen, even think they're terrorists. Well what a coincidence I couldn't agree with you more. They scare the living bejesus out of me. They're among us and frightening. We should all be very afraid. I think weathermen are dangerous also, but I'm especially terrified of the one on channel 5 here in Chicago. I know he's just waiting on the roof eagerly and sadistically for the first flake of snow to fall. Then he's all histrionic warning "RUN, HIDE, IT'S COMING, IT'S FALLING FAST, BIG BAD SNOW. It's on the way from Minnesota, Nebraska, maybe even Alaska. Stay home ,lock the doors, don't drive, get lots of water and canned goods". Oh God, he's smiling.... he only smiles in the winter. I'm terrified.

Sarah's right weathermen are scary, scary, scary. They've made me cry with predictions of dire storms heading right at me! I'm a wimp but she's from Alaska ,so help Sarah, help....I need advice on how to dress warmer. It's October, those weathermen will be in full force soon. I need protection. Can you and John McCain save me from these men? You say you can. I hope we wear the same size and can send some heavy sweaters and a good pair of boots.

Uh oh! Hold on a sec, is Sarah talking about those other weathermen? The ones from the Vietnam War era when I was in college and Barak Obama was in grade school? Whoops, maybe I was wrong and we don't have anything in common after all... unless she likes tomato soup.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Alaskan Valley Girl

Sarah, quit staring at me. Oh and the cute little winks didn't work either. You may be talking to someone babe, but it's not me. For starters I was an English major. English as a first language, not second. I really don't want my Vice President to tell Putin he's "darn right". Or we need "a heck of a lot more" cooperation. Just as a little aside and something I remember from either grammar or middle school when words end in "ing" you actually PRONOUNCE the "g". It doesn't get dropped for an n' . Oh I'm a stickler, I know. Words like: "betcha, ya , 'em, hurtin', bring 'em to ya, doin', comin',and somethin", really hurt my ears, so if you're elected could you please get an English tutor? One more little thing re: the language ,NUCULER is not a word. I know President Bush thinks it is...but it's not. It's nuclear.

I'm glad the debate is over. For a while there I thought it would never ever end. After 8 minutes I was staring at the clock wondering how I could stand another 82. I couldn't decide whether to pinch myself to make sure it wasn't a big bad dream or look around to see if I was being held hostage in a prison camp where they make you listen to Marge from the movie "Fargo" discuss foreign policy until you confess. Funny how questions never did get answered regardless of Gwen Ifil's attempt at keeping our little Alaskan Valley Girl focused. I wasn't on the debate team, but when I was called on in class I responded to the question and actually knew the answer. I don't want to be Vice President however.

My dad thought Sarah should have talked more about her years as a Girl Scout leader because she seemed as qualified as one. They lead troops, don't they? Oh Dad, you're a jokester! Thank the Lord the election is only a few weeks away because I'm soccer and hockey mom'd out as political discourse. I am worried however, that they might be tough ass competitors when we're all lined up at at Home Depot applying for a job if things don't CHANGE soon.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Ben Bernanke, Hank Paulson, Chris Cox: The Brothers Gloom

Well nothing takes your mind off of Sarah Palin and new fall clothes like economic collapse. I am trying really, really hard to understand what's going on. Just when I thought I had the lingo down and could use "asset backed securities" in a sentence Lehman Bros failed and I was confused again. Here one day, and poof(!) gone the next. English majors do not understand this. "Bundled mortgages" was another concept I almost grasped, but then I couldn't fathom exactly how many "bundles" there must be and my head started to spin around. Are executive's desks all over the world piled high with nasty old bundles? The Dow Jones dropped hundreds of points one day and oil prices went up,up, up. I decided to walk to Neimans to save on gas and packed an overnight bag. The next day oil dropped and stocks rose...I took a cab home.

I found myself glued to the Senate Banking Committee hearings on CNN. I put on a black dress for the occasion, so as not to appear optimistic. Those guys are bummers aren't they? But there were some tasty ties on the gloom brothers, Ben Bernake, Hank Paulson, and Christopher Cox. I listened carefully to their doomsday scenario unless the government handed over a check for $700 billion . Wow bummer boys, I'd love to hand over that kind of money because you've done your respective jobs really really well to date. I totally trust each and every one of you. Why would I want any sort of ACCOUNTABILITY as criteria? Btw it was nice to see the Senate Banking committee working; sorry vacay is over.

"To bail or not to bail, that is the question"... isn't it? Oh come on, they're bailing, after they've finished posturing. And when all is said and done, I hope there's a provision in the bailout bill earmarked for Valium in the drinking water. We'll need it.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Cialis, Larry King, or McDreamy?

I need an exorcist that specializes in presidential elections. Politics have taken over my brain; infiltrated my every thought and conversation. I've lost friends and influenced no people with my opinions. There must be more to life than Democrats and Republicans. I need some pre-election fun. I need better/more medication. I obviously need to be alone. Sadly, television is my only companion. Truthfully, thank God, "Grey's Anatomy", "Desperate Housewives", and "Brothers and Sisters" start up again this week. At long last, empty & mindless diversion! Any moment spent not thinking about the price of oil is a moment worth spending with those wacky gals on Wisteria Lane.

Bye-bye MSNBC and CNN; thanks for the anxiety and high blood pressure. So long Larry King and your really bad hair days. No offense babe but it blows my mind to think you got seven women to marry you. Wow and huh!? Hopefully, so long to all those commercials about erectile dysfunction. It was weird that so many ads on the cable news channels were for Cialis. Although I recently read that there is more interest in the campaign among older voters than younger ones ...thus the ads? Thanks to Barack Obama and John McCain, I now know there are 3 types of Cialis: the original (whatever that means), 36 hour (whatever that means) and the new, daily Cialis (whatever that means). Whoa, so much to learn before the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy on Thursday.

Feeling completely ignorant and pressed for time I asked my friend Dan about Cialis. He looked at me like I was nuts, yet thoughtfully replied "huh"? Does anyone know the difference between the original, 36 hour and daily dose? Quickly I posed the same question to my buddy John. John, sorry I scared you. He didn't know the answer but seemed mortified speculating a daily dose could cause a 24 hour erection and he'd end up in the emergency room. I defintely get the feeling more specific information is needed from these commercials. So for all of you glued to cable news, let me know if you find out the difference. As for me ,I'll be watching with baited breath to see if Meredith and McDreamy really get back together... and I hope they don't mention being a Republican or Democrat.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Baked Alaska or Hillary'?

I need the Olympics back! I don't care if the Chinese girls are only 12...I want gymnasts and hunky swimmers. I'd even take rowers, archers, or anything synchronized .... I'm desperate. I can't stand politics anymore! I think I had a life before this election. I vaguely remember having friends . It seems so very long ago. I also used sentences that didn't have the words McCain, Obama, red state, blue state or SARAH in them. Suddenly the word "troopergate" is part of the vernacular. What's next "poopergate"? Hey, it could happen. A few misssing diapers and it's a whole new political ballgame. See how crazy I've become? I need to get out more.

I went to the dentist where I thought I would be safe from politics. I found myself looking moronically forward to the People Magazines he has for his patients. This is a very very nice touch and one reason why I'll never leave him. An article about Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie might be just what my jangled brain needed to prevent it from exploding. Ixnay that thought because "you know who" was on the cover. Is there no place to hide? Quick Dr. D bring the novacaine, anything, anything, but more Sarah.

I actually left his office with a lovely new filling and some stunning political fodder. Wow, not only is Dr. D good with the novacaine needle he's a very cagey thinker. He had a crafty prediction that would put a smile on the face of Karl Rove... or sneer, which ever means he's happy. He said that if the Palin frenzy didn't die down in the next few weeks, Joe Biden would voluntarily step aside as the V.P. candidate and voila Hillary's back. Take that Ms. Baked Alaska! Like a dream come true. Dr. D, what an idea! Why isn't he running the Democratic party? Of course if my dentist is right, I'm going to be consulting with him on all my sports bets. But regardless , I've decided for peace of mind to go to his office everyday between now and the election.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Ms. Vice President Pageant

SEX! Sex! Sex! Sex! Jeez even that doesn't get anyone's attention at the moment. I bet the porn sites are wondering where everyone went. There is nothing on the national collective consciousness except Sarah Palin. Ms lipstick on a bulldog, hockey mom is everywhere, on every mind. Sa rah, Sa rah, Sa rah!!! I can hear the chanting. What's up with this? Britney Spears is off the cover of "Us" and Sarah's on. Is she the Republican candidate for Ms. America? Is that what we want, a Ms. America Vice President? That's freaky... but I like Joe Biden's chances in the swimsuit part of the competition. Personally I thought John McCain was a more serious dude. Didn't all those years in a prison camp scare the crap out of him? And now he's trying to scare the crap out of me? Thanks pal.

It's 3:00 a.m. , the phone rings in the White House and it's not about a pepperoni pizza delivery. It's about China, Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, Russia; SPIN THE WHEEL AND PICK A COUNTRY. Who answers? Ms. America Sarah. Yep, I'm betting she's on the line. Whoa, I'm a little nauseous and have lost my appetite for pizza. I sure hope she's been "briefed" enough. But wait, she was Governor of a sparsely populated state and before that Mayor of a tiny, tiny town. Oh yeah, now I'm feeling a whole lot better, thanks.

Ok, I'm angry, but don't have a gun, so relax. I've noticed we're all pissy about this election. It's bringing out the worst in everyone. I'm becoming a misanthrope by default. I've decided to only talk to people who agree with me, that way I can stop popping Xanax, clenching my teeth by day and grinding them to a pulp at night. The only emails I get anymore are highly charged political diatribes which are too long to read but I agree with them. The debates should be really really interesting. I wonder if Sarah will wear a hockey jersey or swimsuit? I plan on watching them alone after I remove all the sharp objects from my house.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Oh no, anything but the clicker!

I've called the paramedics to come remove the tv clicker from my hand. I don't know what I'll do if they can't, as it certainly doesn't go with any of my fall clothes. Anyone know a good surgeon or exorcist? I have been sitting in front of the tv clutching the damn thing since the finals of Wimbledon back in June, then clicked to the Olympics for weeks on end, next click was Denver and St. Paul for the conventions and finally clicked to the U.S. Open where tonight at long, long, long last my tv life will come to an end. I've scheduled the paramedics right after the men's singles final to pry the channel turning device from my hand. I certainly hope I don't have to serve them appetizers. Worse than lack of feeling in my wrist and inability to use my fingers is now I have to find a life. Got meds?

I must admit I didn't think anything could keep my attention after the U.S. mens swim team . All my expectations were surpassed however during the political conventions. Whoa baby, things got so contentious around here I almost had to use the clicker as a weapon. I think it can double as a Ninja device if used properly and I need to learn that. I know at least 3 or 4 Republicans who are home making vodoo dolls in my likeness. (I hope they don't use red or yellow material, not good colors for me) POLITICAL CONVERSION is not, I repeat not, for the faint of heart. If you have a cardiac condition or take Viagra or Cialis do not try it without consulting your doctor first. And if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours as a result, go directly to an emergency room...

I have managed to convert one Portuguese water dog to a Democrat, and in the good old Mayor Daley tradition will try and get him registered to vote.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Lipstick on a Bulldog or I love hockey?

What struck me most about Sarah Palin's speech is what a fabulous looking middle aged woman Cindy McCain is. Man oh man I wish I looked like her. I think blonds really do have more fun. And money. I also noticed that Rudy Guiliani has put on some weight, probably from all those lucrative speaking engagements. Rudy should take a page out of Jared's playbook and eat Subway sandwiches for a while. I digress, but isn't Sarah's husband a hunk? Whoa baby he's a hottie. If he's the typical Alaskan man I'd suggest single women hightail it up north. I also was struck by the number of black people in the audience; I think it was 3 but it could have been 4 . Wow, Republicans are all white. Oh and also a bit beefy; Subway sandwiches for the entire convention! I'm not a fashonista but some really really bad clothes out there in the audience. Donna Karan or Marc Jacobs to the rescue please!

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, what can I say? You just don't reach me as a woman. But it looked like you were the cat's meow for most of the others in the hall. The "I'm a mom like you" didn't convince me you should be a heartbeat away from the Presidency. I know Alaska is closer to Russia than the rest of the states (I checked a map) but I'm not sure that gives you and Putin a point of departure. I listened carefully and although your delivery style was perky you struck me as more of a goldfish than "barracuda". I believe you are sincere in your adulation of John McCain. Lord knows I wouldn't have lasted 10 minutes in a prison camp, so you're right he is a hero. I apologize to all my girlfriends, but I would have left you all behind and gotten my sorry ass out of Vietnam. I also agree not mentioning the Bush years is a good plan; no sense crying over spilled, spilling and spoiled milk right? Just keep harkening back to Ronald Reagan and bask in the cheering.

Thanks for the "breath of fresh Alaskan air" Sarah... I forgot who said that. Oh and Sarah isn't here to replace Hillary is she? She's the anti-Hillary. Sarah's a Bulldog hockey mom with lipstick or something to that effect. And isn't that all we need in a Vice President...?

Monday, September 1, 2008

Sarah Palin for Ms. Alaska, I mean Vice President

Who?!?! Why? Huh? Excuse me? Sarah Palin is Governor of Alaska? I didn't know that did you? Her last name is pronounced like Eddie Van Halen. I'd personally feel a lot better if it was pronounced like Bob Dylan. Wow this means the Republicans will get all three of Alaska's electoral votes. Always thinking. I hope it brings more attention to the Iditerod because it's a damn exciting race. I better get a Huskie before people flock to the pet stores. I've read that Sarah hunts and fishes. I hope now that she's playing with the big boys she doesn't go hunting with Dick Cheney. But then again she'd have to find him, so never mind.

I guess John McCain didn't know my mother was available for the Vice Presidential spot. She's far more qualified. Mom can send out her resume asap, if he wants to change his mind. Oh, but I guess he wanted to give someone with very little experience a chance; that is really really nice of him . I think he's absolutely right, everyone needs a leg up in the work force. After all President Bush gave "Brownie" one and now John McCain is helping Sarah get a better job. Oh btw, before she was Governor she was Mayor of the tiny, tiny town of Wasilla with a population of less than 7,000. I keep thinking about the inexperience complaint concerning Obama. Whoops, did I say something bad? Before I forget, happy 72nd birthday John McCain. You're right we shouldn't worry about Sarah's ability to become Commander in Chief, she'll have plenty of time for "on the job" training.

Oh, it's a ballsy choice. I assume it's supposed to shore up the Evangelical base and it's disappointing to know they are such an influential base; that really frightens me. I'm just a big fan of the separation of church and state. As for a woman's "right to choose", Sarah's not a big fan, which also disappoints and frightens me. I have my fingers crossed that the women who feel disenfranchised since Hillary Clinton lost the nomination will NOT be seduced by what John McCain has done. Sarah Palin is not the replacement Hillary... I repeat Sara Palin is not the replacement Hillary. I'm sorry you're all sad and truthfully so was I, but MOVE ON, not over to the other party. That's not revenge, it's four more years.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Conventional wisdom

WHEW! Just when I thought I had to get a life, I don't. I didn't have to put the tv clicker down after all. It's safely clutched in my grubby little hand and I'm glued to the Democratic Convention. To be perfectly honest I don't have the same sense of heightened awareness as I did watching the Olympics because everyone's completely clothed (and thank God they are), but it is theater. I particularly like the "where's Bill?" aspect of the drama. Who's in charge of his daily walking, and feeding? But more importantly keeping him on a leash. I sure hope he learned "sit, stay and no barking" because I can see how nervous everyone is.

The women have been KICK ASS. Wow, I don't know what I was expecting from Michelle and Hillary but blast off was acheived. Oh btw, Nancy Pelosi you were boring, boring, boring and I think your teeth are just a hair too white. I admit I had no real interest in Michelle Obama and for no reason. I wish I was as tall however. I can't say I loved her powder blue dress but it looked nice on her. Did the flower pin come with the dress or was it an accessory? But Michelle rocked. I hung on every word and gesture and yes I admit, cynical moi had a tear in my eye. She is so much more than tall. And then there was Hillary. God, I hate her outfits...who picked orange? Is it Halloween already? Ok, ok, I'm shallow, but hold on....Hillary, was Mickey Mantle, Hank Aaron, Roger Maris and I hate to say Barry Bonds because of the steriod thing, but I'll risk it. She went yard.....out of the park... HOME RUN. Nice nice work and some nifty speech writing.

I like Joe Biden. He' very earnest, isn't he? He looks good in suits also. Much better than George Bush who always seems as if he's trying to wiggle out of his or has fleas. I believe Joe means what he says . Hey what more can you ask of a politician? It's the freaking Holy Grail. He actually seems to adore his wife unlike Bill, who deserves an Oscar for his loving looks at Hillary. Sorry Bill, but I still think you're kinda hot for your age. Now it's Obama's time to descend from Mt. Olympus and join the party. The air is easier to breathe down here. And according to the polls he really needs to spend some quality time down here breathing with the rest of us. "Come on down", I'm waiting with baited breath.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Bye-bye Beijing, hello Denver!

Oh no, they're over, they're all over! Now what's to become of me? And how about my poor friend Dan, who had three tvs going day and night, what's he to do? Sorry babe no more 3:00 a.m. rowing or skeet shooting. It's official and final, I saw it with my own eyes, the Olympic torch has been extinguished. And a mighty fine blow job that was. Bye-bye, itty-bitty Chinese girls and I'm guessing 12 is your real age, but hey I lie too. I would also like to give the American men's swim team my address and phone number but I've said that before. And I'm very sad I didn't spend more time watching men's beach volleyball as that tall guy was pretty hot also. But I have one really, really huge issue before I can move on to the Democratic National Convention; I knew I wouldn't have to turn off the tv.

Can someone PLEASE tell me why the women's beach volleyball girls have to play in bikinis???? And is Hugh Hefner on the International Olympic Committee? Come on , they were wearing thong underwear not sports uniforms. If it were me I'd be standing there pulling the thing out of my butt and lose track of the ball. What about the nasty sand all itchy and also up my b-tt? I'd like to slap around the person who picked white as the color they wore in the finals. For God's sake, think of the body waxing that involved. OUCH, OUCH, OUCH, and oy! Girls call me if you need an advocate for more clothing.

Sadly it's time to find a life without the Olympics. Wait a minute, I almost forgot, I don't need a life yet. I have Democrats and Republicans to entertain me for the next two weeks . Oh God I hope they're wearing a lot of clothing.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Water logged thinking

Will someone please come rip the clicker from my hand?! I've tried to turn off the Olympics but I can't; I'm weak and pathetic. I can only pray these games end before 2012 when they start again. I have to work. I need to get dressed, leave the house and see if gas is still $4.00 a gallon. It's freaking 9:00 a.m and I'm watching women's soccer, and truthfully I don't even like soccer. "Run girls, run and don't hit the ball with your heads so much"! I'm really waiting for individual show jumping to begin. Is there medication for this? I seriously thought when swimming ended my mania would end. After all it was the men's bodies I was focused on not new world records. Crap, there I was the very next night glued to Nastia and tiny tiny Shawn on the balance beam. Girls I suggest when you have some time learn a skill that will help you in the job market.

I've tried to read the paper, immerse myself in geopolitical reality. Boy, does that ever suck. Pakistan, Russia, Georgia, Iraq, Afganistan, Iran, who can keep track of all these tricksters anymore? The only conclusion I came to was the world is coming to an end . I picked up September's "Vogue" as a distraction, but it has more pages than "War and Peace" and the Bible, neither of which I could ever finish. I realized however, in the first 30 pages I can no longer even afford a purse which is almost as depressing as the world coming to an end. I decided to think about who McCain and Obama will pick as their running mate which once again brought me back to , the world is coming to an end.

I picked the clicker back up and clutched it in my grubby little hand. On second thought ... "run girls, run"!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Hide and seek with the Vice President

Thank God Olympic swimming is over. I'm exhausted. At last the American swim team can put their clothes back on and hopefully I will stop dreaming about them. "Bye bye boys you were hot, hot, hot...oh yea and really great swimmers". Now I can focus on the question I've been asked a lot recently. "Has anyone seen Dick Cheney"? Wow, come to think of it, "No". Where does that guy go? Is he hiding again or just shy? I saw the President at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but unless Dick was dressed as a Chinese drummer I don't think he was there. Truthfully, I've seen more of Michael Phelps' mother lately than our Vice President. Wait a sec, I bet he snuck off and is watching women's beach volleyball. Dick, you naughty boy. Be careful though, and don't ask John Edwards for advice about women.

He must be off somewhere running the country since President Bush was busy giving high fives to the American men's basketball team. Uh oh, I hope he's not causing trouble because no sooner had the Olympics started than there was a surprising skirmish between Russia and Georgia. (Just a quick aside, aren't there too many new names on the map? Whatever became of the Belgian Congo and Yugoslavia? Sixth grade geography right down the drain). I sure hope our V.P. isn't trying to re-ignite the Cold War. I don't think I'm agile enough to hide under my desk with my head between my legs anymore. And can someone FINALLY tell me how that was going to save me from a nuclear attack?

Honestly I don't know where to look for him. He could be busy packing boxes for the big move. And I suggest only using book boxes as they are so much easier to lift . If he finishes soon could he be dismissed early? I'm not too busy, I'd be happy to help.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Olympic mania is me!

Olympic Fever! Yep, I got the fever. There I said it, like admitting you still sleep with a "blankie". Just one quick note before I drool over the male swimmers. Bob Costas, I can't emphasize enough the importance of a good colorist. In 2004 your hair was "burnt orange" which really should stay in the crayon box and now four years later I see it's the color of a black coffee from Starbucks. Highlights, highlights, highligts are crucial when going so dark ! Oh and just one more teensy weensy thing; were you auditioning for "Meet the Press" when you interviewed the President Sunday night? Good tough questions but I was hoping you'd ask his thoughts on why the female beach volleyball players wear bikinis and the men are all covered up?

I must say I haven't been this interested in swimming since I had a crush on Tom Peck who was on my high school's swim team. I just can't say enough about how exciting it is to watch Michael Phelps even at my age or especially at my age. Whoa baby, is his body rated PG? Oh, and he's a monster in the water too. Congrats on all the medals. What is it about the swimmer's bodies that is so much hotter than the gymnasts? Another good question for Bob to have asked the President. Although it's exciting/nerve wracking to watch men fly from bar to bar or off the vault I'm just not digging the outfits or their thicker more dense body type. Do not call the police , I am not a pedophile.

On a more serious note, why ARE the women wearing bikinis to play volleyball? Isn't the sand itchier in such a tiny suit? I'd be more worried about it staying on than playing. And speaking of uniforms what are our women gymnasts parading around in...leftover outfits from a circus? Girls, demand better less shiney clothes; so unflattering and tasteless. Poor things, don't they have enough to worry about? I'd like to know the sadist who thought up the balance beam and it's a miracle no one has landed in the stands flying off the uneven bars. I'm mortified watching the munchkins .

One more riveting week and then poof! the Olympians disappear. Could someone please tell me where the men's swim team will be going?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Jenna Jameson for Congress

Does the name Jenna Jameson sound familiar? It didn't to me but thank you E Channel for your informative documentary; I love to learn. Whew, now in case her name comes up at a cocktail party I won't stand there wondering if she's the junior senator from North Dakota. Jenna, you crafty career gal, you're the biggest porn star in history; a veritable industry. You even have a bobble head doll in your image. I have a car that gets good gas mileage. I'm just wondering however, was law school ever an option? Maybe you should have run Hillary's campaign, as it seems you're far better with finances and personal promotion. I bet Bill wouldn't have been so cranky with you around. And If you could have convinced Hillary to get one or two tatoos like yours she might have had wider appeal. Oh well too late for her, but I might get one.

I learned Jenna and I have nothing in common except number of divorces. I'm certain however, my ex-husbands would rather have been married to her. I guess I wouldn't blame them as she probably doesn't whine as much about the weather. I couldn't gather from the documentary whether she is a Democrat or Republican. Hmmmmmmm, I wonder if Jenna's ever slept in the White House? Maybe she should run for public office after all a wrestler and body builder became Governors. Whoops, I almost forgot, an actor was President. I think the country's ready for a porn star politician. Jenna, were you for the "surge"?

I should probably buy her book "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star", since I was an English major and love

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Don't call me, I'll call you.

Got "SLYDIAL"? Wow, it sounds too good to be true;new technology rocks. No more nasty, bitter break-up talks, or that necessary but dreaded conversation with the ex about a late alimony payment. "Slydial" means never having someone on the other end of the phone again. It's almost poetry. There's no risk of a real person in real time answering, you get zapped directly to voice mail and voila you leave a message... no muss, no fussy person. Lord have mercy. To think I could have saved my vocal cords and sanity during my divorce brings tears to my eyes. To say nothing of the phones I broke heaving them against the wall. No, I did not need an anger management class, just a new phone.

Lighten up, "Slydial" isn't cold and impersonal; it's freeing and verbally liberating. No matter how well I've planned a break-up speech the other person always messed it up by expressing their feelings. Having to interrupt with , "I'm not a selfish bitch who hates your mother" always screwed up the flow. And speaking of mothers, sorry Mom, but "Slydial" is perfect for us. "I'll see you at 4:00" doesn't mean "what did you do yesterday"? See how great this will be? I may get a job just because it would be so easy to call in sick. I am not weak and cowardly, I'm a time saver.

This is so much better than text messages. Watching all those crazy texters with their thumbs and fingers flying a mile a minute across the tiny tiny keys makes me crazy. Besides, wacky word abbreviations are mind numbing. So rest assured I will not send some impersonal break-up text message any time soon. It will be a cowardly voice mail.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Oh no another election!

Thank God the days of dueling are over as right about now I'd be boning up on my skills with a six shooter or sword. Presidential elections are fun aren't they? I'm going into hiding until November 4th because my head is about to explode and vitriol will be oozing out all over my cute summer clothes. I was close to choking a man twice my size, which would have required my leaping over four glasses of a lovely Chardonnay and a cheese plate, because we were discussing Obama vs. McCain on Supreme Court picks. I love lively political banter. Now where are those damn pistols?

The last Presidential race was a conversation killer also. I had no friends by November and didn't want any. Fortunately I didn't leave marks on anyone's neck but I decided alone under the bed for the next four years was best. I cancelled all my newspapers determined to live in a political vacuum. That lasted three weeks. Dick Cheney I'm so mad at you. Couldn't you keep your neo-conservative ideas to yourself? Be happy you have a blond wife and lots of money and go away. As for the rest of the posse, at long, long, last I can say , "good-bye and please don't write memoirs" . About the G.W. Bush Presidential library; it's a bit too oxymoric for me not to burst out laughing. How about a nice well dusted shelf somewhere and save the taxpayers some money?

There is only one way for me to survive until November without a police record... I've put a moratorium on all political discussion unless it's with someone who agress with me. Doesn't that sound restful? As for those who want to engage in exchanging points of view, I suggest taking two Xanax and call me in the morning.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Here comes Bridezilla

Listen up brides-to-be, don't ask me to be in your wedding. I know summer's the height of your season but I read an article in the New York Times Style section that implied you're getting persnickety. It sounded to me like you've gone mad. Girls get a freaking grip on yourselves, it's a wedding not a human sacrifice to the fountain of youth. Botox, restylane, chemical peels, Fraxel laser treatments are now de rigueur for the bride's attendants. For God's sake you're all so young, the mirror is still a friend, not an enemy combatant. Take a Xanax Bridezilla. What happened to handing out nice bracelets from Tiffanys as a little thank you? I don't want Botox or fillers! I want a bracelet! "Hand over the jewelry and put the needle down".

I don't care if the bride picks up the tab for the paralytic agents, I don't want them and I'm cheap,really, really cheap. Sadly, I could use a facial refresher, but I've chosen soap over poison. I read that my future daughter-in-law could ixnay me from the wedding party if I don't agree to this cosmetic torture. Dr. Frankenstein can you help me out here? Poor Mom can't be in the wedding if her face shows any sign of movement. Apparently one bride demanded her bridesmaids get breast implants. Clever girl got a surgeon to agree to do four for the price of two. Blindingly white teeth, tanned skin, liposuctioned thighs, new cleavage, and paralyzed foreheads, wow girls sounds like what you really need is a good mortician. Someone call the bride police.

Just for fun I pulled out my old wedding pictures. My hair looked like crap . Whose idea was a perm? I hate the dress too. I think I was high when I bought it. I was smiling however, which meant I could move my face.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Me, Ken, and GI Joe

Women need blow-up dolls too. Do they come in a male version? Bergdorfs has so many special boutiques maybe they carry them. Neimans has just about everything in their Christmas catalogue. My girlfriend mentioned the idea as an option if she were to re-marry. Hmmmmmmm. I loved dolls as a child, although not Ken or GI Joe;they had bad, bad clothes and didn't like my tea parties. But maybe clothes don't really make the man. Except pant length does. Oh God, what is worse than pants that are too short? It screams geek even at 60. My blow-up man would always have the correct length. And good shoes, another important detail. Ken, GI Joe, got Italian loafers?

Ok, I'm shallow, very, very shallow but so what? I'm digging this doll idea. Just think we'd have the same political opinions. WHAT A RELIEF THAT WOULD BE. I could take out the ear plugs and ditch the Valium. "I can't believe you would ever vote for that moron" would be replaced by "I totally agree with you". I feel calmer already. And my plastic man would be neat, no cleaning up after this guy. Wow, blow-up boy I love that you never leave dishes in the sink". "Wanna order out again"? "So do I"! Here's the best part "You have a headache"? "What a coincidence, me too"!

Blow-up boy sure is easy to get along with. He doesn't mind your nights out with the girlfriends or get mad when you come home with big bags from Bloomingdales and Saks . It's so quiet in the house with this guy. Not a peep out of him when you're reading. Anyone else interested? Perhaps girls don't outgrow dolls after all.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Martha Stewart ,I need you babe!

I have a "black" thumb aka"the thumb of death". Martha Stewart do you make house calls? I promise we won't talk about stocks or prison life. Help Martha, help, I'm a flower assassin! Now granted I never wanted my own garden, looking at other people's tulips was good enough. I could never figure out why anyone would want to crawl around in dirt for hours wearing giant gloves. I've always hated dirt and gloves. Plants were a big responsibility; too much water, too little water, no water, who wouldn't get anxiety? I bought a "Wandering Jew" once , supposedly they never die, just grow, grow, grow. I'm Jewish, I swear I didn't kill it on purpose. The guilt was more than I could bare. Ixnay to anything that required dirt, gloves and water.

So how and why did I become Rebecca of freaking Sunnybrook Farm? A tray of unpotted Begonias was sitting on the deck waiting for my boyfriend to plant them. Waiting... still waiting... dying... crap. "I can't help you, I killed a wandering Jew, I'm a jinx, I hate dirt... I don't have gloves". Yet, I couldn't bare the sight of half dead pink things;how hard could it be to put one stupid little plant in a pot? Heroin, crack, meth, you name it, those little flowers hooked me like drugs. I became a potting machine. I potted everything in sight. I even wondered whether I could grow tobacco by planting a cigarette butt that was lying in a bush.

I have no life. I've become a gardener. I get up, grab coffee and run out to see what flowers are living , dead or got sick while I slept. I have the vigilance of a time lapse camera. And yes, I need medication. I boldly planted an entire bed of Impatients which are trying my patience , as they mock me with feigned death. I've begged , sang , crawled on my hands and knees covered in mosquito bites pleading with them to find a reason to live. I thought they were kill proof?! "Please don't die! I can't afford more therapy". Martha Stewart you'll know, should I hire a stringed quartet or see if they'd prefer Evian water?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

For Richer or for richer

Wedding ceremonies are not for the faint of heart. I just went to my nephew's wedding and although it was in an idyllic setting with a handsome groom, gorgeous bride and a bunch of hot/fabulous looking attendants, the vows were a bit of a downer. Whoa, those are some mighty weighty questions. Truthfully they're a little frightening and not for the ambivalent. Does anyone really think seriously about the answers? Everyone seems to just blurt out "I do". There's never a, "let me go home and give it some real thought , but go ahead with the cocktail hour". According to the divorce rate "I'm not sure" would be a good response, or "huh"? Or even, "you talkin' to me"?

"Do you take this person for richer or for poorer"? Come on be honest, no one wants poorer. Especially the young trophy bride with the old guy, she needs the question rephrased "do you take this man for richer or for richer"? She definitely has to have an out clause if things get poorer. Ah, but alas, he's not rich and completely stupid, there's the pre-nup. I wish they'd read that at the ceremony. "In sickness and in health"? Now that's a little morbid. Who gets to be healthy? And is there good medical insurance? It's a long time until Medicare and what really are the chances of a universal health care bill getting out of Congress? Oh man, and then there's the pact sealer..."as long as you both shall live". Well that's made liars out of half of us, hasn't it? I confess, I've lied, twice and I consider myself honest. How do you think that makes me feel? Single, very, very single.

I may have to stay away from weddings for a while. They confuse and give me a headache. "I do... I don't... I'm not sure...Maybe... I think I do for now but maybe not later..." all reasonable answers. Until I sort this out no marriage proposals please.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Blow-up dolls never talk back

Crap, my friend Jack's found the "perfect" woman... again. How many times have I heard this? I can't count that high anymore. "Don't say that, I lecture him. You just met her, don't use the perfect word". (It's the kiss of death). "For God's sake, , everyone is still perfect after two dates, unless they pull a gun on you". He pretended to agree , "I know, I know, you're right" he demurred. He was lying . He really wanted to think he FINALLY found perfect. Ouch babe you're 65 the gene pool is shrinking fast. I'm guessing in three weeks Ms. Perfect will be, "she was too short, fat, tall, religious, Republican, critical, or a really bad driver". Take your pick. Trust me it will be something. "Bad driver" was last January.

Jack, Jack, Jack how many times do I have to tell you, no woman is perfect. Thank God, because then you're talking blow -up doll. Although... they don't get fat, have bad hair days, controversial political opinions or unbearable religious convictions, but you would have to do all the driving. Oh, and you can pick their clothes which he would like. As for real women, give us a break and find a replacment word for "perfect". I for one would love to have "no bad hair days" but I cringe at the thought of someone thinking I'm perfect...which they never, ever do. I think "pain in the ass" is my title. Perfect, is a set-up for one ill spoken word, bad outfit or chipped nail and you're outta here. Next!

The truth is anyone seeking perfect really wants to be alone. And hey, there's nothing wrong with that, just don't blame it on someone else.

I want a dog's life

Who would trade their dog for a man? Come on girls fess up. Got an answer? I promise I won't tell. And be honest. Leona Helmsley left $12 million to her dog "Trouble". Nice going little furry guy. You're far, far better off than I am. No worrying about your dog house going into foreclosure or health care. I assume you have a team of veterinarians. I hope you have a good accountant however, as $12million dollars doesn't go as far as it used to. Take it easy on the chauffeur bills, and ixnay to canary yellow diamond collars. If you get lonely and need a new owner I'm available... and cheap.

I've had men and dogs in my life. Each dog outlasted a husband. Whoops and sorry Mom . It was never really a tough call and congratulations "Jonah and Miami". A big shout out to "Thurber" who survived 3 longish relationships. They were great dogs and ironically it wasn't hard for any of them to learn "stay". I love that dogs don't care about cooking. Isn't that really really sweet? Every day the same meal and not a peep out of them. My Yellow Lab Elliot thinks I'm Julia Childs they way he scarfs down his food. He also seems perfectly happy listening to me complain...about everything. He thinks I'm nice, unlike most people. I admit I'm envious of his hair color but resist the temptation to go that blond. I take him everywhere even though he doesn't fit in my purse.

Elliot don't worry, the good news is I would never trade. The bad news is I can't leave you $12million.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Invite me over, PLEASE.

I hate national holidays. Bah humbug! Or is that holiday specific? I never have anything to do. No picnics to attend; besides bringing a "dish" is too stressful, e coli or salmonella, take your pick. No friends to call because they're all at picnics, waiting to get sick. No bike to ride; it was stolen. No golf tourney at the club; I don't golf and what club? No tennis round robin; what does that mean anyway? No parade to attend with three small screaming children waving flags and a Golden Retriever dressed as Betsy freaking Ross. Besides parades are like Chinese food.

Are the stores open? I could go on a shopping spree and as a patriotic American try to single handedly save the economy. Btw, where's my rebate check Mr. President? I wish I had that man's phone number. I bet he's having a big old barbeque at the ranch. YEE HAW ! Where's that day old potato salad? I wonder what Dick Cheney does on July 4th. I hope he goes to a parade and has some fun. He always looks so serious like he's planning a war or something. Oh and Dick, you're so pasty white don't forget sun-block.

It's 9:30 a.m. I have hours and hours and hours to go. Crap. At 12:00 "All My Children" is on (oh God, I hope it's not pre-empted by a parade); it's a good day to catch up with Erica. She's probably either in prison or getting married; love the symbolism. I have to face it, national holidays make me feel like a loser. Winners have parades, picnics, cole slaw, e coli, beer and dogs dressed like the Founding Fathers. I vow to get a dog before Labor Day.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Green, environment, foreclosure, toxic, tra la !

No, this is not about a green environment turned toxic that is in foreclosure. I just read those are the words which currently attract the most media and search engine attention so I thought I'd write them and see what happens. Not that I'm expecting CNN, Fox, CBS, MSNBC, ABC , MTV or the Cartoon Channel to contact me today, but I'll wait for a while. Keith Olberman feel free to call and ask me out... I promise I'll wear "green" so it won't be a complete waste. I should also mention: "money, fat, cancer and sex". I write "sex" a lot and unless it has , "and the city" after it I don't think "sex" is news. Elliot Spitzer don't cry I haven't forgotten you. . As for "fat", aren't we finally resigned to the fact that we're a country of fatties; no news there. BORING!

Anything that mentions long term health risks is big, big, big! "Help my cell phone gave me kidney stones. Computer use can cause bad breath and heart disease". Ok now will the New York Times please check in!? Hollywood divorces/escapades are always hot. "Elizabeth Taylor accepts date with the Pope". Whoops, that will only make the AARP magazine. At least he's age appropriate but I thought she was Jewish. Do I dare mention the "out" words or will that jinx my plan... "solutions, leading edge, cutting edge, state of the art, mission critical and turnkey". I had my fingers crossed and held my breath.

"Bring 'em on" the search engines that is. Come get me! I said every news triggering word. Call me, write me, track me down. Oh and Liz, sorry, I couldn't think of anyone else for you to date.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Oprah and the Way-Back machine

Past lives my ass. Nope sorry, don't buy it. Oprah you don't have me this time. And what's up with you anyway? No sooner did you present Ekhart Tolle and his living in the moment, than you hand over Dr. Brian Weiss who wants us to go back, back, back, to a former life. Present or past , for God's sake stick to a time frame. I'm in nowheresville at the moment. Wanna join me? Oh, btw what happened with the food group free diet? Wasn't that supposed to purge our souls and colon? Got butter again? I could never do that regimen; a life without carbohydrates and candy isn't a life worth living. Hear that Mr. Tolle, I am focused and in the moment.

I refuse to get in the "way-back" machine with Dr. Weiss. Hmmmmmmmmm. Cartoons can have a lasting impression. Mr. Peabody really was a pioneer. The good doctor thinks we can resolve fears by exploring past lives to see what scared the crap out of us that we've brought into the present. Yada yada yada. And oy! I'm certain I was previously a char woman . Why else would I now be so skilled at cleaning the bathroom? Sorry Doc, fear of "Scrubbing Bubbles" is not what's coming between me and happiness...on second thought if I agree to go back with you can I be the Queen Mother?

Oprah and Dr. Weiss I sure as hell hope I don't have a life after this one. It's been as much as I could handle and I'm exhausted. Besides, I don't have time for past life exploration and can't afford the gas.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Whoa, Mom's in rehab!

My mother is not a drug abuser. Unless you count Metamucil, Senokot, oh and the newest addition Konsyl. Wow Mom's pretty constipated... but not drug addicted. Btw she'd love to discuss this with you, so give her a call and get me off the hook. Please! It's not Mom with a drug problem , it's the Baby Boomer women. According to The National Institute on Drug Abuse we are becoming a disturbingly large group of druggies. Generation X, your Moms are in re-hab! Whoa girls, slow down... apparently you're not playing with our old hippy drugs like LSD, pot, and hash, but methamphetamines, crack cocaine and opiates. They will fuck you up!

What happened to us ex-hippy chicks? For starters we've had to become men, which is not what my Girl Scout leader meant when she said "be prepared". She should have qualified the sentence. "Girls, be prepared to have a high paying career, get married, have children, give up career, go through a hideous emotionally devastating divorce, share the children but not the money, hope you can get re-hired in the work force without Botox or a face lift to make you look younger, and remain in a good mood. Pass the pipe.

Get it National Institute on Drug Abuse?! Getting through the day and our lives isn't easy. This is why we've become an ever rising statistic. I like to drink. It's a big help. Red wine at 5:00p.m. and Metamucil at 10:00. I don't need to talk about it however, so don't call me.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Viagra, trick or treat?

Girls, girls, girls, and I'm talkin' to you cuties under 35, there are storm clouds looming on the horizon. I just heard that underage Viagra use is on the rise. Oy! Men in their 30s are popping the blue M&Ms. What are they thinking? Are you boys sneaking into dad's stash? Come on now the pills are for your poor old father trying to keep his sex drive alive not 30 year old testosterone machines. If you can't get it up at your age see a shrink , don't steal from dad. What's goin' on out there?

Rumor has it women have caused this early rush to the medicine cabinet. Apparently the youngsters are feeling threatened. Bummer. It seems the girls raised by " baby boomer" mothers are strong, career driven, financially, socially and uh oh , sexually secure. And voila the boys have performance anxiety. But let's stay calm. Don't dive for the drugs just yet. Men, I don't get why you don't love these women to pieces. They earn a shit load of money and want sex; sounds like a dream come true. Don't be nervous, be brave...and happy . I wish my mother had raised me that way instead of my having to desperately find a career and earn a living after a failed marriage. Very bad preparation Mom . I'm sure I didn't threaten any man's ego, but then again I was poor with no job. I wreaked of "help , come save me"! I guess that's arousing.

"Step away from the medicine cabinet and put the Viagra down boys". Dad needs it not you. Save the meds for the golden years when the old prostate's acting up and nothing works. Besides the little pills are expensive; a lifetime of Viagra could deprive one of your kids of a college education.

Monday, June 16, 2008

"Like a virgin, again"

Who wants to be a virgin? Again. Sounds like a new reality game show doesn't it? Anyone anxious to be a contestant? How about one of those left over "bachlorettes"? Or rejected American Idols? Wow what a prize this time around... your virginity back. Here's a little pin with "Virgin Again" on it for your efforts. And I was afraid of becoming a BL (bag lady), being a VA might be scarier. "Intimate surgery" as they politely call it, or hyman repair, is on the rise, and not just for Muslim women who risk death for pre-marital sex. (Now those girls should rush to their nearest fix it shop, as I wouldn't want a posse of male family members chasing me down with stones or guns). I read women are having their virginity restored as a Valentine's Day present for their husbands. HUH? And why, why, why? Is there a Hallmark card for this?

I'm miffed. I think money for elective surgery is better spent on your face. Virginity is not a gift that keeps on giving like a face lift. I just lost my period, I don't want to put out an "a.p.b." for my virginity. Come on, the first time isn't fun, just a milestone; a story to laugh about with your girlfriends when you're shit faced. Besides, now I'd have to consider my expensive Frette bedding, instead of a leaky water bed or sleeping bag. Ixnay to being a VA. Keep the pin.

And men, why would you even want a virgin? Let me know asap. I believe in the test drive... many, many test drives. A lifetime of a bad lover for a virgin... who wants to be the first contestant?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Say "goodnight" Hillary

I want to make it official, "good-bye" Hillary Clinton and thanks for trying to be President. Whew! It was exhausting watching you. I sure welcome a break. You must be sleeping a lot now. I'd cut back on the calories however, as I read about all the high carbo/fatty foods you had to eat to be popular . Barack seemed able to dodge the cheesesteaks but then again he lost Pennsylvnia. I'd say it's not worth it just to be leader of the free world. You'd have to spend the first term losing weight; no easy task as you get older. I'm sure you're disappointed but I hope you don't spend too much time being sad or depressed . It's a crappy job. The perks like Air Force 1 are pretty great, but as for trying to repair the last eight years...forget it girl, get some rest and let Barack age 40 years in four. I'd lobby to be a Supreme Court Justice; they look very well rested, have a short work schedule and are really rich.

So Bye-Bye! And sorry. I'd like to believe we hardly got to know you, but I suspect the problem was we knew you too well. I'd still love to hear the nitty gritty about your relationship with Bill. How about a "tell all" after you catch up on sleep. It would definitely be a best seller and I bet you could use the cash. Hillary, as a fellow member of the 70s women's movement I want to thank you for your strength, tenacity, and courage to test the political waters! I'm convinced there will be a woman President someday. As for me, I finally had to buy a bra; thank you gravity.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Sex and the elephant

Watch out for the elephant! You know that big old creature in the living room called, "we never have sex". Well girls I read in the New York Times the bar has been re-set from "never" to 365 and 101 days in a row, thanks respectively to Brad and Charla Muller and Doug and Annie Brown. Is "thanks" the word I'm searching for? Hey don't look at me, I've learned to walk and clean around the big guy. But what better way to perk up the marriage than "I think we should have sex every night for a year... if that's good for you". Annie opted for a consecutive 101 but regardless, I think we have an Olympic event here. Can you say 2020 Winter Games?

I admit I would never have thought of their solution to shooing the creature out of the room. Divorce was my answer to pest control. And there's the Elliot Spitzer school of marriage counseling which is popular but budget wrenching. Why not eliminate costly therapy and take on marital sexual ennui like an aoerbics or spinning class?! After all exercise is good for you. Oprah are you in?

Wow! is my response . Brenda and Annie you're kick ass wives. I read the average couple has sex 66 times a year and I'm still sitting here pondering if that seems like too much or too little....then again I don't mind taking care of two dogs, a horse and an elephant.