Sunday, November 23, 2008

"Hamlet" goes holiday shopping

"To shop or not to shop, that is the question". Isn't it? If you don't like to spend time alone I don't recommend it. I was the only person in Neimans last Thursday. I had 47 sales people all to myself. I was doused in perfume and made-up by three different cosmetic vendors. No, it didn't help and yes, I was smelly. I am however, loaded down with samples of miracle skin creams designed to save me from facial ruin. Generous, but too late. I wandered aimlessly from department to department looking for signs of life. Nope, just me trudging from sale rack, to sale rack to sale rack. I began to ponder, "Could I singlehandedly save the economy buying a new sweater"? The pressure was staggering and tempting.

If only I hadn't read the newspaper that morning, crap. The sweater was oh so soft, but the economy was even softer. The headlines screamed recession, the stock market dropped another 500 points , General Motors wanted to be saved from it's wasteful unconscionable self, and I sported a whole new vocabulary filled with the words: asset backed securties, bundled mortgages, and credit default swaps. Sadly, I can use every freaking one of them in a sentence. I looked at the sweater longingly with tears in my eyes. It was on sale from $360 to $245. I checked my forehead to see if I had a fever. I stuffed it back on the rack and realized I had to save myself from myself, and not the economy. Sorry, Hank Paulson. It looks however,like I could use a bailout package too... can Gail the art dealer, be helped after GM?

Happily, I can now report I have a favorite new place to shop and wow is it ever cheap! Pack up the kids and go to the gas station. I paid UNDER $1.99 a gallon ... does anyone think that's better than sex? So this holiday season I'm going to buy a dozen one gallon containers and give all my friends the gift of gas.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

"Here comes my 19th nervous breakdown"

I was on the verge of a psycho-technological breakdown.... the 21st century replacement to the good old fashioned, "nervous breakdown". Wasn't it easier when family or life events drove you crazy? Instead I pound on the keys of my computer screaming because I have so many entry codes I can't remember which goes where. No, I do not have anger issues! I have "user name" and "password" dementia. I have no idea who I am on any given web-site. Was I an animal, vegetable, mineral, or my date of birth backwards the day I joined? "Artichoke" sounded familiar because I'm a vegetarian and like them, but I also like fruit and tried watermelon both flashed, "password error" and I burst into tears. In personal defeat I clicked the loser option, "forgot your password". Of course I forgot my freaking password, I have approx. 2,000 . I'm drowning in names and number combinations all for the sake of internet security. How could someone steal my identity when I can't even remember my own name?

It was 9:15 a.m and I was on the verge of destruction. I put my head down on my keyboard and tried to take a deep calm breath, but I was wheezing and had begun to itch.  Who was I? I know I wrote it down....did I use capital letters or all lower case?  Oh no, was this site "case sensitive"? Whose idea was "case sensitive" and are they on a watch list? I needed a cabana boy with a tropical drink. I needed a Xanax. I was at the top of the steps considering jumping ( there were only two). I've typed in every name I could think of and the web-site said it wasn't me. IT'S ME, IT'S ME; who else would it be, for God's sake, or was it?  Even I was confused.... I was having a psycho-techno meltdown.

Should I call for help? Is there a hotline for people driven to insanity by their computer? If there is, would I need a user name and password?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Could Viagra in the drinking water be next?!?!?!

HAY CARUMBA!! I can't believe what I just read. Hopefully Mayor Daley hasn't heard the news! The Mayor of Mexico City is giving out free Viagra and various other impotence drugs to men 70 and older. Is this part of the NAFTA agreement, in very, very, very small print? What's up with this? Whoops, bad pun... It seems the wackadoodle Mexican Mayor believes, "sexuality has a lot to do with the quality of life and our happiness". Wow, the way to a happier country is through erectile dysfunction drugs and NOT free elections. Sorry, Jimmy Carter you may not be needed in the third world anymore to count votes... just pass out meds. Oh and President Bush before you go, bring the troops home, and unite Iraq with pharmaceuticals. Why didn't Dick Cheney think of this, he's over 70 and looks unhappy? Besides it's a hell of a lot cheaper than the invasion. Instead of democratizing the world ...oh you get the point.

I think in this country we have plenty of Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis. Men are free to pop the pills hourly, in ten minute intervals, by the handful like yummy blue M&Ms, or in place of a daily vitamin. We CARE about the happiness of our citizens. Oh but wait! Hold on just one sec...what about women?! How many women are happier as a result? I'd like to hold a special election with that question on the ballot. Maybe we can get one of those "trophy wives" to count the votes, after all who's more qualified to know about sex with a man pumped full of Viagra? Hey girlies, wanna help? Maybe you'll get to meet Jimmy Carter.

I say congratulations to the Mexican Mayor for creative political thinking, but he may have some serious "splainin" to do to the women of Mexico City.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Economy May Be Sagging, but You Don't Have To!

Who wants to be part of a special "group rate" face lift with me? Oh come on, it will be fun. I'll have everyone over for a "kiss your old face good-bye" party...and yes, I'll pay for the food and alcohol. I just read in the New York Times that with the economy collapsing so is the cash cow business of plastic surgeons and dermatologists. Some of these docs are now running specials. Wow, it's like a big sale at Bloomingdales, or last call at Neimans. Let's go, go, go. If a face lift sounds like too huge a plunge how about all those fun face fillers that are so freaking expensive? A little plump -me- up, before lunch? Or Botox for breakfast? There's a doctor in Duxbury Mass. doing a two-fer; two syringes of filler for the price of one. I just fainted (needle phobia). Well, just pick me up off the floor and fill up those nasty naso-labial folds.

See, economic collapse isn't so bad, if you can get 20% off on cosmetic surgery, right? Even if you don't need any facial work it might be the perfect time to perk up your gravity plagued breasts or tuck the tummy. Sucking in my stomach sure gets exhausting and push up bras can be so damn uncomfortable. I hear opportunity knocking. My mom might want to join us....never too late even at 90 to try and look 80 again. My group offer does not exclude men. Oh, you're out there with those big mid-life stomachs. Listen up, they are not attractive and women do notice! To say nothing of the lines you think reflect "character" or the turkey jowl neck. I say it's time for you too!

Who's in? Let me know asap.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The "Z" Effect

My blog disappeared! I woke up last Friday morning and ZAP, presto chango, hasta la bye-bye, "gonepausal" had morphed into "godaddy". And for God's sake who or what is "godaddy"? Calmly, I got up from my desk...then started running around the house screaming! It felt pro-active. How could this happen? How, how, how? I ran to the mirror to make sure I was still there. Yep, there I was, dark roots, wrinkles and naso-labial folds staring back at me. I really had to find a plastic surgeon once I stopped screaming. Anyone have a recommendation, I'm taking names. But first I had to call someone, anyone to save me! I needed an internet ambulance.

It's an incredible bummer or like a really bad acid trip when you realize THERE ARE NO PHONE NUMBERS IN CYBERSPACE. I teethed on phones: rotary dial, my precious pink push-button Princess phone, 10 lb portable phones, original foot long cellular phones, and now tiny, tiny itsy bitsy cell phones. I'm a person who can't live without a dial tone! The internet doesn't have people to call for help, it has "options" on which to click... and click... and click. I spent the entire freaking day clicking. And crying. I finally figured out I had let my domain name, "gonepausal" expire and it was snatched away. Now Peter someone is "gonepausal". Peter, got hot flashes dude?

I was lost, despondent, and calling a therapist when the letter "Z" saved me. By changing one letter I could be oh so close to my original blog name. Take that pausal Pete! I'm eternally grateful to my sister for being the genius behind "z" and web-guru Airan for attaching my old blog to the new spelling. At the end of a very very long angst filled day I could only has passed me by and I really do need the name of a good plastic surgeon.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


I can't find the owner's manual to my car which makes it impossible for me to change my clock to Central Standard Time. I desperately need the directions. Then I had the big "ah ha" moment... think how much easier life would be if we all came with an operating manual. Our own personal book of instructions;it's genius! No muss, no fuss,don't ask, just read the manual. Think of the people you would never have dated,married or slept with; wow, a real time and money saver. The most important element of course would be complete and total disclosure. No hiding the truth about what a raving lunatic you are before chugging that first cup of coffee, or fudging the numbers about how much it really costs to have a wrinkle free forehead or hair plugs. The beauty of this brings tears to my eyes! The people who don't run off screaming at the end of the manual are either, retired Green Berets nostalgically looking for a search and destroy mission, or someone as crazy as you are.

Personally I think I'd attract a lot of Green Berets. The hardest part for me would be age disclosure. Sorry Mom, I might have to give up my vow of silence. For starters, I'm the aforementioned raving lunatic before coffee. And after coffee. But not apres a glass of wine approx 9 hours later. I know this begs a lot of cranky time. Is anyone still reading? I don't eat until noon, so ixnay me if you like to go out for breakfast or want me to sunnyside up the eggs. While we're on food, stop reading if you don't like to eat dinner out or don't believe the cocktail hour is spiritual. I've lost more readers, haven't I? There would be a short chapter devoted to bedding. .. oh, and snoring.....and also ticking clocks. Must have at least 400 thread count sheets, absofreakinglutely no snoring and all ticking must be silenced. Oh God, no one will read to the end will they? HOLD ON A SEC! Here's a really good chapter, "I hate, hate, hate, to go shopping"! Oh wait, another great read is, "I love sports , watch the entire NCAA Basketball Tournament and listen to ESPN radio". I'm guessing a very, very, very, small group is still turning the pages.

I'll never be a best seller.

Monday, November 3, 2008


Who hasn't decided? You people need to hurry up. Use a dart board for God's sake, or flip a coin, time's running out. How can you not know? What hasn't been said? Is there one teensie weensie word that hasn't been uttered that would cinch it for you? Twenty four hours and then it's over! Lord have mercy! I was just about at the end of my sanity. Another week and I'd be walking around with a Valium drip attached to my arm. I've been avoiding talking to people for weeks, months or is it years? I put a moratorium on political conversations but it didn't matter, no one paid attention to my pleading. They kept jabbering on and on about John and Sarah regardless of my screaming "GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE"!!! I've only watched the weather channel to avoid politics but Alaska was on the big old national map, and I became depressed.

The only thing I'll miss after the votes are counted is Tina Fey as Sarah. I think we'll all miss her. Tina you were kick ass. I hope on Wednesday when I come out from under the bed where I've been hiding, I'll be able to talk to people again. If it's sunny I think "isn't it a nice day?" would be a good way to get started. I really, really like how that sounds .... "isn't it a nice day"? My medicated isolationist position has kept me out of touch, but a lot less agitated.

And please, please, please, regardless of who wins, no talk of 2012. I need to get my hair cut and roots done, to say nothing of how crappy my nails look...I don't want to go back in hiding for at least three years.