Thursday, December 25, 2008

OY! It's Christmas.

HO, HO, HO, OY! I'm ambilivant about the holidays. So far I've lit Hanukkah candles and wrapped Christmas presents. Admitedly, the "sing along Messiah" is tempting every year, but I think my whiney voice would be a sure give away there was a Jew in the chorus. Ironically, there is a quasi-tradition in my family to watch the Pope deliver midnight mass. My Mom, digs the Pope, what can I say? Christmas morning used to be so exciting, as it was the present post-script to Hanukkah. My little hands were crippled from opening gift after gift after gift; will the fun never end?! December 25, 2008, the year of one gift.

Maybe I should embrace the SPIRIT of the holidays and give up thinking the Fed-Ex truck will pull up with a pile of presents that were over-nighted? Bah Humbug, I have until 2:00 before I abandon all hope, burst into tears, and start drinking heavily. I could dress up the dog for holiday cheer. What outfit would cover Santa and Judah Maccabee? And that would beg trick or treating, which would in fact perk me up! I could also do what all Jews do on Christmas....go to a movie or many many movies, there's approx 12 hours to kill. It's our answer to the "sing along Messiah".

It's 10:00 a.m, I've opened my one present. Now what? Hang on just a minute! I could make the 11:00 showing of "Frost/Nixon", a 2:00 "Revolutionary Road" , the 5:00 "Doubt", a 7:30 Gran Torino, and "The Wrestler" at 10:00p.m.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Quick before it's 2009!

HELP! With only 9 days to go in 2008 I haven't even gotten started on my New Year's resolutions. Ok, ok, I'm a loser, but I still have time. If I do nothing between now and Jan 1 but focus, focus, focus, maybe I can get them all in under the wire. Thank God weight loss wasn't on my list because I'm hungry. Btw some of my resolutions were "iffy" like, "I could spend more time in the grocery store" (note the word "could"). Ixnay to that one, I do not feel like buying a last minute holiday ham. I didn't "whine" less, because that's simply impossible and I'd be unrecognizable to my friends, so whhhhhhhhhy would I do that?

There is no way I'm drinking less wine; I've decided that would be stupid. Cheaper yes, but absolutely no fun. Now here's a biggie and I'm certain waiting to the last minute, makes it impossible... a colonoscopy. I'm the hold-out in my peer group. It seems to be a really popular event and sadly I didn't get to participate in any of the lively colonscopy banter this year. Now, I bet all the docs are on vacay,and it'll have to wait until 2009 or 10 or 11. I confess I couldn't kick the "All My Children" habit. "Erica, I'll never leave you". I would kill however, to know the name/phone number of her plastic surgeon. It's no fair she never ages and I do.

Ah ha! There is one last 2008 resolution that's possible to in the kitchen. It's on everyone's, "places you've had sex other than the bedroom list", except mine and I resolved this would be the year for the addition. Hmmmmm, I have 9 more days and it doesn't require grocery shopping.

Friday, December 19, 2008

SURVEY SAYS.....pick your pleasure.

SEX or the INTERNET? Which would you give up for two weeks? Yes, they did a survey, and why, I have no clue. But SURVEY SAYS....46% of women and 30% of men over 35 picked the internet over sex. Dearies what are you trying to tell me? Wait, there's more shocking news... the percentages increased as the demographic lowered in age. Between the ages of 18 -34, 49% of women picked the internet and 39% of men. BAFFLING. Hold on there girlies, those youngins' are hot. Quick, have lots of sex with them before they're middle aged. Or keep your computers on and hand one of those boys over to to me for two weeks.

I confess I'm an internet junkie. My little laptop calls to me the minute I walk in the door. I barely have my coat off before I run to turn it on. I have no control over this impulse. I've tried to stop myself, pour a glass of wine, relax, but I can't! It's no use I sprint to my office, wine spilling everywhere, and impatiently wait for those narcotic words "you've got mail". AHHHHHH!!!!! Is this the new orgasm? Trust me, there's never anything but junk mail and I spend the next ten minutes disappointed and deleting. Is this really better than sex? Is it? Is it? Is it?

How did this happen? If you're a hypocondriac like me the internet is a DREAM COME TRUE . I can "google" every single ache and pain. I've spent hours just on my left knee. Diagnosing my knee has kept me fascinated for weeks, only briefly interrputed by the research I've done on my cracking right thumb. Btw, my knee still hurts and my thumb is ok. Which makes me wonder whether my medical symptoms are better than sex. Hold on, hold on, don't judge me Briton 1/2 of the men polled said they'd give up sex for 6 months or more for a 50 inch plasma tv!!!! Now that's a trade I wouldn't make. How about you? Survey says....

Monday, December 15, 2008

KISS ME ! But only if you can.

Searching for a perfect gift for that special someone? I'm not... unless it costs the $3.27 I have left in my wallet. Face it, this year's gift giving is going to take some "thinking outside the box" given the economy. Ever wonder what's inside the box and why it's never a good idea? I read in the paper that one of the questions most asked on "Google" was "how to kiss". Wow, and huh? Now granted you can't wrap kissing lessons up in a pretty little package but if someone's a bad kisser, teaching them would be the greatest gift of all; a humanitarian act in my "play book". Does Jimmy Carter know the good will this could spread?

Isn't it down right nerve wracking wondering whether or not someone is going to be a good kisser ? I've spent entire first dates sitting across from a man and while I might have been talking about movies, politics, or weather patterns, I was really only thinking about how he kisses. This is time consuming, anxiety provoking, usually gives me a headache and sometimes hives. Good kisser? Bad kisser? Good kisser, bad kisser? I haven't heard a word he's said, nor cared. Then my specially created , "Oh please let him be a good kisser prayer" kicks in. How great would it be if this worry was eradicated?! But alas, the bad kissers are still out there. Crap. It's really, really, sad when the big first kiss is just about to happen, the moment I've focused on all night... the anticipation building... my head pounding... the prayer endlessly running through my brain ... my cute date gets closer, closer, ever closer ... at last the time has arrived and then ..... "OH NO, OH NO, BAD, BAD, BAD what is he doing"? Oh God I think he broke my front tooth! No, no, not a drooler! He's ruining my new dress. I need a dentist. Is there a 24 cleaners near by??!

I desperately tried to teach someone to be a better kisser once. If you think it's quick and easy you're wrong. I worked diligently at it on every date. Trust me, it wasn't fun or sexy and hurt my jaw, but it was better kissing or hasta la bye-bye. Finally, after 4 or 5 failed attempts... hasta la bye-bye. He never caught on to the nuances of a really great kiss and I couldn't afford chipped teeth.

I recommend if you're searching for that special gift, for a special person who is sadly a bad kisser and you don't want to dump him/her ....give the gift that keeps on giving, contributes to humanity and is cheap... kissing lessons.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Blessing of the SUVs

Now I've heard everything! I was shocked and awed. I had no idea Sunday was "bring your General Motors car to church day" did you? I've heard of the blessing of the pets and the hounds, but not the SUVs. Yep, it's true, it's true... Pentecostal Bishop Charles H. Ellis III in Detroit shared his sanctuary's WIDE body alter on Sunday with three, I say three, shiny sport utility vehicles! Wow Bishop, that was mighty creative thinking to have the cars on stage for a, "Lord please help bail out Detroit" service. To make matters ironic the vehicles were all gas-electric hybrids! I guess it's better late than never? But not really. I heard they've been hiding those electric babies away since 1997/8. Bummer that they weren't cost effective, and screw futuristic thinking... but let us pray anyway.

"We have done all that we can do in the union, so I turn it over to the Lord", General Holiefield, a U.A.W. vice president for Chrysler, told the congregants. Ok, but what about those fat union contracts Lord, do they get to keep them and get bailed out? Mixing bail-outs and religion is down right confusing isn't it? Besides, I think the Lord was busy Sunday trying to get the Detroit Lions in the end zone so they could win one football game. I believe Monday would have been a better time to get his/her attention.

And just one more teensie weensie detail. Sorry to bring this up in the middle of a prayer but what about those crappy cars the BIG THREE insisted on producing? The ones that weren't built to last? The ones that got really, really, really, low gas mileage. Is it hard to make better cars? Oh, but hold on just one second didn't the Japanese figure out how to produce cost effective, fuel efficient automobiles? I think they did. Bishop Ellis, I say after church ditch those SUVs and buy Japanese.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

No News Is No News

I AM SICK, SICK, SICK of the news. I'm tempted to cancel the New York Times, turn off the incessant wack-a-doodle chatter of the talking heads on my tv screen, and watch internet porn instead of internet news. Here's a flash for all the journalists...OBAMA ISN'T PRESIDENT YET. This is why we address him as "President Elect". It means, now listen carefully...he's been elected but not taken office. Wow, that must be confusing. Read it again, if you got lost the first time. Why, why, why is he being criticized all day, every day, by the media? He's too left, he's too right, he's too centrist. He's supposed to be friends of the liberal left, but he's shifted to the right, but he's not right enough, he's too in the middle, but not in the middle enough. Jackie Mason can take it from here!

Can't we take a national collective deep breath? The race for the White House were some of the worst months or was it years of my life. Tempers flared, voices were raised to the "can shatter glass" level, and I feel lucky to have survived without challenging one of my friends to a duel. It's over, it's all over and yet no one's happy, not even the New York Times. Why don't they write about how good Obama looks in a suit? Or his choice of ties, which btw is excellent. Now I feel relaxed and the knots in my stomach have unclenched. Why has political speculation become gospel truth? The man is putting together a cabinet and staff, leave him alone. He can't do anything, not one freaking thing, not even have people over for milk and cookies at the White House , and yet if you read/listen to the news , he's practically a failed President. Whoa, that was it time for another election already?

I for one would like to start an all happy news channel. How about hearing there's a yummy bake sale in your neighborhood, or my yellow Lab Elliot learned to sit, or blue is the new black this winter? Stay tuned, you're going to like this channel....I promise.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Frosty the Freaking Snowman and Me

HELP ME! It's back... it's big..., it's heavy..., it's white, white, white, and it's everywhere! It's snow. Oh God, how I hate the stuff. I'm about to put a carrot nose and prune eyes on my car and name it Frosty the Freaking Snowman; no hat, I don't like hats. I'm sure someone would look at my yard and declare it a "winter wonderland". I look out, start to hyperventilate and dive for the Xanax. My mortal enemy, the weatherman on channel five, is happy. He loves storm warnings. He points to the map giggling while he tracks 12 feet of snow right over my roof. I take it personally. I think he has the absolute most fun when he can interrupt "regularly scheduled programming" and warn of weather horror. Someone please get him fired. I need a sad man who feels really really bad about storms, not Mr.Smiley Face.

I've piled my winter snow outfit on my bed in case there's a break in the giant man eating flakes and I can make a run for it. I'm exhausted looking at the mound of garments. Poor little Heidi , how did she manage? I feel her pain. Long underwear, turtleneck, sweater, down vest, three inch thick socks, mittens, parka, and big black boots; this is my sexy winter wear. No sex 'til spring I'm afraid. I look longingly at my little tank tops trying to hold back the tears.

Please no talk of cross country or down hill skiing as fun snow activities. This does not cheer me up. Send sympathy cards, or candygrams if you want to help.On second thought forget the cards, just send candy!