HELP ME! It's back... it's big..., it's heavy..., it's white, white, white, and it's everywhere! It's snow. Oh God, how I hate the stuff. I'm about to put a carrot nose and prune eyes on my car and name it Frosty the Freaking Snowman; no hat, I don't like hats. I'm sure someone would look at my yard and declare it a "winter wonderland". I look out, start to hyperventilate and dive for the Xanax. My mortal enemy, the weatherman on channel five, is happy. He loves storm warnings. He points to the map giggling while he tracks 12 feet of snow right over my roof. I take it personally. I think he has the absolute most fun when he can interrupt "regularly scheduled programming" and warn of weather horror. Someone please get him fired. I need a sad man who feels really really bad about storms, not Mr.Smiley Face.
I've piled my winter snow outfit on my bed in case there's a break in the giant man eating flakes and I can make a run for it. I'm exhausted looking at the mound of garments. Poor little Heidi , how did she manage? I feel her pain. Long underwear, turtleneck, sweater, down vest, three inch thick socks, mittens, parka, and big black boots; this is my sexy winter wear. No sex 'til spring I'm afraid. I look longingly at my little tank tops trying to hold back the tears.
Please no talk of cross country or down hill skiing as fun snow activities. This does not cheer me up. Send sympathy cards, or candygrams if you want to help.On second thought forget the cards, just send candy!
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Candy is good since you're going to need the extra sugar high to shovel your way out to make your getaway!! Go Frosty Go -
When I was a Bar Tender I met two men from Finland. It was a cold windy night in Dallas TX. The two Finish men sat in front of the main door and every time it opened a gush of cold air would come in and head straight to the Finish men. I finally asked them if they wanted to move to avoid the cold air and I followed that with “I am sure it’s not THAT cold because you come from Finland”. Sven (sounds like a good name for a Finish man) turned to me and said “its Neverhhh cold in Finland” (I love accents). Since one of my favorite subjects is Geography I responded “Yes it is. At Finland northernmost point, the sun does not set for 73 consecutive days during summer, and does not rise at all for 51 days during winter (I knew some day I would use that line I learned from playing Trivia Pursuit). No sun, no warmth darling”
“No Jen, It never gets cold in Finland... It’s what you wear that makes you cold”. Since then I always use that phrase…
Just 3 days ago a friend of mine who moved from New London CT. to Dallas TX two years ago said “Just think, it’s always 20 degrees colder Connecticut” even though neither of those "reverse psychology" lines make me feel better, warmer or changes the fact that in actuality it is cold and windy and this is Fall season, we go through this every year, should we be used to this? I've gone thought weather changes for 48 years, come on! Cold shouldn’t affect me anymore. I do have one solution though; a nice hot cup of coffee with Amaretto or a warm Glogg and the chill is g-o-n-e, if it doesn’t get you warm at least you’ll be too drunk to feel anything. Believe me folks, I know what I am talking about, my mother assigned me to make Glogg every Thanksgiving and… well… I had to taste it every time right? Sometimes one-too-many-times and once I learned to pace myself I realized that not only did it warm me up but I was able to put up with some of the people invited to those Thanksgiving dinners (oh Gail, don't you ever repeat that, you know what I mean...
So if there is snow where you are, know that somewhere North of you is way colder and if you then just drink my friend, DRINK! We know you like your wine darling!
besos y abrazos
Tu prima
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