Searching for a perfect gift for that special someone? I'm not... unless it costs the $3.27 I have left in my wallet. Face it, this year's gift giving is going to take some "thinking outside the box" given the economy. Ever wonder what's inside the box and why it's never a good idea? I read in the paper that one of the questions most asked on "Google" was "how to kiss". Wow, and huh? Now granted you can't wrap kissing lessons up in a pretty little package but if someone's a bad kisser, teaching them would be the greatest gift of all; a humanitarian act in my "play book". Does Jimmy Carter know the good will this could spread?
Isn't it down right nerve wracking wondering whether or not someone is going to be a good kisser ? I've spent entire first dates sitting across from a man and while I might have been talking about movies, politics, or weather patterns, I was really only thinking about how he kisses. This is time consuming, anxiety provoking, usually gives me a headache and sometimes hives. Good kisser? Bad kisser? Good kisser, bad kisser? I haven't heard a word he's said, nor cared. Then my specially created , "Oh please let him be a good kisser prayer" kicks in. How great would it be if this worry was eradicated?! But alas, the bad kissers are still out there. Crap. It's really, really, sad when the big first kiss is just about to happen, the moment I've focused on all night... the anticipation building... my head pounding... the prayer endlessly running through my brain ... my cute date gets closer, closer, ever closer ... at last the time has arrived and then ..... "OH NO, OH NO, BAD, BAD, BAD what is he doing"? Oh God I think he broke my front tooth! No, no, not a drooler! He's ruining my new dress. I need a dentist. Is there a 24 cleaners near by??!
I desperately tried to teach someone to be a better kisser once. If you think it's quick and easy you're wrong. I worked diligently at it on every date. Trust me, it wasn't fun or sexy and hurt my jaw, but it was better kissing or hasta la bye-bye. Finally, after 4 or 5 failed attempts... hasta la bye-bye. He never caught on to the nuances of a really great kiss and I couldn't afford chipped teeth.
I recommend if you're searching for that special gift, for a special person who is sadly a bad kisser and you don't want to dump him/her ....give the gift that keeps on giving, contributes to humanity and is cheap... kissing lessons.
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I think it's a GREAT idea... All I need is nice paper to print the kissing coupons. I will give one to my boss saying "Kiss my ass and have a Merry Christmas". One to my wine store managers "I'll kiss you if you give me a case of Merlot wine on Christmas" and one to someone I met and I want to date "The heck with dinner and a movie, just kiss me and we'll see where we go after that and oh by the way, Merry Christmas" ... And one to my ex "Merry Christmas and kiss this ass good bye"...
Now about bad kissers, I hate that, nothing worse than a bad kisser, specially the ones that you feel their tongue is touching your left tonsil (I still have mine if you don't have yours you are one lucky person).
I just thought of something, I can open a "learn how to kiss workshop" now that would be fun, or would it? what if there is some student that is toothless, ugly and stinks? then we shall sart with kissing etiquette 101. Ok maybe that's a bad idea, as picky as I am picking a mate I am pickier when it comes to who I kiss and who I hug and who I shake hands with so ok I will think about the kissing Christmas present. I just hope I have someone to kiss on Christmas day, now that would be nice.
I think it's a GREAT idea... All I need is nice paper to print the kissing coupons. I will give one to my boss saying "Kiss my ass and have a Merry Christmas". One to my wine store managers "I'll kiss you if you give me a case of Merlot wine on Christmas" and one to someone I met and I want to date "The heck with dinner and a movie, just kiss me and we'll see where we go after that and oh by the way, Merry Christmas" ... And one to my ex "Merry Christmas and kiss this ass good bye"...
Now about bad kissers, I hate that, nothing worse than a bad kisser, specially the ones that you feel their tongue is touching your left tonsil (I still have mine if you don't have yours you are one lucky person).
I just thought of something, I can open a "learn how to kiss workshop" now that would be fun, or would it? what if there is some student that is toothless, ugly and stinks? then we shall sart with kissing etiquette 101. Ok maybe that's a bad idea, as picky as I am picking a mate I am pickier when it comes to who I kiss and who I hug and who I shake hands with so ok I will think about the kissing Christmas present. I just hope I have someone to kiss on Christmas day, now that would be nice.
I don't know why you are making such a big deal about kissing, except for the fact that its the most intimate of all sexual activities. Oh, get your head out of the gutter, you know its true. But kissing is like rhythm, either you got it or you don't and you certainly can't fake it. Good kissers know good from bad in a nanosecond and if its bad then there is no hope for BK (Bad Kisser), only pity. Now there was this one great kisser I knew...but she had fabulous Doberman who I had to keep my eye on for fear that he might not like my technique...but that's another story.
This topic reminded me of my first kiss. I was 17 (I know that is kind of old but it wasn't my fault) and had a hot 1961 Chevy. This had been the third time I had been out with Linda and I knew that I was probably expected to put out. But was it the time? She WAS sitting right next to me on the bench seat (so OK--maybe the car wasn't so hot) and we did hold hands during the date. But, on the other hand, when I put my arm around her she didn't do the same to me. What to do? At all costs I had to avoid going in for the kiss and getting the dreaded check. That would set a fragile ego back years!
So we were making the final turn to her home and she said that we should pull over because her parents didn't like her kissing in front of their house.
WHAT WAS THAT? Wow, I was with an experienced woman! So I knew I was going to get a kiss but now I had a new problem. She was going to compare me to all the other surfers and quarterbacks that she had been kissing. (Like anyone who would be kissing a quarterback would be kissing me but I didn't think of that.)
Anyway, as I remember we shared three chaste kisses before she went into her house. On the last kiss, she put her hand on the back of my head. Heaven! We dated a few more times but our sexual explorations didn't get much farther than that.
I waited until I was 20 to discover french kissing. (Again, not my fault!)
Once again, the topic at hand puts all the blame with the guy. Now really, when a kiss goes bad, does anyone really know who is to blame?
You woman retain most of the "power" here. You control the dreaded check presentation (see above) I am willing to start off with a light brush to the lips but I need SOME idea of how much more is allowed. I am willing to enter the gates of the temple but you have to let me know that the door is open--so to speak. You have to give some gentle guidance as to what is wanted, if anything.
Anyway, I learned more about kissing as the years went by. I still like it but only if the Lakers aren't playing.
Great blog- osculation lessons as a Christmas present. Is there any commercial value here? Not college level stuff but definitely in the trade school or weekend seminar arena.
Try Gail Maria's seven steps to great kisses. You're a writer. How about "Osculation for Dummies". Or, a simple weekend seminar - The Road to Osculatory Independence.
"Alright class we will start today with the tung exercise - in - out - in - out - in - ou... Hey!! You two in the back. We're talking about tungs here! What the hell do you think you're doing? And, put those clothes back on!
If the idea caught on it might put an end to the pain and discomfort caused by awful osculators.
Keep up the good work. You should syndicate your writings.
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