Monday, April 27, 2009

Ken Dolls grow old too

Happy 45th Birthday Ken doll! Welcome to middle age plastic guy. Time sure does fly. I couldn't celebrate Barbie's big 50 and ignore your day. And kudos to Barbie for being "cutting edge" and dating a younger man way before it was hip. Hot damn girl you were a "cougar". Right on Blondie! Although truthfully, Ken was never my type. Bad bad clothes and although I desperately wanted to be a cheerleader ...I never wanted to date one. No megaphone boys for me. He also orginally had felt hair which fell off when wet. "Oh my God... Ken, your hair's at the bottom of the pool"! Gross. That must have been a big turn-off for our little Barbie in her itsy bitsy bikini. I know I would have dumped him after I stopped screaming.

Btw, did anyone know the plastic fantastic duo broke up in 2004? What could possibly have split them up, they seemed so perfect. Was Ken in full "mid-life" crisis? Poor Barbie wasn't a young hottie anymore? Ken, wake up you dope, she still had perky breasts, and a great colorist, unlike me. Did plastic boy buy a Porsche and start wearing Euro - trash clothing from Barneys while our girl was training hard to be an Astronaut , Nanny and Olympian? Don't fret Blondie there's always GI Joe. He must be out of the Armed Forces by now and have a very nice pension. Hopefully he's purchased some civilian outfits.

I'm guessing Joe's ditched the camoflage clothes and has flat abs. As for Ken....cheerleaders never age well.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Jewish Princess Blues

Why didn't I take auto mechanics in school? I just watched a friend put a new engine in his was un freaking believable! I was awestruck. Tools, wires, cables, nuts, bolts, screws were everywhere, and he knew exactly what to do. Back in high school I was consumed with "what will I wear today?" and couldn't be distracted by transmissions or carburators. Instead, I indulged in the labor intensive task of searching my closet for another new fashion combo. "Nope, wore that 3 days ago", or "Mom, why isn't my blue print blouse ironed yet"? Yes, I whined when I said it, and yes, I arrived at college unable to iron. I couldn't do anything except match clothes. Learning how to change a tire or the oil would have been a whole lot handier and cheaper.

"Handy" people are a veritable religious experience to me. I'm dumbstruck by a person on a ladder with a tool in their hand. I want a tool too! Ixnay to the ladder, I'm afraid of heights. Am I hopeless? Or is it genetic? Perhaps I'm not predisposed to re-wire a lamp or fix a faucet. My indestructable and tenacious Jewish Princess gene must have gone on a search and destroy mission for all my "handy" chromosones. I have however, defiantly mastered jiggling the handle of a running toilet. Oh, hang on a sec, I can take off the top of the tank and look in.... I don't know what to do next, but it feels like an accomplishment. Eventually the irrefutable Princess gene prevails and I call a repairman. Curses!

I stare longingly at my friend's tools and wonder what it all means. I pick up a wrench and feel the urge to fix something. The urge passes. What should I wear today?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Frugalistas Unite!

My time has come! I can no longer be labeled the cheapest woman alive..... (yes, it's true, so cheap I had buyer's remorse after I went through a toll booth). In these economic times it's morphed into good "financial planning". I'm not a curmudgeonous penny pincher anymore , I'm "frugal". Frugal is in, it's hip, it's conscientious, it's so 2009! Dad, great news, you're not a cheapster anymore either, you're a role model. No Netflix for him, no siree, it's Bonanza re-runs. Finally it doesn't look crazy when he makes his own lemonade with the free water and lemons at Panera! Wow,my dad is happening! I recommend you watch him and learn.

"Frugalistas" are the new"fashionistas". It's the hipster term for those who refuse to sacrifice style and not spend $$$ . The girls are trading clothes just like in high school. I wish I had my old Villager outfits to swap. Whoa baby, being cheap, I mean frugal, is cool! Clothing swap events are popping up everywhere. Unfortunately my "everything must go" closet sale has made it hard for me to join in so I'm sad because I love parties. I wonder if anyone would trade something in size 4 for my mink coat with one arm ? Yipee I want to be part of the fun.

I don't believe saving grocery money by growing my own food is in the immediate future. My luck with plant life would beg I'd starve to death before my first tomato appeared.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

"Bathrobe Woman" vs. the economy

I can't get out of my bathrobe. Help me! I put on clothes to go out for food but the second I get home I rip them off and my comfy green fleece robe goes back on. Not an attractive look I admit. I've tried to dress it up with black suede Kate Spade high heels, but it didn't work. And yet, as bad I look I can't take it off. I've become "BATHROBE WOMAN"! Step aside, Spider Man . Courageously wrapped in green fleece I have schlepped down the driveway for the newspaper. Weather is no obstacle! I haven't been arrested yet but a Jack Russel Terrier stopped chasing a squirrel to bark at me. Oh and a neighbor reminded me I wasn't dressed. Duh! I'm in my economic downturn outfit.

"BATHROBE WOMAN" keeps me safe from financial ruin. It prevents me from going out and buying the 2 pairs of shoes I have on hold at Neimans. It keeps me away from the cosmetic counter at Saks and Lord knows I could use some make-up. I stay home curled up with the L.L. Bean catalogue and any desire to buy new clothes vanishes. Just say a big fat "no" to khaki pants and topsiders. I sit in front of the tv watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy wrapped in my cozy green robe, pissed it will be weeks until they resume new episodes but happy I haven't spent the $$ in my wallet.

Tim Geithner , Larry Summers and Ben Bernake can't get me down when I'm "Bathrobe Woman". I've found a way to beat the economic blues... home in my green robe.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Tory Burch, Cordani and me, oh my!

I tried to buy a pair of shoes. I wish I had Tim Geithner on speed dial, because I really needed help deciding whether to "buy or not to buy"? Tim, Tim, Tim, that is the question. I was practically salivating as I stared at the fabulous Tory Burch sandals; oh and they came in red or yellow patent leather. I broke down and tried them on. So cute and almost comfortable. I had a color on each foot . I was shaking and a little nauseous trying to bring myself to pull out my Neiman's charge card. Ben Bernake, what's a girl to do? Save, spend, save, spend, save....I put them on "hold". I bought myself "time" not shoes. Much cheaper.

I couldn't stop myself, on to the next shoe store. I was crazed but focused. A pair of green, yes green Cordani sandals called to me from the shelf. As if hypnotized I asked to try them on. I needed to talk to President Obama, I needed government intervention! Help me I need regulators....or TARP money. I loved these sandals too. I was sweating and gasping for breath. Should I spend, spend, both pairs in the name of economic recovery? Or save, save, save and have no cute summer shoes? Moments from fainting I put them on "hold" also. HOLD EVERYTHING!

I have no idea what to do. With two pairs of shoes on "hold" I'm in purchasing limbo and riddled with uncertainty. I think I'm going to pack a lunch and go try them on again. Perhaps by then someone from the Fed will have returned my call.