Friday, October 29, 2010

Japenese Food is Complicated but Colorful

I love Japanese food but it's confusing. "Let's go for Japanese!" sends chills down my spine and I feel a nervous rash breaking out on my cheek. Japanese food sure looks fun though doesn't it? It's fresh (hopefully), colorful, and groovy to eat. I'm handy with the chopsticks and don't mind resorting to my fingers if I can't grab something and it falls on my plate. Admitedly, I'm totally excited until I read the menu. Then my brain starts to hurt. OMG what do all these crazy combinations mean, and do they really eat avocadoes in Japan? Why, does every roll include the California fruit? Are the Japanese longing to surf and drink a hearty Cabernet also?

I spend more time decifering the menu than eating. Thankfully some Japanese restaurants come with cheat sheets so I can match the name of the mysterious fish to a picture. I have to make absolutely certain I'm not eating anything that has legs. Creepy! No legs for this girl. I study the menu like it's an SAT exam and everyone else is happily ready to order. This makes me anxious and I feel my rash getting bigger. My friends rattle out what they want and I'm still at "huh?" The waitress stares at me and I start asking questions like "Are you sure this doesn't have legs? "No ma'am no legs," she reassures me but what if she's just saying that? I'm torn between seven different varieties of rolls and 12 kinds of sushi. I'm crazily reading and matching tekka-maki, kappa-maki, hamaguri and, tamago with pictures. I want to blurt out "I'll have a turkey burger" but know that will ruin everyone's evening. I swig down my large size Saki to relieve the pressure I'm under and promise myself from now on I'll only go out for Italian.

Ultimately I always place the same sushi order : 3 salmon, 2 tuna, 1 yellow tail, 1 shrimp and 1 tamago. I eat every last piece of fish and grain of rice. I'm still hungry but thankfully my rash is gone. Later that night I order a pizza.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

"Tell" Even if Your Best Friend Doesn't Ask

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but I never thought he was right for you." Excuse me?! How many people have heard that before? And even worse it was your best friend who finally spit it out. Your closest friend in the world with whom you've shared every secret except that incredibly freaking important one. My question is why why why don't the folks that didn't want to "hurt your feelings" speak up sooner? Wouldn't it have been so much better to hear these opinions before the devastating break-up? When you were so blinded by love, lust, or infatuation that you couldn't think or see straight maybe a word or two of warning from a friend would have been nice! If that doesn't work a quick slap across the face is tasteless but appropriate.

My Dad has come up with some doozies as I sat in the living room sobbing. "He was a freeloader." Oh that's comforting, as I lunged for another Kleenex. "Dad, what does that mean?" I doubted it would make me happier but I was curious. "Didn't you see how he always ate so much food when he was at a family function." Huh? "He never stopped eating." "Dad he could afford food," I choked out as I didn't want to think I spent four years with someone who only liked me for the free meals. "Mom, what did you think?" "He was too Gentile." I was speechless and looked around for a bible. I think a big chocolate cake would have been more comforting.

I admit it would be hard to tell a friend you think their significant other treats them badly or worse is cheating on them. How do you start that conversation? "I can't believe how cold and snowy it's been this winter. I really need a vacation and think you should come with me because your husband is having an affair." Do not say this in a public place and immediately administer a Valium. As difficult as it is to believe, "I didn't want to hurt your feelings but...." is a much harder pill to swallow.

Friday, October 22, 2010

I'm Sorry Bergdorfs but I LOVE TARGET

I love Target. I know I've said it before and I'm saying it again - Target is the new Bergdorfs. If you're feeling every so slightly pinched for cash and your t-shirts have tiny little rips under the arms like mine don't despair. Jump in the car and head out to that really cool giant T . Last night I was running around the t-shirt department laughing and throwing shirt after shirt in my cart. Take that Bergdorfs; they were cute, almost cotton, long sleeved, short sleeved and only $10. I was wiping away tears. I can't remember the last time I was that happy before the cocktail hour. I wasn't done, no siree. I needed boxer shorts to sleep in as mine have been washed so many times I only had one pair left that hadn't desintegrated. My original plan was the Gap, but be still my heart! An entire rack of boxers for - drum roll - $5.00 a pair. I think I fainted. I hope Bill Clinton knows about this bargain.

I had to face it, I may love the Gap for jeans but ixnay to the $15 boxers. It was then I spotted racks and racks of bras. Ah ha! Could it be I would finally find one I liked and it would be really cheap? I had recently bought a bra I hated and have yet to figure out another use for it. Any ideas? It's possibly small enough to be a rainhat for a cat . Although the lingerie department was terribly tempting my "shopping meter" was up. I had already stayed 30 minutes longer than I've ever spent in any store except The Wine Discount Warehouse.

As I pulled money out of my wallet to pay I spotted my Saks, Bergdorfs, Neimans, and Bloomdales charge cards. I longed for those stores for a brief moment and then got over it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Wedding Announcements Can Ruin a Perfectly Nice Sunday

Do you want to feel really bad about yourself, and not only yourself but your kids? Read the bridal announcements in the Sunday New York Times and you'll have self loathing. Every week it makes me crazy, who are these people?

 Reading about the brides, grooms, and their parents could send me to therapy or a bar.  Each bride or groom has: saved the lives of hundreds of homeless people by the age of 20, climbed Mt. Everest more than once, earned a Ph.d in English and Microbiology, created a software program during their senior year at an Ivy League school and sold it for $50 million, lived in a tent in the Sub Sahara tending to drought victims or is "on track" to be the youngest Senator in U.S. history. Who are these kids?

It gets worse. The parents of these wunderkind are weapons of ego destruction. Both Mother and Father alike have: cured some form of Cancer, discovered a new gene therapy that will eradicate all diseases that start with the letter "M", produced seven Oscar winning movies, run the campaigns of three Presidents , written a Pulitzer prize winning novel which was turned into a film that grossed $300 million, helped get Nelson Mandela released from prison, or know Oprah. I have weekly self loathing and throw the bridal section in the garbage without bothering to re-cycle. I'm frantic, need medication and definitely more education.

 I have one grown son so have to prepare my list of accomplishments soon. I've wracked my brain as to what I could proclaim in the paper. So far I've come up with: worked selling shoes for a day, candy striper for one semester senior year in high school (with pictures to prove it), grocery store check-out girl at 16, pizza waitress for 4 hours and 15 minutes in college, waited tables for one lunch hour shift after college, changes the oil every 3,000 miles and in 2009 learned to "copy and paste" on a laptop.

I have six days until the next wedding announcements are released    and my self worth tested once again.  That's not enough time to get to the base camp of Mt. Everest .

Friday, October 15, 2010

Wanted: A Giant Pedestal for my Next Date

I have a lovely white pedestal and can't decide what to put on it: a flowering plant, a sculpture, a pre-Columbian pot or a man. This is a big problem because recently I read in order to secure a date, or maintain a relationship I need to put a man up there. Of course this would beg a lot more care and feeding than my other options. To say nothing of the fact that the man unlike the pre-Columbian pot would probably complain . There's a rumor that men are fed up and tired from hoisting women up on pedestals when they were in their twenties. They are mad, and "won't take it anymore." Whoa fellas get a grip. Unless you're in back spasm or have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome I'd say settle down and take a Flexoril. My understanding is these men are now demanding equal pedestal time from women or, out you go! "Hey baby move over or jump off." I bought my pedestal at a re-sale shop so I don't know if it will hold anything over 40 lbs. I'll be dateless but plants are nice.

Truthfully and this is where I'm confused I don't remember spending anytime on a pedestal in my twenties...or thirties or forties...or ...I'm going to stop there for the sake of vanity. Nope, I've been a ground dweller for as long as I can remember. I missed the ancient "pedestal era" and now I have to deal with the backlash? I asked my 33 year old son if he got tired of putting women on pedestals in his twenties. "Mom, what are you talking about? Pedestal? What does that mean?" I decided to ask my 43 year old web-site helper, "Michael, are you tired from putting women....." He stared at me like I was Anita Bryant. My girlfriend Renee said she never met a pedestal bearing man and wanted to know where to find one asap. Too late darlin'.

So what's going on? What is it men want? The word "pedestal" belongs in the dictionary not in a relationship. Call me heretical but I'm from the age of "equals." I think I'll water my plant now.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Men Can't Live Alone -True, False or Urban Legend?

Boys and girls prepare for battle. My friend Jack says he's tired of women always going on and on about how they are better at living alone than men. "Blah, blah, blah, blah," is apparently all he hears when women start the "men can't live alone conversation." "I've heard it so many times it's taken on mythic proportions," he explained. I think I've made the statement myself I told him, because so many of the widowers or divorcees I've met are re-married in a nano-second. What's wrong with being without a partner for a day or two as long as you have food and water?

"Women always say they can be alone because they have friends to fill their lives. They think men don't and therefore are lonely," he continued. But hang on for his next claim and be ready to take up arms, "Men don't live alone because they don't have to. Most of the women I've dated wanted to live with me." HA! Pistols drawn I say we meet at high noon or the OK Coral. Are the numbers so disproportionate that a man can pick a partner off the "woman tree" out back? I know I can live alone, or almost alone because I've always had a dog. "Beefy Boy" is exceptional company and stares at me adoringly - especially when I'm eating. I also lived solo during my years with Thurber, my Doberman. He did tend to scare dates away but I said they weren't my type if they couldn't get past his grinning white teeth at the top of the stairs.

I think living alone is a blessing and a curse. I think living with someone is a blessing and a curse. Do men have a bigger dating pool from which to chose and can therefore decide in a nano second to no longer be alone? Should women stop stating so assuredly that "men can't live alone?" Shockingly, this Ms. Know-It-All doesn't know. Do you?

Friday, October 8, 2010

World's Shortest Blog or Sam What Are You Thinking?

They're baaaaaack ...... together.

Is there a therapist who can explain this to me? I'm confused. Are you?

Monday, October 4, 2010

He's Baaaaaaack - No Not Michael Jordan!

Just when I thought my guy Sam was engaged and off the dating market...he's baaaaaack. Admitedly not as huge an announcement as the return of Michael Jordan but surprising none-the-less. "Wow cute engaged guy what happened?" I was finally beginning to believe that maybe there really is "someone for everyone" as my Mom likes to say or "it only takes one" as my Dad espouses as he stares at me. Sorry folks but my boy Sam is single again after only a few engaged weeks. Whoa that's a mind bender. Thankfully I didn't buy a gift or send a card because then I'd definitely be really sad. I'm cheap we know that. I was excited after what seemed like 300 years on that his search for the "right" woman came to an end. I think the site should provide tenure status for people who have been members for over ten years. Free membership for the tenured or at least a health care plan.

Here's the problem in mid-life dating - who really is that person sitting across the table? I went out with a man who seemed perfect for me. He was successful , we laughed, shared the same politics, he was tall... all good until he had the fifth glass of wine. Then my cutie turned into psycho drunk and I was his target. Hey buddy back off and so long Mr. Perfect. Or how about the lawyer I dated with the fabulous second home which he admitted quite happily was owned by the bank because he stopped paying his mortgage so his wife couldn't get it in their divorce settlement. Impressive thinking and bye-bye Mr. Sleezy. And just for giggles, the professor who mentioned with pride the best year of his marriage was the one in which his wife was dying. Uh oh would we only find happiness if he outlived me? Not ready to sign up for that tour of duty, adios Dr. Demento.

Is it necessary to do a complete background check before the first date? By 50 we have so much baggage that a team of Sherpas to schlep it around is pretty much mandatory. (And sadly the closest I'll get to my fantasy of climbing Mt. Everest.) Seeing as how I need to hire a private investigator in order to go on a date I sure hope likes my tenure idea.