"I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but I never thought he was right for you." Excuse me?! How many people have heard that before? And even worse it was your best friend who finally spit it out. Your closest friend in the world with whom you've shared every secret except that incredibly freaking important one. My question is why why why don't the folks that didn't want to "hurt your feelings" speak up sooner? Wouldn't it have been so much better to hear these opinions before the devastating break-up? When you were so blinded by love, lust, or infatuation that you couldn't think or see straight maybe a word or two of warning from a friend would have been nice! If that doesn't work a quick slap across the face is tasteless but appropriate.
My Dad has come up with some doozies as I sat in the living room sobbing. "He was a freeloader." Oh that's comforting, as I lunged for another Kleenex. "Dad, what does that mean?" I doubted it would make me happier but I was curious. "Didn't you see how he always ate so much food when he was at a family function." Huh? "He never stopped eating." "Dad he could afford food," I choked out as I didn't want to think I spent four years with someone who only liked me for the free meals. "Mom, what did you think?" "He was too Gentile." I was speechless and looked around for a bible. I think a big chocolate cake would have been more comforting.
I admit it would be hard to tell a friend you think their significant other treats them badly or worse is cheating on them. How do you start that conversation? "I can't believe how cold and snowy it's been this winter. I really need a vacation and think you should come with me because your husband is having an affair." Do not say this in a public place and immediately administer a Valium. As difficult as it is to believe, "I didn't want to hurt your feelings but...." is a much harder pill to swallow.
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4 comments:
Great blog! Sometimes friendship means you have to tell the truth at the risk of losing that friendship. Tough lessons!
A serious blog. OK a serious answer or serious questions. Do the people you pick for loved ones have to pass muster with your friends and relatives? What does, "He is not right for you." mean? Worse yet what does, "He WAS not right for you." mean? "I knew that."? So what.
Rejection is not a pleasant thing for most people, some make it the end of the world - for a few weeks anyway. I preferred not to waste that time, unless I was enjoying the attention.
Why is it difficult for people to just say, "I'm sorry that happened."? Do they have to criticize your taste in picking the person as well?
No offense but if you make your business their business or put your pain out there for comments - you should not be surprised at what they come up with.
Here's a test. Pick the appropriate breakup comment? 1. He was not right for you. 2. He cheated on you. 3. He hit you (you didn't know that?) 4. He picked his nose in public. 5. He told me you were an ass. and 6. Are you going to eat that pickle? neil (for Jen Jen)
I think it would be the most important to tell a friend about an affair you knew their spouse/sig.other was having. I have no idea how you would bring that up in an unhurtful way but I personally would want that information before I discovered it on my own in some really treacherous manner. As for "I never thought he was right for you" can be comforting when you're reeling from a break-up. Then you can rally and say "hey, you're right he wasn't...I'm moving on as soon as I stop crying."
Dear Gail Maria;
A friend should always be honest. There is always a way to tell someone you care about that their significant other is up to no good. One thing about a best friend is that they know how to talk to you. Will it hurt? Absolutely, some truths always hurt, however, in the end it will hurt you anyway. Weather your friend tells you anyway she/he can or weather you find out one way or another or the break up, it will hurt no matter what BUT what would hurt me more is if I knew my best friend knew it and didn't tell me, THAT would really not only hurt but I would wonder what else doesn't she know that she hasn't told me yet?.
When my niece Marishel was 14 years old I asked her if she had a boyfriend and she said NO I asked why and she said "Friends for ever, boyfriends whenever" and it is so true. One person you can always count on and will always be there for you no matter what is that best friend, they don't cheat on you, they don't eat all the food at family gatherings and you don't have to be woken up in the middle of the night cos they want sex, so I agree with Marishel.
Friendship is a very sacred thing and trust can't be lost. If you can't count on your best friend then who can you count on?.
Fron Dr. Ruth with love.
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