Do you want to feel really bad about yourself, and not only yourself but your kids? Read the bridal announcements in the Sunday New York Times and you'll have self loathing. Every week it makes me crazy, who are these people?
Reading about the brides, grooms, and their parents could send me to therapy or a bar. Each bride or groom has: saved the lives of hundreds of homeless people by the age of 20, climbed Mt. Everest more than once, earned a Ph.d in English and Microbiology, created a software program during their senior year at an Ivy League school and sold it for $50 million, lived in a tent in the Sub Sahara tending to drought victims or is "on track" to be the youngest Senator in U.S. history. Who are these kids?
It gets worse. The parents of these wunderkind are weapons of ego destruction. Both Mother and Father alike have: cured some form of Cancer, discovered a new gene therapy that will eradicate all diseases that start with the letter "M", produced seven Oscar winning movies, run the campaigns of three Presidents , written a Pulitzer prize winning novel which was turned into a film that grossed $300 million, helped get Nelson Mandela released from prison, or know Oprah. I have weekly self loathing and throw the bridal section in the garbage without bothering to re-cycle. I'm frantic, need medication and definitely more education.
I have one grown son so have to prepare my list of accomplishments soon. I've wracked my brain as to what I could proclaim in the paper. So far I've come up with: worked selling shoes for a day, candy striper for one semester senior year in high school (with pictures to prove it), grocery store check-out girl at 16, pizza waitress for 4 hours and 15 minutes in college, waited tables for one lunch hour shift after college, changes the oil every 3,000 miles and in 2009 learned to "copy and paste" on a laptop.
I have six days until the next wedding announcements are released and my self worth tested once again. That's not enough time to get to the base camp of Mt. Everest .
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8 comments:
ROFL...you really shouldn't post your blogs in the late evening. I'm laughing so hard it's going to be difficult to fall asleep. On the up side I'll have delightful dreams. Gail, find a publisher quick. I need these in a hard bound copy. -Kit
Thank you sister dear. I feel better now although you did fail to mention that Pep CLub created a new position for me as I was too fat and uncoordinated to be a cheerleader. I ordered the uniforms! It was a very big deal believe me.
LMFAO. Not only due to Gail's blog but Terry's comment above OMG! REALLY? hahahaha. Must run to pee..... Ok I'm back.
I can imagine mine Jen and Ms.Bean "PINTO - BEAN" are happy to announce their wedding February 30th 2011 at 1:60 P.M.
Lets see, my claims to fame to put on the news paper would be: Personal Limo driver to Billy Joel for a weekend. A Dancer for money. Contributor to publishing the 1st Yellow pages in Spanish in the U.S.A. Had sex with a very famous band's drummer (not Billy Joel's band). Immigrant to the USA but legally born in this mighty country. Photographer, guitar player and song writer. Saved a turtle from being run over on a busy highway. Helped a very drunk old lady cross the dance floor to get to the other side of the bar and she gave me $20.00. Inventor of many things previously invented but didn't know it (sort of like Columbus discovering America, he thought he did but really didn't)
Didn't try for the cheerleader team but went after the cheerleaders hahaha.
BTW It will be a day in hell if I EVER marry, be engaged or publish a wedding announcement, oh hell no.. I believe living in "sin" is best.
Why can't they have "Shacking up announcements" instead? That would be fun.
Terry, forgive me I had no idea that had to create a special position for you because you weren't qualified to cheer lead. You ordered the uniforms?!? Oy and so sad.
DR. Ruth - WHAT FAMOUS DRUMMER DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH???? I need to know. As for BIlly Joel - nice weekend gig and kudos for rescuing the turtle from emminent death. Quite a wedding announcment I say.
Kit:
Sorry for the late night posting - never want to keep you up , but am flattered you were laughing. I have to hit myself over the head to fall asleep.
Gail darling. Billy Joel was great! I've always been a huge fan so I bid for that job and got it... Awesome guy and gives great tips.
The Turtle rescue, yes the problem is that I scared the piss out of him cos he peed all over me as I was running across the damn highway but he was saved and I just had to go home and take a shower. FYI turtle pee stinks and turtles have big penises, just in case you get that question next time you play trivia.
Who did I have sex with hmmmm, that's a secret I will keep but I will give you a hint, drummer, 1979, big hair, male and the leader of the band still is the most awesome guitar player. This is when I was in the "closet" honey, Oh WAIT! As a matter of fact we had sex IN THE CLOSET.. to funny. Was he good? I don't remember.
I was at a vintage store few months ago and looked over the old LP's and there it was, on the cover, the entire band and BAM! there he was, smiling. I said to myself "Dr Ruth? WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING?" I guess at that time I was drunk, high and horny, who knows, however he is no longer with the band and I think the turtle penis was bigger(body proportionate to penis size of course.
Terry, your dream can still happen honey, Halloween is here and if you still have that uniform wear it this year and do a cheer, take a video and post it in youtube and THEN you will be famous.
I hate the New York Times
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