Friday, September 26, 2008

Ben Bernanke, Hank Paulson, Chris Cox: The Brothers Gloom

Well nothing takes your mind off of Sarah Palin and new fall clothes like economic collapse. I am trying really, really hard to understand what's going on. Just when I thought I had the lingo down and could use "asset backed securities" in a sentence Lehman Bros failed and I was confused again. Here one day, and poof(!) gone the next. English majors do not understand this. "Bundled mortgages" was another concept I almost grasped, but then I couldn't fathom exactly how many "bundles" there must be and my head started to spin around. Are executive's desks all over the world piled high with nasty old bundles? The Dow Jones dropped hundreds of points one day and oil prices went up,up, up. I decided to walk to Neimans to save on gas and packed an overnight bag. The next day oil dropped and stocks rose...I took a cab home.

I found myself glued to the Senate Banking Committee hearings on CNN. I put on a black dress for the occasion, so as not to appear optimistic. Those guys are bummers aren't they? But there were some tasty ties on the gloom brothers, Ben Bernake, Hank Paulson, and Christopher Cox. I listened carefully to their doomsday scenario unless the government handed over a check for $700 billion . Wow bummer boys, I'd love to hand over that kind of money because you've done your respective jobs really really well to date. I totally trust each and every one of you. Why would I want any sort of ACCOUNTABILITY as criteria? Btw it was nice to see the Senate Banking committee working; sorry vacay is over.

"To bail or not to bail, that is the question"... isn't it? Oh come on, they're bailing, after they've finished posturing. And when all is said and done, I hope there's a provision in the bailout bill earmarked for Valium in the drinking water. We'll need it.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Cialis, Larry King, or McDreamy?

I need an exorcist that specializes in presidential elections. Politics have taken over my brain; infiltrated my every thought and conversation. I've lost friends and influenced no people with my opinions. There must be more to life than Democrats and Republicans. I need some pre-election fun. I need better/more medication. I obviously need to be alone. Sadly, television is my only companion. Truthfully, thank God, "Grey's Anatomy", "Desperate Housewives", and "Brothers and Sisters" start up again this week. At long last, empty & mindless diversion! Any moment spent not thinking about the price of oil is a moment worth spending with those wacky gals on Wisteria Lane.

Bye-bye MSNBC and CNN; thanks for the anxiety and high blood pressure. So long Larry King and your really bad hair days. No offense babe but it blows my mind to think you got seven women to marry you. Wow and huh!? Hopefully, so long to all those commercials about erectile dysfunction. It was weird that so many ads on the cable news channels were for Cialis. Although I recently read that there is more interest in the campaign among older voters than younger ones ...thus the ads? Thanks to Barack Obama and John McCain, I now know there are 3 types of Cialis: the original (whatever that means), 36 hour (whatever that means) and the new, daily Cialis (whatever that means). Whoa, so much to learn before the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy on Thursday.

Feeling completely ignorant and pressed for time I asked my friend Dan about Cialis. He looked at me like I was nuts, yet thoughtfully replied "huh"? Does anyone know the difference between the original, 36 hour and daily dose? Quickly I posed the same question to my buddy John. John, sorry I scared you. He didn't know the answer but seemed mortified speculating a daily dose could cause a 24 hour erection and he'd end up in the emergency room. I defintely get the feeling more specific information is needed from these commercials. So for all of you glued to cable news, let me know if you find out the difference. As for me ,I'll be watching with baited breath to see if Meredith and McDreamy really get back together... and I hope they don't mention being a Republican or Democrat.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Baked Alaska or Hillary'?

I need the Olympics back! I don't care if the Chinese girls are only 12...I want gymnasts and hunky swimmers. I'd even take rowers, archers, or anything synchronized .... I'm desperate. I can't stand politics anymore! I think I had a life before this election. I vaguely remember having friends . It seems so very long ago. I also used sentences that didn't have the words McCain, Obama, red state, blue state or SARAH in them. Suddenly the word "troopergate" is part of the vernacular. What's next "poopergate"? Hey, it could happen. A few misssing diapers and it's a whole new political ballgame. See how crazy I've become? I need to get out more.

I went to the dentist where I thought I would be safe from politics. I found myself looking moronically forward to the People Magazines he has for his patients. This is a very very nice touch and one reason why I'll never leave him. An article about Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie might be just what my jangled brain needed to prevent it from exploding. Ixnay that thought because "you know who" was on the cover. Is there no place to hide? Quick Dr. D bring the novacaine, anything, anything, but more Sarah.

I actually left his office with a lovely new filling and some stunning political fodder. Wow, not only is Dr. D good with the novacaine needle he's a very cagey thinker. He had a crafty prediction that would put a smile on the face of Karl Rove... or sneer, which ever means he's happy. He said that if the Palin frenzy didn't die down in the next few weeks, Joe Biden would voluntarily step aside as the V.P. candidate and voila Hillary's back. Take that Ms. Baked Alaska! Like a dream come true. Dr. D, what an idea! Why isn't he running the Democratic party? Of course if my dentist is right, I'm going to be consulting with him on all my sports bets. But regardless , I've decided for peace of mind to go to his office everyday between now and the election.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Ms. Vice President Pageant

SEX! Sex! Sex! Sex! Jeez even that doesn't get anyone's attention at the moment. I bet the porn sites are wondering where everyone went. There is nothing on the national collective consciousness except Sarah Palin. Ms lipstick on a bulldog, hockey mom is everywhere, on every mind. Sa rah, Sa rah, Sa rah!!! I can hear the chanting. What's up with this? Britney Spears is off the cover of "Us" and Sarah's on. Is she the Republican candidate for Ms. America? Is that what we want, a Ms. America Vice President? That's freaky... but I like Joe Biden's chances in the swimsuit part of the competition. Personally I thought John McCain was a more serious dude. Didn't all those years in a prison camp scare the crap out of him? And now he's trying to scare the crap out of me? Thanks pal.

It's 3:00 a.m. , the phone rings in the White House and it's not about a pepperoni pizza delivery. It's about China, Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, Russia; SPIN THE WHEEL AND PICK A COUNTRY. Who answers? Ms. America Sarah. Yep, I'm betting she's on the line. Whoa, I'm a little nauseous and have lost my appetite for pizza. I sure hope she's been "briefed" enough. But wait, she was Governor of a sparsely populated state and before that Mayor of a tiny, tiny town. Oh yeah, now I'm feeling a whole lot better, thanks.

Ok, I'm angry, but don't have a gun, so relax. I've noticed we're all pissy about this election. It's bringing out the worst in everyone. I'm becoming a misanthrope by default. I've decided to only talk to people who agree with me, that way I can stop popping Xanax, clenching my teeth by day and grinding them to a pulp at night. The only emails I get anymore are highly charged political diatribes which are too long to read but I agree with them. The debates should be really really interesting. I wonder if Sarah will wear a hockey jersey or swimsuit? I plan on watching them alone after I remove all the sharp objects from my house.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Oh no, anything but the clicker!

I've called the paramedics to come remove the tv clicker from my hand. I don't know what I'll do if they can't, as it certainly doesn't go with any of my fall clothes. Anyone know a good surgeon or exorcist? I have been sitting in front of the tv clutching the damn thing since the finals of Wimbledon back in June, then clicked to the Olympics for weeks on end, next click was Denver and St. Paul for the conventions and finally clicked to the U.S. Open where tonight at long, long, long last my tv life will come to an end. I've scheduled the paramedics right after the men's singles final to pry the channel turning device from my hand. I certainly hope I don't have to serve them appetizers. Worse than lack of feeling in my wrist and inability to use my fingers is now I have to find a life. Got meds?

I must admit I didn't think anything could keep my attention after the U.S. mens swim team . All my expectations were surpassed however during the political conventions. Whoa baby, things got so contentious around here I almost had to use the clicker as a weapon. I think it can double as a Ninja device if used properly and I need to learn that. I know at least 3 or 4 Republicans who are home making vodoo dolls in my likeness. (I hope they don't use red or yellow material, not good colors for me) POLITICAL CONVERSION is not, I repeat not, for the faint of heart. If you have a cardiac condition or take Viagra or Cialis do not try it without consulting your doctor first. And if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours as a result, go directly to an emergency room...

I have managed to convert one Portuguese water dog to a Democrat, and in the good old Mayor Daley tradition will try and get him registered to vote.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Lipstick on a Bulldog or I love hockey?

What struck me most about Sarah Palin's speech is what a fabulous looking middle aged woman Cindy McCain is. Man oh man I wish I looked like her. I think blonds really do have more fun. And money. I also noticed that Rudy Guiliani has put on some weight, probably from all those lucrative speaking engagements. Rudy should take a page out of Jared's playbook and eat Subway sandwiches for a while. I digress, but isn't Sarah's husband a hunk? Whoa baby he's a hottie. If he's the typical Alaskan man I'd suggest single women hightail it up north. I also was struck by the number of black people in the audience; I think it was 3 but it could have been 4 . Wow, Republicans are all white. Oh and also a bit beefy; Subway sandwiches for the entire convention! I'm not a fashonista but some really really bad clothes out there in the audience. Donna Karan or Marc Jacobs to the rescue please!

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, what can I say? You just don't reach me as a woman. But it looked like you were the cat's meow for most of the others in the hall. The "I'm a mom like you" didn't convince me you should be a heartbeat away from the Presidency. I know Alaska is closer to Russia than the rest of the states (I checked a map) but I'm not sure that gives you and Putin a point of departure. I listened carefully and although your delivery style was perky you struck me as more of a goldfish than "barracuda". I believe you are sincere in your adulation of John McCain. Lord knows I wouldn't have lasted 10 minutes in a prison camp, so you're right he is a hero. I apologize to all my girlfriends, but I would have left you all behind and gotten my sorry ass out of Vietnam. I also agree not mentioning the Bush years is a good plan; no sense crying over spilled, spilling and spoiled milk right? Just keep harkening back to Ronald Reagan and bask in the cheering.

Thanks for the "breath of fresh Alaskan air" Sarah... I forgot who said that. Oh and Sarah isn't here to replace Hillary is she? She's the anti-Hillary. Sarah's a Bulldog hockey mom with lipstick or something to that effect. And isn't that all we need in a Vice President...?

Monday, September 1, 2008

Sarah Palin for Ms. Alaska, I mean Vice President

Who?!?! Why? Huh? Excuse me? Sarah Palin is Governor of Alaska? I didn't know that did you? Her last name is pronounced like Eddie Van Halen. I'd personally feel a lot better if it was pronounced like Bob Dylan. Wow this means the Republicans will get all three of Alaska's electoral votes. Always thinking. I hope it brings more attention to the Iditerod because it's a damn exciting race. I better get a Huskie before people flock to the pet stores. I've read that Sarah hunts and fishes. I hope now that she's playing with the big boys she doesn't go hunting with Dick Cheney. But then again she'd have to find him, so never mind.

I guess John McCain didn't know my mother was available for the Vice Presidential spot. She's far more qualified. Mom can send out her resume asap, if he wants to change his mind. Oh, but I guess he wanted to give someone with very little experience a chance; that is really really nice of him . I think he's absolutely right, everyone needs a leg up in the work force. After all President Bush gave "Brownie" one and now John McCain is helping Sarah get a better job. Oh btw, before she was Governor she was Mayor of the tiny, tiny town of Wasilla with a population of less than 7,000. I keep thinking about the inexperience complaint concerning Obama. Whoops, did I say something bad? Before I forget, happy 72nd birthday John McCain. You're right we shouldn't worry about Sarah's ability to become Commander in Chief, she'll have plenty of time for "on the job" training.

Oh, it's a ballsy choice. I assume it's supposed to shore up the Evangelical base and it's disappointing to know they are such an influential base; that really frightens me. I'm just a big fan of the separation of church and state. As for a woman's "right to choose", Sarah's not a big fan, which also disappoints and frightens me. I have my fingers crossed that the women who feel disenfranchised since Hillary Clinton lost the nomination will NOT be seduced by what John McCain has done. Sarah Palin is not the replacement Hillary... I repeat Sara Palin is not the replacement Hillary. I'm sorry you're all sad and truthfully so was I, but MOVE ON, not over to the other party. That's not revenge, it's four more years.