Thursday, March 25, 2010

Queen of One Date Tells All

"Sam, you have to help me!" I cried into the phone.
"What is it babe, try and calm down and tell me what's wrong."
"I don't get it , I've become the "QUEEN OF ONE DATE." Yep I gave myself a new title, "Jewish Princess" was out. Although I liked the promotion to Queen, the rest of it sucked.
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, I think that kind of sums it up. I never get asked on a second date. One date and I'm out. I don't get it, no one calls again. Why? What should I do? Or what can I do?"
"Don't talk," he responded without hesitation.
"Huh?" Was he talking to me or about me?
"Don't talk when you go out with these men. Just listen."
"Let the guy talk his brains out, don't compete with him."
"I don't get it, just sit there like a lump?"
"Just sit there and smile. Or ask a question."
"Ask a question about him. Men like soft and sweet."
"Excuse me?" I think all the blood was rushing dangerously to my head.
"Gail, you don't get it." He was right I was faint, rashy and didn't get it.
"What about a conversation?" I whispered as I began to lose consciousness.
"Men have competition all day in business and don't want it with a woman during down time."
"Is a conversation competition?"
"See how you are? You're challenging me and I'm giving you advice." He was serious. I stepped out onto the patio for air.
"So we're talking about an evening where I'm just smiling and asking my date questions about himself? There's no conversation where two people equally exchange thoughts. Is that what you're saying?"
"That's what I'm saying honey."
"And if I do that I'll get to go on a second date?"
"That's right."
"Well, thanks for the advice," but wasn't sure I really mean it.
"Let me know how it goes."

I laid down on the patio in order not to faint. As I stared up at the dark sky I realized I couldn't follow Sam's advice. Could he really be right? I had to chose a vow of smiling silence or forever maintain my title of "Queen of One Date?" Royalty is so much better than dating.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Being Sandra Bullock

More bad news for the country and I'm not talking about health care, settlements in East Jerusalem, or a surge in Afghanistan. The announcement scrolled across my computer screen and stopped me mid click. Sandra Bullock is leaving her husband Jesse because he's cheated on her. How much more can I take?! Her tattooed boy has been out carousing. Hang on there you randy muscle man, what was wrong with Sandra? And if not Sandra who? I'm wracking my addled brain to come up with hotter and prettier than our little Oscar winner. There's no topping a hottie with a gold statuette in her hand. Cheating on fabulously beautiful women has become epidemic and personally it's detrimental to my mental health. I need a drink and a lot of medication. I haven't yet recovered from the reality of Tiger Woods sneaking around on that beauty queen Elin. She is so pretty it brings tears to my eyes. If Sandra and Elin can't keep their men home what chance do I have? None. Not a shot in hell. I looked in the mirror this morning and the only thing me, Elin and Sandra have in common is ....nothing. Maybe we use the same toothpaste.

What about the wedding vows boys? I had a feeling they weren't for the faint of heart. Those are some serious ass questions with no wiggle room. Everyone just blurts out "I do" and runs for the martini bar. Maybe Tiger and Jesse should have answered, " Hmmm , I'll get back to you" or "what if a hot cocktail waitress wants me?" Even more disturbing is our little beauties Sandra and Elin weren't even sick or in bad health so how hard could it be for the boys to stick around? And doesn't "as long as you both shall live" give you a headache? That's a real toughie for half the population. Let's re-phrase that to say "as long as I want to." This would save lying, legal fees and fist fights over People Magazine and The Enquirer in the grocery store check-out line.

What is it men want? This confuses me more than the health care bill.

Friday, March 12, 2010

"But Mom I am standing up straight" I cried.

Uh oh I'm not standing up straight. My Mom just came to Palm Springs to visit and reminded me of this. "Gail, I was noticing at dinner that you weren't standing up straight. You really should , you look so much prettier when you do." "Yes I was," I insisted as I glared at her. Apparently she either likes to nag me or it's really true because I've been hearing about it for over 50 years. Growing up it used to drive me crazy, "stand up straight" over and over and over. "Ok, ok, I hear you," I'd snip back and then slouch. I never understood why it was such a big deal. And how "straight" is straight enough? This question haunted me. She had eyes like an Eagle. Although she didn't let me shave my legs and to me that was far more noticeable than my posture. "But Mom, I sobbed, everyone shaves their legs....please." I was twelve with hairy legs wearing white anklet socks and party shoes....a really bad look and no one ever asked me to dance. Nope, my lack of dancing didn't matter, it was all about standing up straight.

I've spent years of my life ignoring her words and focusing on shaving my legs, which btw is tiring and really boring after one leg. Truthfully however, I think about posture more and more these days as a doctor friend of mine told me the way to stay youthful looking is to stand up straight. His words struck me , unlike Mom's. Was he onto something? Is that the key? I thought it was a face lift but posture is cheaper. I'm in desperate need of "youthful" and started lifting weights to stregthen my droopy shoulders. I'm trying the least expensive route first but have started a plastic surgery fund with the money I'm saving by not taking the tollway.

Mom's words were discouraging as I was convinced I had resolved my posture issues. I still wasn't standing up straight enough for her and hung my head in despair. It was then like a dream come true she changed the subject, "Gail when was the last time you had your roots done?"

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Help my house is surrounded by the Starbuck's Police!

I'm a heretic. I did something unheard of, veritably blasphemous. I don't think there were any witnesses, although I can't be certain. I had to do it. Regardless of whether or not the economy is getting stonger I'm not. I'm still cheap, and unable to resist a bargain no matter how irreverent. I was in need of coffee and because the little brown beans have taken on religious significance as well as social status I always reach for a pound of Starbucks or Peets. The blends continue to confuse me but I usually pick a country I'd like to visit like Columbia, France, or Kenya and remind myself that buying the mindbendingly expensive roast is cheaper than a plane ticket, but not much. So there I was ready to break the bank for beans when I see a much cheaper option. Oh no, oh no , a brand I've never heard of at $5.99 for 12 ounces - be still my heart.

Does anyone else think coffee drinks have taken over our minds, sanity and wallets? What ever happened to Maxwell House and "good to the last drop?" Mom used to make it every morning and I loved the blue blue can. Who can forget Mrs. Folger regardless of her bad hairdo and pathetic taste in clothes? Personally I loved "Chock Full O'Nuts" or was I nuts? Now it's every man for themselves in the line at Starbucks. I've witnessed the madness and yes paid $7.00 for an espresso. I don't even understand what anyone's ordering. Are they speaking a romance language or Latin? All that comes to my mind is "huh?" Ironically no one is even happy about their order. They're angrily pushing and shoving me aside or sending back a "grande" because they ordered a "vente." I'm thinking they're over-caffeinated before the caffeine. "Excuse me but the Valium line is to the right."

I'm also wondering whether nonfat whip cream is an oxymoron? Have the real stuff for God's sake , it's all fattening. I love the order of "grande, but a little less than "grande" with latte but not too latte, half steamed, half air, half nonfat, half mocha and that's "to go." Personally I think it's all the same drink. I bought the coffee for $5.99. I'm richer but a dubious trendsetter. I stare at the cheap little bag of beans and realize I'm not ready or determined enough to buy the sad little beans again.   I am still convinced however, it's all the same drink.