Friday, June 27, 2008

Oprah and the Way-Back machine

Past lives my ass. Nope sorry, don't buy it. Oprah you don't have me this time. And what's up with you anyway? No sooner did you present Ekhart Tolle and his living in the moment, than you hand over Dr. Brian Weiss who wants us to go back, back, back, to a former life. Present or past , for God's sake stick to a time frame. I'm in nowheresville at the moment. Wanna join me? Oh, btw what happened with the food group free diet? Wasn't that supposed to purge our souls and colon? Got butter again? I could never do that regimen; a life without carbohydrates and candy isn't a life worth living. Hear that Mr. Tolle, I am focused and in the moment.

I refuse to get in the "way-back" machine with Dr. Weiss. Hmmmmmmmmm. Cartoons can have a lasting impression. Mr. Peabody really was a pioneer. The good doctor thinks we can resolve fears by exploring past lives to see what scared the crap out of us that we've brought into the present. Yada yada yada. And oy! I'm certain I was previously a char woman . Why else would I now be so skilled at cleaning the bathroom? Sorry Doc, fear of "Scrubbing Bubbles" is not what's coming between me and happiness...on second thought if I agree to go back with you can I be the Queen Mother?

Oprah and Dr. Weiss I sure as hell hope I don't have a life after this one. It's been as much as I could handle and I'm exhausted. Besides, I don't have time for past life exploration and can't afford the gas.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Whoa, Mom's in rehab!

My mother is not a drug abuser. Unless you count Metamucil, Senokot, oh and the newest addition Konsyl. Wow Mom's pretty constipated... but not drug addicted. Btw she'd love to discuss this with you, so give her a call and get me off the hook. Please! It's not Mom with a drug problem , it's the Baby Boomer women. According to The National Institute on Drug Abuse we are becoming a disturbingly large group of druggies. Generation X, your Moms are in re-hab! Whoa girls, slow down... apparently you're not playing with our old hippy drugs like LSD, pot, and hash, but methamphetamines, crack cocaine and opiates. They will fuck you up!

What happened to us ex-hippy chicks? For starters we've had to become men, which is not what my Girl Scout leader meant when she said "be prepared". She should have qualified the sentence. "Girls, be prepared to have a high paying career, get married, have children, give up career, go through a hideous emotionally devastating divorce, share the children but not the money, hope you can get re-hired in the work force without Botox or a face lift to make you look younger, and remain in a good mood. Pass the pipe.

Get it National Institute on Drug Abuse?! Getting through the day and our lives isn't easy. This is why we've become an ever rising statistic. I like to drink. It's a big help. Red wine at 5:00p.m. and Metamucil at 10:00. I don't need to talk about it however, so don't call me.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Viagra, trick or treat?

Girls, girls, girls, and I'm talkin' to you cuties under 35, there are storm clouds looming on the horizon. I just heard that underage Viagra use is on the rise. Oy! Men in their 30s are popping the blue M&Ms. What are they thinking? Are you boys sneaking into dad's stash? Come on now the pills are for your poor old father trying to keep his sex drive alive not 30 year old testosterone machines. If you can't get it up at your age see a shrink , don't steal from dad. What's goin' on out there?

Rumor has it women have caused this early rush to the medicine cabinet. Apparently the youngsters are feeling threatened. Bummer. It seems the girls raised by " baby boomer" mothers are strong, career driven, financially, socially and uh oh , sexually secure. And voila the boys have performance anxiety. But let's stay calm. Don't dive for the drugs just yet. Men, I don't get why you don't love these women to pieces. They earn a shit load of money and want sex; sounds like a dream come true. Don't be nervous, be brave...and happy . I wish my mother had raised me that way instead of my having to desperately find a career and earn a living after a failed marriage. Very bad preparation Mom . I'm sure I didn't threaten any man's ego, but then again I was poor with no job. I wreaked of "help , come save me"! I guess that's arousing.

"Step away from the medicine cabinet and put the Viagra down boys". Dad needs it not you. Save the meds for the golden years when the old prostate's acting up and nothing works. Besides the little pills are expensive; a lifetime of Viagra could deprive one of your kids of a college education.

Monday, June 16, 2008

"Like a virgin, again"

Who wants to be a virgin? Again. Sounds like a new reality game show doesn't it? Anyone anxious to be a contestant? How about one of those left over "bachlorettes"? Or rejected American Idols? Wow what a prize this time around... your virginity back. Here's a little pin with "Virgin Again" on it for your efforts. And I was afraid of becoming a BL (bag lady), being a VA might be scarier. "Intimate surgery" as they politely call it, or hyman repair, is on the rise, and not just for Muslim women who risk death for pre-marital sex. (Now those girls should rush to their nearest fix it shop, as I wouldn't want a posse of male family members chasing me down with stones or guns). I read women are having their virginity restored as a Valentine's Day present for their husbands. HUH? And why, why, why? Is there a Hallmark card for this?

I'm miffed. I think money for elective surgery is better spent on your face. Virginity is not a gift that keeps on giving like a face lift. I just lost my period, I don't want to put out an "a.p.b." for my virginity. Come on, the first time isn't fun, just a milestone; a story to laugh about with your girlfriends when you're shit faced. Besides, now I'd have to consider my expensive Frette bedding, instead of a leaky water bed or sleeping bag. Ixnay to being a VA. Keep the pin.

And men, why would you even want a virgin? Let me know asap. I believe in the test drive... many, many test drives. A lifetime of a bad lover for a virgin... who wants to be the first contestant?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Say "goodnight" Hillary

I want to make it official, "good-bye" Hillary Clinton and thanks for trying to be President. Whew! It was exhausting watching you. I sure welcome a break. You must be sleeping a lot now. I'd cut back on the calories however, as I read about all the high carbo/fatty foods you had to eat to be popular . Barack seemed able to dodge the cheesesteaks but then again he lost Pennsylvnia. I'd say it's not worth it just to be leader of the free world. You'd have to spend the first term losing weight; no easy task as you get older. I'm sure you're disappointed but I hope you don't spend too much time being sad or depressed . It's a crappy job. The perks like Air Force 1 are pretty great, but as for trying to repair the last eight years...forget it girl, get some rest and let Barack age 40 years in four. I'd lobby to be a Supreme Court Justice; they look very well rested, have a short work schedule and are really rich.

So Bye-Bye! And sorry. I'd like to believe we hardly got to know you, but I suspect the problem was we knew you too well. I'd still love to hear the nitty gritty about your relationship with Bill. How about a "tell all" after you catch up on sleep. It would definitely be a best seller and I bet you could use the cash. Hillary, as a fellow member of the 70s women's movement I want to thank you for your strength, tenacity, and courage to test the political waters! I'm convinced there will be a woman President someday. As for me, I finally had to buy a bra; thank you gravity.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Sex and the elephant

Watch out for the elephant! You know that big old creature in the living room called, "we never have sex". Well girls I read in the New York Times the bar has been re-set from "never" to 365 and 101 days in a row, thanks respectively to Brad and Charla Muller and Doug and Annie Brown. Is "thanks" the word I'm searching for? Hey don't look at me, I've learned to walk and clean around the big guy. But what better way to perk up the marriage than "I think we should have sex every night for a year... if that's good for you". Annie opted for a consecutive 101 but regardless, I think we have an Olympic event here. Can you say 2020 Winter Games?

I admit I would never have thought of their solution to shooing the creature out of the room. Divorce was my answer to pest control. And there's the Elliot Spitzer school of marriage counseling which is popular but budget wrenching. Why not eliminate costly therapy and take on marital sexual ennui like an aoerbics or spinning class?! After all exercise is good for you. Oprah are you in?

Wow! is my response . Brenda and Annie you're kick ass wives. I read the average couple has sex 66 times a year and I'm still sitting here pondering if that seems like too much or too little....then again I don't mind taking care of two dogs, a horse and an elephant.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

When the rich get fat or "pass the Oreos"

Holy cow Batman! How could this happen? The sky must be falling. Hell must have frozen over! I just read in the New York Times the rich are getting fat from stress. Net worths have slipped from nine figures to eight! Ouch babe, that would freak me out too. Hand over the Oreos, this is a crisis. I can't imagine what it must be like to cut back on jewelry. "Harry Winston I love your diamonds but this is good-bye. The Shoe Discount Warehouse doesn't carry copy-down Manolos do they? Oh God, the beautiful blond streaks cost $350 a not the blond streaks"! Who could go back to "single process" without bursting into tears? It gets worse ... chartered jets instead of private; like a dagger in the heart. Kiss the Gulfstream bye-bye and say hello to lowly Beech and Learjets. "No, no, please, not the art budget, take my Mercedes but not my Picasso"! I NEED A KLEENEX BREAK!

I almost forgot, what about the trophy wives? Will they stay? Are they calling lawyers before eight figures becomes seven? This is a real test of their love isn't it rich guys? Feel like a couple of Oreos? Come on cheer up, just take on a huge amount of debt to cover your tracks because I don't think trophy girls sign up for fortune reversal. I suggest you keep it very, very quiet. This could however, be good times for divorce attorneys. Whoops, did I say that? I bet your marriage is just fine; she loved you regardless of the 30 year age difference. I hope you had a lot in common... besides "soup". Of course she'll sell the second house in Aspen and go back to work. Put the cookies down.

Take it from me, a stressed out poor person, gaining weight won't solve anything. I know nothing says "I love you" like a Hostess Cupcake but that is followed immediately by self loathing. I wish I could say "I feel your pain" but I can't. I've never seen 9 figures become 8. I've seen 6 become 5 and then 4. Wanna trade for a Twinkie?

Monday, June 2, 2008

Don't cry for me Carrie Bradshaw

Should I be a bitch and ruin the ending? I saw "Sex and the City". Although I'm sure all the "junkies" like me have also. I was salivating in line at 7:25 p.m. two cosmopolitans under waiting for my fix. CARRIE, I'm dying out here... do you marry the guy? How long can you keep me waiting...I'm an addict. (Btw, it is the chickiest of chick flicks; do not bring a date)! I had my fingers crossed for her and assumed if the movie went according to childhood fairy tales she would get her prince. Right Mom? And Mom, in hindsight I wish we had cuddled up with "The Denial of Death" and "The Bell Jar"; much better preparation for the future. The Prince Charming myth has got to go. Have they banned "Cinderalla" from little girl's reading lists yet? If the Religious Right really wanted to rid the culture of immoral literature they should head for the fairy tale section of the library and leave "Catcher in the Rye" alone. Little girls everywhere listen up... there are just not enough Mr. Bigs to go around. The gene pool is small and they're not in the Neiman's Christmas catalogue.

I was trained to find a prince. Lucky me. I hope I'm a dying breed. Jewish Princess boot camp was not a reality based plan. Oh,it wasn't rigorous ...unless shopping tires you out or trips to the dressmaker are stressful. I didn't have to learn to make the bed, or do laundry. Ironing?...never. Cooking wasn't on the roster, nor was cleaning. There was no discussion of a career; supporting yourself was a huge "no, no". Then poof! like a dream come true Prince Charming would appear with his giant check book and save the's over. I get a maid and Dad is off the financial hook. I failed Princess 101, twice. Mom, I wish I had learned to change the oil, and use jumper cables.

I will reveal Carrie and I came to different ends. A few generations behind me, she at least had a career, although I doubt she can jump start a car. Proudly I now can check the oil, and know what jumper cables look like. I feel less shaky having gotten my "Sex and the City" fix . Sadly I left the movie with the realization that I need more shoes. Can you change the oil in high heels?