Monday, August 5, 2019

INSANITY, Brought to You by Godaddy

Help! I need a Techno Prince Charming to come to my rescue. I'm weak, confused, dazed, and downright numb. My life has been turned upside down because Godaddy wreaked havoc on my web-site. Havoc I say! It wasn't my fault that my web-site now displays a sign that roughly reads..."enter and die or be struck by lightening."  How could this happen to poor little innocent moi at this point in my life?  I already have sleeping issues and now it looks like I may never close my eyes again as I have been up talking to a Godaddy rep every night since last Thursday. I know Joe, Antonio, Cliff, Mic, Nick, and Mike who made promises like knights in shining armor that they would have the heinous signs on my site down within hours.  "Liar liar pants on fire," to the whole bunch.  It sounded simple, easy, no problema; I believed all of them .  I've gone through a box of Kleenex sobbing as I struggle to dial Godaddy for the 12th time in 4 days. I resist the urge to throw my laptop out the window. Bye-bye little crazy making machine I'm moving to a tree house with no internet access.

 Life was so simple before I talked to the evil Ann at Godaddy who never warned me of the dangers that lay ahead.  Ann, you bitch the sin of omission is on you.  Destroy a male caller, not a fellow woman!  Innocently and to save $79.95 I thought I didn't need an SSL certificate on my web-site and asked her to cancel it.  I actually had no idea what it was , just the price.  According to Joe, Antonio, Mic, Mike, and Cliff she should have told me of the dire consequences of cancelling, but alas no such words. She began my journey into the land of the technologically insane!  Warnings everywhere on my site to stay away or else die a painful techno death.  Thus began my non-stop calls morning, noon, and half the night to Godaddy.  Empty promises of a fix lead to three glasses of wine and a Valium to calm my jangled nerves.  Now I need rehab, not a web-site.

I hate technology and remember lovingly the click clack of my typewriter keys and the messy carbon paper that got all over my hands and clothes. I would scream, crumple it into a ball and throw it across the room because I couldn't line it up with the paper correctly. So simple and weren't those the halcyon days?  I had my little bottle of white-out that I could never apply thinly enough so I had a big blob over my typo. This brings tears of joy to my eyes.  My typewriter was too big to take to Starbucks, but I didn't care. I could manually line up margins and set tabs, no SSL certificate and Goddaddy employees to make a fool of me or drive me to drink at 10:00 a.m. 

Techno Prince, if you're out there, call me.  Or better yet a good therapist.

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Sex Over Sixty - Hot or Not?

I almost caused my friend Dee to die of fright.  I told her all the men I date (over sixty) definitely want to have sex. "No!" she cried out. "I'm sorry hon but men no matter how old never stop thinking about sex."  I think it fills the largest portion of their brain no matter how ancient the gray matter. It appears to be a lifetime preoccupation.  Poor Dee it was like super stressful "Breaking News" and I pictured her stumbling to her knees clutching her chest.  In a weakened voice she mumbled "but what about cuddling, holding hands, and best friends" which I interpreted as delusional, wishful thinking and in a galaxy far far away.  

 It's true cuddling is nice but I have not met a male who would trade sex for a cuddle. I once witnessed a man at least 90  teetering on his bar stool barely able to lift up his head,  winking and crooking his finger at women who walked by.  I mistakenly thought he was having a seizure but the waitress assured me he was fine and sat in that exact spot every night trying to hook up. The ick factor was so great I had to leave or stick pins in my eyes. 

My friend Rick likes to call sex over sixty "senior citizen sex" which by definition is accurate but makes me want to re-claim my virginity.  Which begs my wondering if that's possible after enough sexless years have passed. It's tempting isn't it? Ah  to be a virgin again sounds like a place to hide from old guys with sagging balls. "And yes big guy they sag just like breasts."  You see it's not that women don't want to have sex with men over sixty it's just that the idea doesn't fill our every waking moment, or depending on the man any moment.  It's tough out there in my man land to find a hand to hold, a good cuddle, a new best friend, no less a hot sex life.

Now about virginity...

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Mother of the Groom Seeks Shopping Therapist

Help me! Do it quick as I am running out of time and endurance. My shopping tolerance meter is dropping as fast as my blood pressure is rising trying to find a dress for my son's wedding. Yes, I am finally Mother of the groom. And thankfully before they would have to wheel me down the aisle or bring me in a nice vase.  Is there appropriate clothing for this role? Dressy but not too dressy so as not to upstage the bride? To me dressing up is high heels with jeans, so I am feeling pressured and also doomed.  My future daughter-in-law sent me a Pinterest board. Is that a party game about the British playwright?  If not, I am confused with nothing to wear.

I have called in Emily and Karen,the big shopping guns on respective coasts to give me the full frontal fashion outlook.  Sadly these two specialists feel the Spring styles are a throw back to the days of "Little House on the Prairie." Blousey, flowery, and gingham are not a good look for anyone unless you actually have a little house on the prairie.  I felt sweaty and noticed a very unattractive rash spreading across my nose as my coping skills had hit the wall.  I had tried to venture forth alone into the vast wasteland of Bloomingdales but briefly lost consciousness when a flowered dress got stuck pulling it over my head.  

Karen and I searched all the on-line sites but zippo that wouldn't make me look like a giant Geranium. With the days drawing closer and my nerves jangled, I stopped in a neighborhood bar for the sustenance wine provides. At that moment the gods of shopping magically appeared and smiled upon my sorry ass.  Next door to the bar was a boutique that seemed to call out to me..."Gail come in asap and bring your high limit VISA card."  As if in a trance I crossed the threshold and sales person Vanessa, like Glenda the Good Witch, listened to my tale of dress desperation  (and also told me what to put on my rash), but more importantly made me try on a dress.  I was resistant remembering what happened at Bloomingdales but she was enthusiastic and looked strong.  Voila perfection!  I found it, no more searching, crying, sweating , and mixing wine with Valium.
The Mother of the Groom dress was mine.  

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

The Mad Texter Found Me

Is anyone else sick and tired of texting?  What is so freaking hard about holding a phone up to your ear and talking into it?  Is it too heavy?  Did you lose your voice along with your car keys and glasses?  Texting has become a life style.  I refuse to devote my waking hours to answering text messages.  I hate engaging in entire conversations via my thumbs.  Aside from all the typos and the fact that I can hardly see the teeny tiny keys (which almost makes my brain explode), I want to look up, not stare down at the key board.  Use voice texting you say?  Whoever is in my phone makes more errors than I do and is not a good listener.

Ironically, or via my bad date karma I met someone on that brought texting to a whole new level.  A level which only exists in the matrix or hell.  After reading his profile I thought he might be someone worth pursuing.  We picked a time and place to meet for coffee and exchanged phone numbers in case one of us was late or had to cancel at the last minute.  Reasonable planning if you're not "The Profligate Texter."  It was as if I said "ready, set, text!" Non-stop all day and most of the night I heard ping, ping, ping from my phone.  Words, pictures and links bombarded me.  Every thought he had or movement he made generated a text.  At first I was polite and answered, which was a very bad idea as then the texts came faster and faster.  Is this normal now? Or was I living in the techno dark ages?  I thought about throwing my phone at the wall or giving it to a priest to perform an exorcism. Finally I texted him that I was spent, exhausted, practically unconscious and could not keep up with his warp speed.  I desperately needed a time-out, a moment to remember verbalizing. 

 After one cup of coffee I realized we were as mismatched in person as in text messages.  I texted him good-bye, got up and left.

Thursday, April 4, 2019

                  Ass Kickin’ Women

These women kick ass!  Kickin’ some ass to join the Marine Corps. Holy moly what they have to go through on Paris Island South Carolina brings tears to my eyes…tears of fear. It is the only place in the country where women become Marines who can serve in combat.  I think they have special genes as mine would be screaming “Stop, turn back, go to Neimans.”  The training is not for the faint of heart, or needing their therapist on speed dial.  One call home and that’s it, poof(!) cut off from the outside world until the day before graduation.  I would hold my breath and turn blue right after that call.  No email access which gives me a rash just thinking about it.  I need to text, Instagram, FB, Snap Chat, Tweet, and change my profile picture!   There is one piece of good news, I could pass the initial physical fitness test.  Yes siree all those gym days have paid off: 15 push-ups, or one pull up (that’s still a little iffy), 44 crunches (?) 1.5 mile in under 15:00 (if my left leg doesn’t fall off).  There is hope on the dating front as there are 750-1000 women and 2,850 men.  Better odds than on I’d say. 

The typical day is a real downer for me however as it starts at 4 a.m. What is 4 a.m.?  There is no mention of your own bathroom which is really a “must have” on my planet. None of those nasty haircuts for the women which is a big relief but do they have a good colorist I wonder?  Uh oh trouble is on the horizon no matter what my hair looks like.

“The Crucible” looms large – a 54 hour marathon of physical and emotional endurance that tests every cell in your body.  I am dripping in sweat writing about it.  The test of all the training and I cannot even remember my name at this point.   Here goes so be strong :  long hikes day and night, climbing ropes, figuring out how to get the last person over a plywood wall and crawling through thick mud while pushing boxes of ammunition under barbed wire as they blast battle sounds.  Is anyone thinking they can do this no problema because there is MORE.

“Noonan’s Evacuation” a mock rescue based on a real evacuation that took place in Vietnam.  The recruits have to tend to and evacuate their wounded and dead while receiving simulated rounds of sniper fire.  I think I just fainted. 

Exhausted and blistered (no pedicure, or big spa day) they receive the coveted Eagle, Globe and Anchor insignia.  I admit I am dehydrated, hallucinating, covered in hives and terrified reading about these women and yet want to thank every last one of them. 

You kick some serious ass!