I am a porn star. Yes, it’s true. And I have proof. Ironically I have never watched porn in my life, nor been in a porn film. Yet, my star status continues to climb. There are, according to Google approximately 42,000 porn sites and I have not clicked on any of them. The U.S. pornography industry is 8 billion strong and yet I am not part of that statistic. However, unbeknownst to me my stardom rose exponentially during Covid. While I was home hiding from humans and bathing in Purell, I was becoming a porn queen via my YouTube channel Gail Forrest. Without knowing it I had 11K views on my video “The Bl*w Job- It’s a Job with Hazards” and 124,650K views on “A Tale of Two Blow Jobs.” Unwitting and new to the mega porn industry I became a rising star and here’s why.
Before Covid
I was doing open mics in LA and Palm Desert CA and surrounded by young male
comics. Not only was I the oldest comic
in the room and felt grateful no one called me “Nana,” I was also usually the
only female in the group. And how those
boys loved to get up and talk about their genitals. Dicks, dicks, dicks, that was their favorite
“go to” funny stuff. Truthfully rarely
funny. It was boring yet eye opening for
this old girl comic.
It
dawned on me that there is another side to this subject about which I haven’t
heard much…the female point of view (pun intended) of what it’s like to be up
close and very very personal with the aforementioned genitals! I put my brain to
work and thought about what’s possible when down in the “blow job zone”. What could go wrong? What is it really like for a woman? I had heard enough of the male version and
felt it was time for a female comedian to speak up.
Unfortunately
Covid arrived before I could put an act together and tell the female flipside.
Damn. But together with my former Second
City stand up teacher I started to do stand up sitting down. Hmmm, now what were my list of
complaints/problems down there in the “zone”?
For starters I believe Jewish women get a bad rap as blow job haters
when I am certain it’s non-sectarian.
The consequences can happen to any religious persuasion. Here is my list and granted you may have more
to add so let me know. As for the blow
job lovers…bless you!
1. It’s humid down there – makes for a
very bad hair day
2. Your mascara drips all over your face
3. You can lose an earring and never
find it
4. Smeared lipstick and you come up
looking like the Joker
5. Chip a nail – not likely but possible
6. Your necklace gets caught and you are
down there far longer than expected or forever
7. TMJ issues flare up – costly trip to
the dentist
8. Pull a muscle and then no yoga class
for a week
9. Cannot multi-task – no texting,
answering a text, or returning a call
1. Miss
a week of your favorite TV show
1 It's boring and you didn’t bring a book or your iphone
1 They
don’t call it a job for nothing! Should we unionize?
I put this bit on YouTube and called it “The Bl*w Job- It’s a Job with Hazards.” At the same time I added the same blow job schtick to a stand up piece I had already done about catching my 90 yr. old Dad watching porn. I swear it’s true. I performed it many times but thought adding my complaint list at an opportune moment – which there was - would make it funnier. So I put it in the piece and we filmed a brand new routine. I changed the title to “A Tale of Two Blow Jobs.” I liked the literary reference but I am certain that’s not what drove the viewership.
I had uploaded videos to my YouTube channel during the long days of Covid but never checked or paid attention to what was going on. Nine months earlier I had 32 subscribers , only one video with over 500 views and a few with twelve. When I finally took a good hard look in April 2021, I had over 331 subscribers and “A Tale of Two Blow Jobs” and “The Bl*ow Job – It’s a Job with Hazards” had crazy big numbers that shocked the shit out of me. What the hell happened? I was stunned, and incredulous.
I decided to check the analytics to see what was going on. As it turns out 96% of my viewers are men on the “porn(?)” videos. This did not surprise me. What was surprising to me, but not my therapist, was that 54.3% are men over 65! He mentioned they were probably not getting any blow job action anymore so looking for some fun on the internet– sorry guys. 35.1% are men between 55 and 64 and 0.1% are men 25-34. The average stay on each video was approx. 2 minutes which meant not many watched them until the end which hurt my feelings until I read 2.08 minutes is the usual length of stay on porn videos. I felt better, but also knew men were looking for real porn and my title is a tale of not one but TWO blow jobs which could make someone think it would be hot, sweaty and provide a few minutes of entertainment, or as needed …
So I just want to take a moment to thank men over sixty five for making me a porn queen. I definitely owe you, but not a blow job
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