Saturday, December 30, 2017

The Force Wasn't With Me

My dating life has become a Star Wars movie. After vowing to go it alone and to hell with dating sites, I broke. I was weak, hypoglycemic, and concerned Advil PM was affecting my waking life when it was as if Darth Vadar called to me , "Gail you will never meet anyone in the vegetable aisle at Whole Foods.  Real men are at the meat counter.  You're a vegetarian.  You're not blond so no bars for you.  No one talks to brunettes.  Millions of single men are on the internet waiting for you. Come... come over to"  The Force wasn't with me. It was night time and a full moon. I was spooked.  With a glass of Cabernet in my  hand and feeling a little sweaty I clicked "join".

I admit a teeny tiny part of me was optimistic.  Maybe this round I would get asked on a second date? I secretly relish my "Queen of One Date" status but it takes a toll on my ego.  I had just arrived in Palm Desert Ca for the winter and my best friend Ron put strict parameters on my decision to internet date.  He promised to parse the profiles with me and get to the bottom of what men were really saying.  He would break through the typical and delusional words like "cuddling, openness, soul mate, beach walking and sitting by the fire."  I was dazed by his code cracking as he ixnayed profile after profile. I realized however,  with Ron at the helm of my dating life I would be home a lot.

I was crafty and unbeknownst to him sneaked into internet dating land alone.  I quickly made coffee plans with a formerly gay man.  Yes, I am serious.  His husband of 40 years had died and now he was looking to meet a woman.  I read his profile 3 times before it really sunk in, but then a light bulb went off in my head.  What fun, maybe he  would love to shop or get Botox with me.  Could this be a man who wouldn't pressure me into sex or even want to have sex? I was stereotyping and ashamed, but hopeful.  He suggested we meet at 9:30 a.m  for coffee which isn't an hour I resemble human form.  Do people date at this hour?  I prefer less sunlight at my age. He was nice, witty and cute but appeared to still be grieving the loss of his mate. Of course I asked him the obvious question as it was burning a hole in my brain...why women? He responded that he had a girlfriend or two before he met his husband and wanted to explore that  path again.  I stared, he finished his coffee.  I concluded he would be fun to hang out with but I didn't think up for Botox, shoe shopping, or me.  I was definitely not sorry I put on make-up and clean clothes to meet him but vowed to never again go on a date at 9:30 a.m.

I met date 2 at a restaurant for a drink at 6:00. This is a better time of day for a first date as less sunlight becomes me.  I foolishly thought a glass of wine at this hour would beg an appetizer so did not eat earlier.  I was wrong as every time the waitress asked us if we wanted something to eat my internet man said to come back.  She kept returning and he kept sending her away. "Wait I'm hungry" I wanted to scream but the alcohol had affected my ability to react and talk. Cabernet is not a food group. I am not sure I spoke the rest of the evening as remaining conscious became a chore.  I appeared a good listener as he lectured me on what it means to be a Libertarian but actually I had dozed off.  The saddest moment came when the waitress gave up and took our bar menus away. I held back tears.  In hindsight I should have ordered for myself or joined the table in the corner.

"Ron, forgive me.  I didn't know what I was doing when I ventured forth into the internet manscape without your profile wisdom.  I'm back, I'm humbled, and in search of appetizers."