Monday, September 28, 2009

Why did I burn my bras?

There's been an anthropological switcheroo! I just read according to the General Social Survey, which has tracked Americans' moods since 1972 women are getting sadder and men happier.  What happened? Why, why, why are we gloomy?  We fought so hard for liberation, please tell me we didn't burn all those bras in vain? Bras are so expensive now what was I thinking. More importantly, why did we want to become men when they never signed up to be more like women? That was probably a mistake. We've morphed into a new combination species. It's exhausting to be a man and woman simultaneously which is probably why we're down in the dumps. Instead of just cooking, cleaning, and raising children like our mothers.... we now go to work eight hours a day, cook, clean, and raise children. Wait, did I mention trying to keep a marriage or relationship on track also? Whew, I'm sweaty, exhausted and yes, too tired to have sex.

Men, on the other hand, seem to be happy with this switcheroo. Just a reminder however; separating the colored and white clothing really is essential , as pink, orange and light blue aren't a fun surprise with a brown skirt. But pedicures sure are nice aren't they? I want one too, but just can't find the time. I have friends I never see, older parents who need a ride to yet another doctor's appointment, a limping dog, aging horse, no food in the refrigerator, a tooth my dentist wants to yank, a $5,000 medical deductible, and a neck that's sinking faster than I am.

Wait a sec, a new neck and jawline would make me happy, but I'd have to work to 115 to afford it. Crap. Maybe buying some bras will perk me up. And can someone remind me why I ever set the old ones on fire?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Ask Gail Maria...almost anything.

Dear Gail Maria:
I like my boyfriend John but, to be honest, I'm much more intelligent than he is. He only went through high school and doesn't read much. Our conversations are stifled and at times he makes me uncomfortable in front of my friends. What should I do?
Miffed Michele

Dear Miffed:
I totally feel your pain. I'm smarter than most men also. Even ones that finished high school and college aren't necessarily intelligent. Perhaps it's because they think more about sex than culture. You know, the little brain/big brain dichotomy. That teenie weenie brain of theirs doesn't like to read or carry on an interesting conversation, if you catch my drift. As for making you uncomfortable in front of your friends, who I'm assuming are highly intelligent women, I say INTERRUPT him every chance you can. Trust me no one will notice. You might be hard pressed to find a man who meets your intellectual standards so I say hang in there and talk about transmission fluid or lawn mowers.
Gail Maria

Dear Gail Maria:
I need help! My life sucks - I'm aging (if not already aged), I'm in a relationship where I'm making the most money, I haven't had a vacation in 3 years and my dog doesn't love me anymore. Any advice?
Best regards,
Unlucky Lucy

Dear Unlucky:
Your life seems like a good old country western song. I can hear Reba McEntire singing about it now and you might want to write to her also. First of all girlie trust me I know what it's like to age and it sucks, so you have reason to be concerned. And Lordy, Lordy if you're making more money than your man I say head for the hills. Who needs him if you're bringing in all the cash? Get out while you have any elasticity left in your skin! If he expects you to have sex too...smack him. As for your vacationless 3 years and a dog who doesn't love you...pack up asap and take the pooch. Relaxing on a pearlie white beach will be a good time for the two of you to re-bond. Run sister, run!
Gail Maria

Dear Gail Maria:
I recently went out with a woman who I was only mildly attracted to. We ended up having sex. When I left she asked when we would see each other again, and so I felt pressured to make another date. The truth is however, that I was stupid to have had sex in the first place because I didn't really like her. It was casual and I should never have let it happen. Now I want to break the date, but worry about hurting her feelings. Should I be honest and cancel or go and then tell her? Looking for your guidance.
Awkward in Ann Arbor

Dear Awkward:
Ouch babe! When will men ever learn that for women it's not casual, it's personal. "PERSONAL" I say. Casual sex has been out since the last time you took a hit off a hash pipe. Poor dear. Well, at least you got the "stupid" part right...yes you were. Next time turn your horny wayward thoughts to baseball or a new power washer from Home Depot. As for the date, break it. So much better than the hideous moment you mention to her during dessert, as she's eating a yummy creme brulee that you're not interested in a relationship and she has to spit it out or choke it down . Nasty either way and risky unless you have a reliable dry cleaner. I suggest next time you click your Cole Hahns together and say "there's no such thing as casual sex, there's no such thing as casual sex".
Gail Maria

Friday, September 18, 2009

Bad Date Hall of Fame Awards

I have a Bad Date Hall of Fame, aka my personal pantheon of duds.  I'm not happy to make this announcement as obviously it means I had a really crappy time and wasted a perfectly good evening I could have spent with a box of Raisinettes watching "America's Got Talent". I don't hold a yearly induction ceremony, but sometimes it is quite a struggle determining who will raise up the "best bad date statue" on December 31st. Sadly there's usually a runner-up candidate, and as a safety net a third runner up, so my voting can go right down to the wire.  One year there was a man I fondly referred to as Hannibal Lecter, but I still had my liver, so he didn't make the final cut. He tried so hard to win but only one prize per year.

I'd like to remind my new inductee that women have been given the right to vote. There have been 3 women Secretaries of State, 1 Speaker of the House,1 Oprah, 3 Supreme Court Justices, 1 President of Harvard , catch my drift? The best advice to my dud date is to let the woman you're out with speak. We are a legitimate gender and can kick some serious ass.

I met my award winning date at a bar for a drink and from the moment I arrived he did not stop talking. Yap, yap, yap, yap and not about politics, sports, movies, or even weather, which would have been comic relief and perhaps interesting. His favorite subject was himself. Ironically, a movie did come to mind "My Dinner with Andre". Andre Gregory wove tales of his adventures both spiritual and real while Wallace Shawn sat at dinner and listened. His life journey was mesmerizing and the time flew as he talked. That was not my evening. It didn't even seem to matter if I was there. I began to wonder if I was. Didn't he notice I had not said a word for two hours and btw it felt like six. You know you are having a really bad time if fainting becomes a reasonable option as a way to end the evening. I thought about screaming "just shut up" at the top of my lungs, I thought about it a lot. I realized however, as I listened to the life story of every single boring family member, why bother straining my voice, as someday I might go on a date where I needed it. When the bartender brought the final bill I ripped my half out of my wallet, said thank you and ran to my car. Maybe "America's Got Talent" was still on and I had Raisinettes.

"Mr. I'm So Interesting" congratulations you won.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Relationship "Deal Breakers" or Living Alone

Let's face it boys and girls we all have relationship "deal breakers", either in the form of a laundry list or one teenie weenie idiosyncratic thing about another person that drives us craaaaazy! Oh I know it's hard to confess but let's be's true. Sadly, I probably have more deal breakers than years left. My buddy Gary recently told me how he narrows down his prospective mates. Smokers are out, out, out, even those trying to quit. Ixnay to anyone bearing cigarettes, nicotene patches, or anything that emits smoke. Ok, I can relate. He lost me on the toilet paper and paper towel criteria...whoa G. that's a toughie for some poor unsuspecting date just trying to help out around the house. Does she put the paper on the roll so it comes off the top or bottom!!? Wow, never gave that a thought. Top is the correct answer! Interesting, but he'll be alone. Although personally I like the paper to come from the bottom. Hmmmmm. Nope, my list is too long already. As for which way shirts face on the hangers...I suggest Gary seek counseling immediately.

I confess I'm a laundry list dater. Bad shoes are a big no-no in my book. My shoe scrutinizing eyes go right to some poor guys feet. I'm from the loafer/top sider days and I'm stickin' to it. Oh and absolutely no sandals; that's the worst. I don't care if it's 120 degrees outside, shoes baby shoes! Now for the nitty gritty...if you own anything that ticks, destroy it or don't call. Have an over head fan that whirs too loud and incessantly, you're out. One snore, no matter how faint and we can say good-bye at 3:00 a.m. Shhhhhhhh. And I'm tired of talkng about politics, blah, blah, blah, no political opinions welcome....gone fishing....closed for business until much further notice. I don't go on many dates.

Ok, I confessed and obviously I'll end up alone. Now send me your "deal breakers" .... I won't tell.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Call 911 and get a husband!

"What would you do if you found me face down on the bathroom floor"?

A 68 yr.old man I was dating asked me this over a perfectly nice glass of Cabernet. Whoa, talk about ruining a moment and my next sip. I could have spit it out and I hate wasting wine. As for his question..."huh", was my first and probably best response. "What would you do if you found me face down on the bathroom floor", he repeated. Why not the kitchen, I pondered? It suddenly hit me, he was serious and there was probably a right answer. Oh Lord was this a test of my emergency medical skills or a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL? Did I want to marry him and could I get him off the floor in time for the Justice of the Peace to arrive before his lawyer with a pre-nup?! Crap. "Ummmmm", I stalled for time , composure and another glass of wine.

Then it dawned on me. Duh! This is how men over 60 propose. If you answer right you get the ring! Fear of commitment has been replaced by fear of "face down". Wow, talk about a light bulb moment. Rick a 65 year old man I met told me he was "sick, sick, sick" of dating. He didn't want to spend another moment alone....37years was enough. He was ready to marry for the fourth time , hell bent from the tone of his voice. Hang on there little buddy, after 37 years of dating, why now? Could it be fear of "face down"? Think of how many men are out there living in terror! If you have any nursing skills/instincts or know CPR now is the time to find a husband. And if you want Rick's phone number let me know. Fyi his 3rd marriage lasted 9 days.

I answered the "face down" question incorrectly so I'm still unmarried..."Call a travel agent" was funny but not the response he was looking for. I can only deduce "dial 911 and administer CPR until the ambulance arrives" gets the ring.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Labor Day or laborious day?

No, no, not another holiday weekend! These are a special kind of torture for me. PRESSURE, I can't stand the societal pressure to use a grill. A grill must symbolize something, but what? It also begs blowing up the house by mistake. If I had a handy dandy barbeque I'd have to invite people over which requires cleaning and appetizers. This sounds less and less like a celebration and more like pergatory with every added chore. Shouldn't a holiday really be where you sit around alone in a messy house, read back issues of "People", eat potato chips out of the bag and drink wine from a plastic cup? No cheeriness required. This also eliminates the risk of ptomaine/salmonella from nasty yet traditional holiday foods like 8 hour old cole slaw , undercooked chicken, or the dreaded hot dog on a stick. What's in a hot dog anyway and why a stick?

Is there a parade on Labor Day, I can't remember? Although this year with such high unemployment I can't imagine there would be many marchers. As well as it being potentially dangerous for the lone employed person walking down the middle of the street waving a tiny flag. I'm not a parade person even in a low unemployment economy. Although I do like one that has a giant inflated Mickey Mouse and Willard Scott.

Crap, the looooong holiday weekend looms ahead ... I feel the tension rising. Should I lock the door, pull down the shades, break out the back issues of "People" and hope I have enough chips and wine to make it to Tuesday? That sounds so right.