Thursday, August 28, 2008

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Conventional wisdom

WHEW! Just when I thought I had to get a life, I don't. I didn't have to put the tv clicker down after all. It's safely clutched in my grubby little hand and I'm glued to the Democratic Convention. To be perfectly honest I don't have the same sense of heightened awareness as I did watching the Olympics because everyone's completely clothed (and thank God they are), but it is theater. I particularly like the "where's Bill?" aspect of the drama. Who's in charge of his daily walking, and feeding? But more importantly keeping him on a leash. I sure hope he learned "sit, stay and no barking" because I can see how nervous everyone is.

The women have been KICK ASS. Wow, I don't know what I was expecting from Michelle and Hillary but blast off was acheived. Oh btw, Nancy Pelosi you were boring, boring, boring and I think your teeth are just a hair too white. I admit I had no real interest in Michelle Obama and for no reason. I wish I was as tall however. I can't say I loved her powder blue dress but it looked nice on her. Did the flower pin come with the dress or was it an accessory? But Michelle rocked. I hung on every word and gesture and yes I admit, cynical moi had a tear in my eye. She is so much more than tall. And then there was Hillary. God, I hate her outfits...who picked orange? Is it Halloween already? Ok, ok, I'm shallow, but hold on....Hillary, was Mickey Mantle, Hank Aaron, Roger Maris and I hate to say Barry Bonds because of the steriod thing, but I'll risk it. She went yard.....out of the park... HOME RUN. Nice nice work and some nifty speech writing.

I like Joe Biden. He' very earnest, isn't he? He looks good in suits also. Much better than George Bush who always seems as if he's trying to wiggle out of his or has fleas. I believe Joe means what he says . Hey what more can you ask of a politician? It's the freaking Holy Grail. He actually seems to adore his wife unlike Bill, who deserves an Oscar for his loving looks at Hillary. Sorry Bill, but I still think you're kinda hot for your age. Now it's Obama's time to descend from Mt. Olympus and join the party. The air is easier to breathe down here. And according to the polls he really needs to spend some quality time down here breathing with the rest of us. "Come on down", I'm waiting with baited breath.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Bye-bye Beijing, hello Denver!

Oh no, they're over, they're all over! Now what's to become of me? And how about my poor friend Dan, who had three tvs going day and night, what's he to do? Sorry babe no more 3:00 a.m. rowing or skeet shooting. It's official and final, I saw it with my own eyes, the Olympic torch has been extinguished. And a mighty fine blow job that was. Bye-bye, itty-bitty Chinese girls and I'm guessing 12 is your real age, but hey I lie too. I would also like to give the American men's swim team my address and phone number but I've said that before. And I'm very sad I didn't spend more time watching men's beach volleyball as that tall guy was pretty hot also. But I have one really, really huge issue before I can move on to the Democratic National Convention; I knew I wouldn't have to turn off the tv.

Can someone PLEASE tell me why the women's beach volleyball girls have to play in bikinis???? And is Hugh Hefner on the International Olympic Committee? Come on , they were wearing thong underwear not sports uniforms. If it were me I'd be standing there pulling the thing out of my butt and lose track of the ball. What about the nasty sand all itchy and also up my b-tt? I'd like to slap around the person who picked white as the color they wore in the finals. For God's sake, think of the body waxing that involved. OUCH, OUCH, OUCH, and oy! Girls call me if you need an advocate for more clothing.

Sadly it's time to find a life without the Olympics. Wait a minute, I almost forgot, I don't need a life yet. I have Democrats and Republicans to entertain me for the next two weeks . Oh God I hope they're wearing a lot of clothing.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Water logged thinking

Will someone please come rip the clicker from my hand?! I've tried to turn off the Olympics but I can't; I'm weak and pathetic. I can only pray these games end before 2012 when they start again. I have to work. I need to get dressed, leave the house and see if gas is still $4.00 a gallon. It's freaking 9:00 a.m and I'm watching women's soccer, and truthfully I don't even like soccer. "Run girls, run and don't hit the ball with your heads so much"! I'm really waiting for individual show jumping to begin. Is there medication for this? I seriously thought when swimming ended my mania would end. After all it was the men's bodies I was focused on not new world records. Crap, there I was the very next night glued to Nastia and tiny tiny Shawn on the balance beam. Girls I suggest when you have some time learn a skill that will help you in the job market.

I've tried to read the paper, immerse myself in geopolitical reality. Boy, does that ever suck. Pakistan, Russia, Georgia, Iraq, Afganistan, Iran, who can keep track of all these tricksters anymore? The only conclusion I came to was the world is coming to an end . I picked up September's "Vogue" as a distraction, but it has more pages than "War and Peace" and the Bible, neither of which I could ever finish. I realized however, in the first 30 pages I can no longer even afford a purse which is almost as depressing as the world coming to an end. I decided to think about who McCain and Obama will pick as their running mate which once again brought me back to , the world is coming to an end.

I picked the clicker back up and clutched it in my grubby little hand. On second thought ... "run girls, run"!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Hide and seek with the Vice President

Thank God Olympic swimming is over. I'm exhausted. At last the American swim team can put their clothes back on and hopefully I will stop dreaming about them. "Bye bye boys you were hot, hot, hot...oh yea and really great swimmers". Now I can focus on the question I've been asked a lot recently. "Has anyone seen Dick Cheney"? Wow, come to think of it, "No". Where does that guy go? Is he hiding again or just shy? I saw the President at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but unless Dick was dressed as a Chinese drummer I don't think he was there. Truthfully, I've seen more of Michael Phelps' mother lately than our Vice President. Wait a sec, I bet he snuck off and is watching women's beach volleyball. Dick, you naughty boy. Be careful though, and don't ask John Edwards for advice about women.

He must be off somewhere running the country since President Bush was busy giving high fives to the American men's basketball team. Uh oh, I hope he's not causing trouble because no sooner had the Olympics started than there was a surprising skirmish between Russia and Georgia. (Just a quick aside, aren't there too many new names on the map? Whatever became of the Belgian Congo and Yugoslavia? Sixth grade geography right down the drain). I sure hope our V.P. isn't trying to re-ignite the Cold War. I don't think I'm agile enough to hide under my desk with my head between my legs anymore. And can someone FINALLY tell me how that was going to save me from a nuclear attack?

Honestly I don't know where to look for him. He could be busy packing boxes for the big move. And I suggest only using book boxes as they are so much easier to lift . If he finishes soon could he be dismissed early? I'm not too busy, I'd be happy to help.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Olympic mania is me!

Olympic Fever! Yep, I got the fever. There I said it, like admitting you still sleep with a "blankie". Just one quick note before I drool over the male swimmers. Bob Costas, I can't emphasize enough the importance of a good colorist. In 2004 your hair was "burnt orange" which really should stay in the crayon box and now four years later I see it's the color of a black coffee from Starbucks. Highlights, highlights, highligts are crucial when going so dark ! Oh and just one more teensy weensy thing; were you auditioning for "Meet the Press" when you interviewed the President Sunday night? Good tough questions but I was hoping you'd ask his thoughts on why the female beach volleyball players wear bikinis and the men are all covered up?

I must say I haven't been this interested in swimming since I had a crush on Tom Peck who was on my high school's swim team. I just can't say enough about how exciting it is to watch Michael Phelps even at my age or especially at my age. Whoa baby, is his body rated PG? Oh, and he's a monster in the water too. Congrats on all the medals. What is it about the swimmer's bodies that is so much hotter than the gymnasts? Another good question for Bob to have asked the President. Although it's exciting/nerve wracking to watch men fly from bar to bar or off the vault I'm just not digging the outfits or their thicker more dense body type. Do not call the police , I am not a pedophile.

On a more serious note, why ARE the women wearing bikinis to play volleyball? Isn't the sand itchier in such a tiny suit? I'd be more worried about it staying on than playing. And speaking of uniforms what are our women gymnasts parading around in...leftover outfits from a circus? Girls, demand better less shiney clothes; so unflattering and tasteless. Poor things, don't they have enough to worry about? I'd like to know the sadist who thought up the balance beam and it's a miracle no one has landed in the stands flying off the uneven bars. I'm mortified watching the munchkins .

One more riveting week and then poof! the Olympians disappear. Could someone please tell me where the men's swim team will be going?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Jenna Jameson for Congress

Does the name Jenna Jameson sound familiar? It didn't to me but thank you E Channel for your informative documentary; I love to learn. Whew, now in case her name comes up at a cocktail party I won't stand there wondering if she's the junior senator from North Dakota. Jenna, you crafty career gal, you're the biggest porn star in history; a veritable industry. You even have a bobble head doll in your image. I have a car that gets good gas mileage. I'm just wondering however, was law school ever an option? Maybe you should have run Hillary's campaign, as it seems you're far better with finances and personal promotion. I bet Bill wouldn't have been so cranky with you around. And If you could have convinced Hillary to get one or two tatoos like yours she might have had wider appeal. Oh well too late for her, but I might get one.

I learned Jenna and I have nothing in common except number of divorces. I'm certain however, my ex-husbands would rather have been married to her. I guess I wouldn't blame them as she probably doesn't whine as much about the weather. I couldn't gather from the documentary whether she is a Democrat or Republican. Hmmmmmmm, I wonder if Jenna's ever slept in the White House? Maybe she should run for public office after all a wrestler and body builder became Governors. Whoops, I almost forgot, an actor was President. I think the country's ready for a porn star politician. Jenna, were you for the "surge"?

I should probably buy her book "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star", since I was an English major and love

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Don't call me, I'll call you.

Got "SLYDIAL"? Wow, it sounds too good to be true;new technology rocks. No more nasty, bitter break-up talks, or that necessary but dreaded conversation with the ex about a late alimony payment. "Slydial" means never having someone on the other end of the phone again. It's almost poetry. There's no risk of a real person in real time answering, you get zapped directly to voice mail and voila you leave a message... no muss, no fussy person. Lord have mercy. To think I could have saved my vocal cords and sanity during my divorce brings tears to my eyes. To say nothing of the phones I broke heaving them against the wall. No, I did not need an anger management class, just a new phone.

Lighten up, "Slydial" isn't cold and impersonal; it's freeing and verbally liberating. No matter how well I've planned a break-up speech the other person always messed it up by expressing their feelings. Having to interrupt with , "I'm not a selfish bitch who hates your mother" always screwed up the flow. And speaking of mothers, sorry Mom, but "Slydial" is perfect for us. "I'll see you at 4:00" doesn't mean "what did you do yesterday"? See how great this will be? I may get a job just because it would be so easy to call in sick. I am not weak and cowardly, I'm a time saver.

This is so much better than text messages. Watching all those crazy texters with their thumbs and fingers flying a mile a minute across the tiny tiny keys makes me crazy. Besides, wacky word abbreviations are mind numbing. So rest assured I will not send some impersonal break-up text message any time soon. It will be a cowardly voice mail.