Thursday, May 29, 2008

"Flow" down you move too fast!

I need "flow". What the f---k is flow? I just heard on tv it's supposed to make me happy . If it's cheaper than therapy, I'm in. Maybe I can get it at Neimans, at least I have a charge. If not there what about "Whole Foods"? They peddle exotic shoots, roots, and berries; they must have flow. Is it some sort of supplement? I'm not feeling particularly chirpy so I can only assume I'm flowless. This sounds very Oprah doesn't it? Hey Oprah got your flow going? Probably not, since I hear you're once again on some "new age" diet/fast thing. No sugar, caffeine, gluten,dairy, animal, or alcohol... whoa girl that's no freaking fun ....lighten up already. You've paraded so many "guru du jour" types in front of the public I can't believe you're still searching for happiness. This gives me pause, but not flow.

I think flowing is hard. Does it involve "mindfullness"? If this is the case I'm screwed. My mind is already stuffed, stuffed, stuffed. Between Hillary, Barack, Bill, the Reverend Wright, and Scott McClellan (btw, nice tell-all Scott) the political portion of my head is bursting. Oh crap and then there's gas prices. Bless you Honda Motor Corp. for my Civic! I bet no one with an SUV feels like flowing (except over a cliff). The war in Iraq has blocked my flow for way too long. Someone get us out of there! Did I mention the sub-prime mortgage crisis as a flow kill? My brain is exploding. Grey matter is everywhere, there's no flow in my world.

I hope this isn't permanent. I'd like to get my flowjo going. Should I call Dr. Phil for an intervention? Or Oprah to see if food group deprivation is cheering her up? I think while I wait for "mindfullness" I'll open the bottle of Cabernet I have sitting on the counter and pour myself a lovely glass of flow .

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Men are people too.

My "girlfriends" may have spoken but my men friends have responded! Btw girls, they're very upset. I have given them a bad, bad rap which they don't think is fair. They said they're not obsolete, dinosaurs, or deserve a life of doing errands alone. Ron insisted he's sensitive and I hurt his feelings. He suggested I check out some web-site about heathen cartoon girls from Canada who run rough-shod over younger men. Nasty! Which I'm assuming proves women can be thoughtless and demanding too. I'm wondering if the cartoon girls are having sex with their cartoon boys... KIDDING! More seriously, Ron stated he "bought into the women's movement" and now feels a bit shafted. He wants street cred for accepting liberated women. Really? Ok. And thank you?

I learned from Steve that men actually do talk amongst themselves! That makes me happy. Oh and they discuss sex. Hurray! This however, poses a problem for the married men in the group, as their single friends are having sex and they're not. Hmmm. He continued, "is it menopause or marriage that make women not care about having sex"? Let me think. In other words, do women slyly use sex to procure a marriage proposal only to ixnay it 30 years after "I do"? Listen up's menopause. Hey, I would like my 40's back; now that was a hot, hot, hot ten years. If I was married to or dating you at the time, I bet you're not issuing complaints. Thank you Mother Nature for all that kick ass estrogen. Then presto chango, like a magic trick gone wrong , the "to do" list reads: go to Home Depot for spackle, get the tires rotated, sex. Was I ever surprised! Wow, here I am at Duxler Tire again...

Men hang in there. Women still love you. But we "boomer" girls are the first generation who don't need you. This is good news for everyone.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Men, Doomed to Extinction?

Men, be afraid, be very afraid; especially if you can't cook, clean, do laundry, pick paint colors, or go to the cleaners as your future holds a lot of errands. According to my girlfriends no one would re-marry if they got divorced or their husbands died.  I got tired of talking politics as no good ever comes of it these day. "Would you re-marry?" is a more fun line of questioning. The answers have been short and seemed to require far less thinking . "Never" was unanimous. For the record my friends are happily married. Surprised? Not one of my friends is bitter and broke with a voodoo doll of the ex.  I can't help but wonder if sperm was their husbands best feature? 

Here's a helpful husband hint , learn to be alone. Is it really scary to watch a movie in the other room? Would tragedy strike if you ate dinner by yourself? There's always 911. How about having friends; play dates that don't involve cheating. Why don't men talk to each other about real subjects? I think they should chit chat about sex. At least then they wouldn't be cranky thinking they're the only ones not having it. News flash, women talk about sex all the time and don't seem to care about not having it.  It's not personal it's menopause. And for God's sake why do you need to know more than once what time we're coming home? "Put the phone down"!

Am I being harsh? Does the truth hurt? Relax, women aren't really man haters. Personally I like them at dinner. The male species isn't obsolete yet. No one in my girlfriend poll is leaving their man, they just wouldn't sign up for another tour of duty.

Monday, May 19, 2008

"Desperate Housewives" - Desperate Me!

HELP! Statistics beg the baby boomers are going to outlive their money. That's really bad news. I'm sure it's not every last boomer as some haven't spent their 401k on shoes and skin care, but it definitely will be me. I hate statistics but love my shoes. Actually I just looked in my wallet and I am going to outlive that money by 6:00p.m. I regret however, I have already outlived my college education. Why else would I watch the season finale of "Desperate Housewives"? Btw, I planned my day around it. Oh God, there I said it. I planned, watched, and liked it. I should have been watching PBS! My potential! What happened to my potential?! College down the toilet. This week "Grey's Anatomy" comes to a season end. I'm watching that too, and not because Meredith has a personality much like "Hamlet". "Pick McDreamy already you moron! I'm sick of your stupid mother issues. At least she sent you to medical school so you don't outlive your money".

Of course I'm counting the days until the "Sex and the City" movie is released. Yes, I can still count. And no, I can't remember the last time I was so excited about an event...not either wedding...certainly not my 50th birthday...maybe divorce #1 ....and for that matter #2. I have plans with the girlfriends to go to the first screening on the first day. See, I'm shallow, empty and have no life. I should be going to the library. I don't think they have card catalogues or the Dewey Decimal System anymore do they? I wouldn't even be able to find a book. I could pretend Samantha, Carrie, Charlotte and Miranda remind me of the girls in "Little Women" , but then Beth would have to be a slut. Poor sweet Beth, I can't do that to her. Besides it's hard to look slutty in gingham clothing.

I'm a disappointment to myself. Remember my potential? I barely do, but my mother does. Here's a real blow to my intellect and ego; I'd choose Carrie and company on the silver screen over a Hitchcock or Fellini festival this weekend. I'm so busted. Whereas, I'm terrified of outliving my money and I refuse to give up eating out....I'm getting used to outliving my college education. I really hope Carrie marries Mr. Big.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

21st Century hermit; a day in the life

I'm becoming a hermit! This is a disturbing thought. Are there clinical symptoms I should be aware of? Oh my God, don't most hermits have beards? Whew, back from the mirror, no beard but I need a haircut. I just heard on the "Kathy and Judy" radio show long hair is out , out, out, for older women. Perhaps this is a sign of a hermetic life. Crap, I bet my skirts are too short also. I desperately searched my apartment for "Vogue" or "Bazaar" to double check hemlines for Summer. I found myself anxiously flipping through an "Art in America" which wasn't helpful, but I realized I can skip the Whitney Biennial. I need to get out more, but my hair's too long and my skirts too short. "Kathy, Judy, help me"! Have I lost track of time sitting here at my computer?

I'm a computer hermit! Maybe we all are. I hope that means no beard. Hey, if you're reading this you're on a computer. I could "rest my case" but then I'd have to go somewhere. And who has to go out when you can buy everything from refrigerators to tires to vibrators on-line. To say nothing of the porn that one of my male friends watches all day. "Cut that out already"! Gross. I strongly suggest he gets off his ass and leaves the house. I can even shop for dates on line and never have to go on one. It takes hours, days, weeks to get through all the profiles on or JDate; a real time filler. Then there's the subsequent emailing and calling...what could be easier/better than a man I never have to meet?

I used to have a life. I remember getting dressed in the morning. Do they still deliver the newspaper to your door? How much are stamps these days? I confess I love googling my ailments, but I wonder if my doctor misses me? Wow, "google" is a verb! As for conversation, so 20th century... send me an email and I'll get back to you.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Baby Boomer Brains

Good news, my brain doesn't have to age along with my face. And btw I still can't find skin cream that makes me happy or less wrinkled. I just read there are exercises to maintain intelligence. This is a relief to we Baby Boomers who are terrified of any aging body part. Men, you have Viagra so I guess your brain is taken care of. I for one, would like to remember what I just said or read. And word retrieval would be helpful....long pauses are embarrassing and only make me forget what I started to say in the first place. It sucks, doesn't it? Thank God, I don't have to memorize the Gettysburg address again or "When in the course of human events, (I forgot the rest).

There are ways to keep the old brain alert. The New York Times quoted an article from the magazine "Wired" which listed these steps: 1) Discover - "Learning new things can keep the brain stimulated and make you smarter". Thursday night while I was eating a salad I "discovered" a piece of my tooth on the plate. Does that count? 2) Don't Panic - "Periods of intense stress essentially turn us into Neanderthals. Try to control your breathing". I screamed when I looked in the mirror and saw the gaping hole in my mouth. Sobbing however, was rhythmic and did help jump start my breathing. 3) Drink Tea - "For optimal brain gain drink tea". I did the math and cutting out $3.75 frapacinos and ordering tea instead will help pay for the crown for my tooth. Smart right? 4) Practice the types of questions that appear on intelligence tests. HUH? 5)Exercise - "Students who are aerobically fit perform better on cognitive tests" Finally something I can do. Except I doubt there's a cognitive test in my future. How about a pop quiz on songs from the sixties?

My brain is full, not smarter, just full. Any ideas on skin cream?

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Please don't marry me!

I love weddings. As long as they're not mine. They are a jinx for me . I'm a much better date than wife. Trust me. As for attending weddings, I have a strict rule of thumb...never go unescorted. I made the hideous mistake of going alone once and ended up sitting by myself while everyone else was dancing. That sucked. I felt like crawling under the table or better yet out the door. So if an invitation isn't addressed to me "and guest" I ixnay the whole event. The nuptuals of little Jenna Bush brought my horrible memories to mind. Wow, Jenna's all grown up! And no, I don't know her, but I do want to personally thank her for not getting married in the White House. It would be bad timing with the economy tanking and the endless war in Iraq, wouldn't it? I imagine she would have had a lot of uninvited guests out front. She was wise to hide away in Crawford, Texas. I wonder if Cindy Sheehan was invited; at least she knows how to get there.

I didn't get an invitation, but apparently I can buy a souvenir cup. Nah. I'm excited that Dick Cheney might finally get to go somewhere fun. Is he still in hiding? I haven't seen hide nor hair of him in ages. Rumor has it Air Force ll has been spotted sitting in Jackson Hole Wyoming for quite a while. I can only assume the poor man's exhausted. Does he work? He is, none the less, quite a little money making machine. I hope Jenna or her dad toasts him for funneling so much cash into their "on" or "off" shore accounts since 2000. Maybe he bought Jenna's dress or paid for the whole shindig. Please someone ask him to dance.

And I am NOT sour grapes! I had nothing appropriate to wear and I chipped a tooth. I couldn't go with a temporary crown for God's sake. Besides, if I couldn't bring a guest I could be stuck sitting alone in the back not dancing. I can't wait to see pictures ... oh crap, they have F-16s circling over the ranch to keep the press away. Is that a gift from the taxpayers? I pray it isn't, as I have quite a dental bill in my future. Better than a wedding.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

I feel better about my face, neck and finances!

I feel ten years younger! Is it better to "feel" or "look" younger? That's a really tough one isn't it? I picked "feel". I can't afford "look". I returned the skin care products that cost more than my rent! It would be ridiculous to be homeless with only a night time exfoliant, new age cellular skin repair cream, and eye rejuvenator to my name. Besides my brain was hurting from trying to figure out the mathematical possibilities to paying the huge Neiman's bill that would soon be in my sweaty,trembling hand. Should I pay it in full and see how long I could go hungry? No, I had dinner plans. I figured out installments in 10, 25, 50 and $100 increments and realized I might not live long enough to be out of debt. I toyed with going to my grave having an outstanding Neiman's balance but tragically, it would then be my son's only inheritance ... I'm a bad bad mother.

I want to personally thank my girlfriends who wrote/called and gave me the courage to march back to the make-up counter and "just say no". The eye cream did make my eyes burn, and the moisturizer turned my skin an odd shade of red, so I felt like I had a case for a refund. Guilt looms way too large in my life. It's a Jewish curse. I think God must have said to the Jews, "Go forth and feel guilty... oh and multiply, and of course, shop". (I hope that meant for shoes!) Well, there was no need for all my angst as the sales girls couldn't have been nicer and promptly printed my refund receipt. I felt the years melt away. I peeked in the mirror ....nope, the years were still there. Let's just say my spirit felt younger and I had more money. It took every ounce of strength to resist the shoe department which was calling to me from the 2nd floor. I stared up longingly and with tears in my eyes, but didn't go.

I didn't leave empty handed however. There is a trick ! A fool proof way to spare oneself the defeat of returns. To think I could have avoided days of buyer's remorse and boring my friends to death talking about moisturizer. Get samples! You can test drive the products. Mom, Queen of make-up counters from here to Manhattan, why didn't you tell me this? I came home toting tiny jars of skin creams, eye fluffers, and wrinkled neck miracles. A bag of "promise" was mine and it was free. I looked better already.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Mr. Big, Mr. Big !!

Does Carrie marry Mr. Big???? I confess I can't wait to know. And yes, I'm counting the days until the movie comes out. Knowing Carrie's future has usurped obsessing about my own. Fiction is so much more fun. I've put the countdown to the election on hold for the countdown to the movie. Oh God, I'm shallow. (Sorry Hillary and Barack, I'll get back to you). I say marry him. He's tall so she'd never have to wear flats . Although I admit, I couldn't really decide between Aiden and Mr. Big . That was a tough call. I know men who stopped watching after she dumped Aiden. Wow, some impressively sensitive guys out there. Sorry boys, I was sad but still addicted to the show. Hard to say what a woman's going to do isn't it? I loved Aiden, so cute and cuddly, but I admit the rich and powerful Big was oh so tempting. The "bad boy" vs the "nice guy"- one of romance's age old battles.

I think "nice guys" finish last and THEN first. "Bad boys" are a starter kit. They're elusive, roguish, and face it, damn sexy. They stare at you attentively one minute and poof! gone the next. " Hey where'd you go? I thought I was your girlfriend"! They don't have girlfriends, just an endless series of dates. I've been fooled on more than one occasion. I've naively assumed that if a man called me 5 times a day, took me out every night to some fab restaurant, and bought me presents, that after a couple of months of this lovely, flattering behavior he was my guy....and mine alone. I got him. I caught the "Mr. Big" fish no one else could reel in. Ha, ha, I'm an idiot because he's gone and I'm left wracking my brain, wondering what it was I said to offend him. Ok, at the time I didn't laugh. I wasn't different from the woman before me and yes, there will be a woman after one gets this guy. Face it, if it wasn't for these men an entire section of Borders and Barnes & Noble would be empty. They're a cottage industry.

Enter: the "nice guy". Good guys of the world, this is your moment! Now you get the girl. Oh and don't get all pouty that you weren't picked first. Who cares! Put your ego on the back burner and say the one word you have in your arsenal that Mr. Big doesn't....COMMITMENT. So Carrie, if I were you, and call me a cock-eyed pessimist....have a back-up plan. I keep a storage locker.