"To shop or not to shop, that is the question". Isn't it? If you don't like to spend time alone I don't recommend it. I was the only person in Neimans last Thursday. I had 47 sales people all to myself. I was doused in perfume and made-up by three different cosmetic vendors. No, it didn't help and yes, I was smelly. I am however, loaded down with samples of miracle skin creams designed to save me from facial ruin. Generous, but too late. I wandered aimlessly from department to department looking for signs of life. Nope, just me trudging from sale rack, to sale rack to sale rack. I began to ponder, "Could I singlehandedly save the economy buying a new sweater"? The pressure was staggering and tempting.
If only I hadn't read the newspaper that morning, crap. The sweater was oh so soft, but the economy was even softer. The headlines screamed recession, the stock market dropped another 500 points , General Motors wanted to be saved from it's wasteful unconscionable self, and I sported a whole new vocabulary filled with the words: asset backed securties, bundled mortgages, and credit default swaps. Sadly, I can use every freaking one of them in a sentence. I looked at the sweater longingly with tears in my eyes. It was on sale from $360 to $245. I checked my forehead to see if I had a fever. I stuffed it back on the rack and realized I had to save myself from myself, and not the economy. Sorry, Hank Paulson. It looks however,like I could use a bailout package too... can Gail the art dealer, be helped after GM?
Happily, I can now report I have a favorite new place to shop and wow is it ever cheap! Pack up the kids and go to the gas station. I paid UNDER $1.99 a gallon ... does anyone think that's better than sex? So this holiday season I'm going to buy a dozen one gallon containers and give all my friends the gift of gas.
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Gas or sex, good question... I really don't want to comment on the $245.00 sweater from Neimans, even though it’s a Dallas born company. The last time my ass entered that store was when my sister was buying her wedding dress 25 years ago and my purchase was a strapless bra that I needed for my “Maid of Honor” dress, which now that I think about it, that was the last time I wore a dress., I HATE, Detest, can’t stand dresses... Anyway, back to gas or sex, we ARE talking about Gasoline right?
Friday night I couldn't sleep, I called friends to see if they wanted to go drinking with me and all I heard was "can't afford it" so I got in my car and went to Kroger's Grocery store to buy a bottle of cheap wine and a 6 pack of beer (I am in Texas, we do drink a lot of beer y'all) bought my bottle of Merlot for $6.00 and a 6 pack of Tecate for $7.99. As I was pulling out of the parking lot I looked at the big sign "GAS $1.50" DARN! I slammed on my breaks and placed my beautiful Honda Accord behind the long line of cars and waited for my turn to feed my car 14 gallons at $1.50 a gallon... I always keep a $20.00 bill in my wallet in case of emergency and this was NOT an emergency, it was a God's sent, a gasoline sale, and a lucky night for me and it’s when sex vs. gas comes into question.
I didn't get any sex this past weekend no “booty call”, no “lucky night” however I can't remember the last time that the prize of gas made me ALMOST have and orgasm and yell "oh God!! Oh God!!! Oh my F*&^%$ God!!! And when I left the pump and I was in desperate need of a cigarette... That’s how good it feels to fill out a 14 gallon tank for 21.00... Damn!!!
A full tank of gas will last me 2 weeks or so now I will focus on getting some sex at no charge of course because the rate I would charge is way too expensive (more than a sweater at Neimans at full prize) we are in recession so I give it out for free, but I am picky…
I celebrated that night, drank the bottle of wine by myself and the 6 pack of beer the next day... No worries man! After all, when was the last time I spend on a full tank of gas, a bottle of wine and 6 pack of imported beer 34.99?
Moral of the story is; Why give free Viagra to Mexican men over 70 when cheap gas will probably give them a hard-on? And who needs a vibrator or a sex partner when beer, wine and cheap gas can satisfy my needs? Oh come on, let’s be real, I love sex, who am I kidding?
No thanks. I already have gas. I get it from the government. Tried every remedy in drug stores but only farting gives me relief. That's why I'm also alone in stores - and most other places as well.
GM is also another helpful economic study - not that we need anymore helpful economic studies but it is one. I'm afraid that asset backed securities, credit default swaps or any other type of financing is not going to solve their problem. Why? Well getting adequate financing has never been their problem.
Their problem is that they have to become specialists. I know, you think I'm crazy. I'm not - the big three auto companies have to specialize .... IN CARS THAT WORK.
These guys have been hanging around in the "Hallowed Halls" of GM, Ford and Chrysler for too long. They don't even come out to breath the air their customers breath. Hell, they probably don't even breath - they have assistants for that.
They are all from Detroit, all from the automobile business, all dress the same, and all devoid of real thought. Oh, maybe what color tie to wear or should they take a golf lesson today or go to the office. I'm not sure about the ties. They may have assistants for that as well. But, if they want to meet their vice presidents they better go to the golf course.
After enough generations of them they managed to work their way from the leading auto makers in the world to not even being able to keep up. They have forgotten the simplest thought of all. I'll write it down for them. "Good products can get all the financing they need and all the financing in the world will not make a bad product a good product.
Here's an idea why don't they work at Needless Markup for a year and learn something. That company can take a $50 sweater from a discount house, fluff it up, swirl it around and sell it for $360. You did the right thing walking away. I'm proud of you.
Keep blogging - you're smart and funny and should be read by thousands more.
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