I can't find the owner's manual to my car which makes it impossible for me to change my clock to Central Standard Time. I desperately need the directions. Then I had the big "ah ha" moment... think how much easier life would be if we all came with an operating manual. Our own personal book of instructions;it's genius! No muss, no fuss,don't ask, just read the manual. Think of the people you would never have dated,married or slept with; wow, a real time and money saver. The most important element of course would be complete and total disclosure. No hiding the truth about what a raving lunatic you are before chugging that first cup of coffee, or fudging the numbers about how much it really costs to have a wrinkle free forehead or hair plugs. The beauty of this brings tears to my eyes! The people who don't run off screaming at the end of the manual are either, retired Green Berets nostalgically looking for a search and destroy mission, or someone as crazy as you are.
Personally I think I'd attract a lot of Green Berets. The hardest part for me would be age disclosure. Sorry Mom, I might have to give up my vow of silence. For starters, I'm the aforementioned raving lunatic before coffee. And after coffee. But not apres a glass of wine approx 9 hours later. I know this begs a lot of cranky time. Is anyone still reading? I don't eat until noon, so ixnay me if you like to go out for breakfast or want me to sunnyside up the eggs. While we're on food, stop reading if you don't like to eat dinner out or don't believe the cocktail hour is spiritual. I've lost more readers, haven't I? There would be a short chapter devoted to bedding. .. oh, and snoring.....and also ticking clocks. Must have at least 400 thread count sheets, absofreakinglutely no snoring and all ticking must be silenced. Oh God, no one will read to the end will they? HOLD ON A SEC! Here's a really good chapter, "I hate, hate, hate, to go shopping"! Oh wait, another great read is, "I love sports , watch the entire NCAA Basketball Tournament and listen to ESPN radio". I'm guessing a very, very, very, small group is still turning the pages.
I'll never be a best seller.
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2 comments:
wait - wait!!! I'm still here and have an owners manual. It's got an index and chapters on operations and what to do if you get an error message.
There's a chapter on anger with cross references to the index in the back - like
1) sarcasm - treat with an honest comment about how it makes you feel
2) speaking in loud voice - treat with stern admonishment citing your feelings again.
3) yelling - go to the kitchen and pull out a carving knife and aim it at his testicles
4) red faced yelling - lift latch on top of head and scoop out all the messy stuff you find.
There's a chapter on love making - like
1) foreplay - turn off the t.v. set and take his dinner plate away
2) the come on - say crap and other such vulgar words like that
3) ready to act - pull up your shirt and point to the part between your legs
Call me in Jersey my number is Bigello 35600 ask for cell 427
Slim
I like the idea of the Manual. It would have stoped me from dating, sleeping and falling for several bitches, but then again, what would my own manual say? I wake up in a good mood and go to sleep in a good mood or don't piss me off because my Jewish Mexican Butch side comes out and watch out. Will it also come with instructions like what I like for breakfast, what buttons to push, what makes me laugh and what makes me cranky? Will there also be a diagram of my G spots? Would that manual have to be re-vamped ever 7 years? Years ago I was a party waiting to happen and that has changed, I don't want someone to think I am still a crazy pot-head horny bitch, oh no! I gave up on the pot but still a horny bitch...Enough about me, lets talk about my parents, I would LOVE to have access to my parents manual so I know when to call and when to NOT call and now that I think about it I wish I would have read my mother's manual at the age of 9 and ran away from home at 9 1/2 that would have saved me many hours at the therapist. Gosh! imagine all the crap we wouldn't have to go thorugh if we could read everyone's maunual but then again, the line "Getting to know you" "let's talk" and many other opening lines I use to go out on a date would be gone, they would probably e-mail me their manual and say, "read it and call me when you are done reading" Damn there goes the flirting and candle light dinners.
I want my manual to have pictures and diagrams and maybe once every 5th page a little tab with nice smelly perfume, like they have in some magazines, yeah I would like that oh and a centerfold photo of me on a Harley.
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