It's really hard to pee in a cup. If there's a trick to it, I'm clueless. This creates enormous anxiety when I go to the doctor and the first place they point me is the bathroom. Oh God, not the cup! Anything but the cup! And why,why why are they so small? Come on now Doc, it's not a precise activity for us females, how about a bowl? Men have it much easier; even with shaky hands I can't imagine it has a high degree of difficulty. All they have to do is stay awake and keep their eyes open.
I found myself taking the dreaded walk to the bathroom at my Internist's office yesterday. You'd think after years of experience at the Ob-Gyn, I'd have some level of skill and accuracy. Nope. So there I was reading the directions on the wall. This was the first time I've ever seen such specific instructions. My Gynecologist's nurse says, "there's the cup, pee, and leave it on the shelf". Now I was staring at a step by step list of what to do. I'm not good at following rules and felt panicked. There was a lovely basket of tiny cups with little blue lids; a nice Martha Stewart touch. Martha I need help babe! Is your aim better than mine? There was also a bowl of packaged towelettes for pre-peeing purposes. I couldn't get one of the tightly sealed packets opened. I grew anxious and looked around for the Xanax basket. When I finally tore it open with my teeth, the towel dropped on the floor. My first instinct was to just pick it up and continue .... I opened another one. In my rush to get done, I dropped the cup I was holding. Crap. My first instinct was to just pick it up....
Profusely sweating and slightly dizzy, but with new cup in hand, I was ready. I always think I'm in the correct general area but it's really hit or miss. "Miss" really sucks. And yes I've missed. Obviously I know instantly. It is a sad, pitiful and embarrassing moment. Thank God I'm alone. I pray I'm not the only one who has this problem. Yesterday I was lucky, first time, on target. I did have to write my name on the label twice as my nerves were still jangled and I couldn't remember how to spell "Gail". Finally and triumphantly I placed the cup on the shelf. I was proud! Now I can relax until Sept. when I'm due for my Ob-Gyn check-up. And "no" I don't practice between appointments.
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2 comments:
You dismiss the ease with which men pee in their cups. There are plenty of problems for them as well. First there is the guy with the enlarged prostrate. On a good day he can spray the cup, his hand and the toilet - even beyond.
Then there is the athletic peeer. You know the forceful type who claim they are able to pee over two or three cars (depending on how much beer they are drinking). At times they hit the cup with such force that it blows out of their hand and they don't see where it went. This is a worse problem when they have written their name on the missing missile before it was hit.
Lastly, there is a cut off - without splashing all over. That takes years of practice and lots of mistakes.
Last time I had to pee in a cup for a drug test I was very nervous. Would the drugs I did 2 years ago show on my urine? Then the nurse came with a cup, she handed the cup to me, I noticed she was wearing surgical gloves. When I went into the bathroom and ready to aim and not miss the cup I realized that my hands would be sprayed, I opened the door (pants down and cup in hand) "excuse me nurse, can I borrow some gloves?” She said no, its against the rules. I came out of the bathroom with my little cup and the nurse said to me "you have to do this again, you need to fill it to this line" Against my will I had to pee again, "look Ma, no gloves" then something told me to hold the cup against my "body" and I did, by now I had about a gallon of water in me, the cup overflowed. The lab has a full cup of my pee. FYI, the drugs that I had 2 years ago never showed on the tests, whew! I got home and wished I had a joint just to celebrate that I filled the cup the second time around, it was too stressful man!
After that experience I learned to appreciate the toilette seat more. I just hope I don't have to do that again and if I do, I'll make sure the nurse knows that I might need a second cup.
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