I Hate The New Yorker

I have a secret. It's too shameful to admit. I can hardly spit it out but maybe it will be purging. I'll try... bear with me.....I dread getting "The New Yorker". Oh Lord I've said it, be merciful. It was a huge mistake, like my second divorce attorney. When I see yet another one in my mailbox my stomach sinks, my blood pressure rises and I get a rash. Crap, not "The New Yorker" again... didn't they just send one?! Why isn't this freaking subscription up already? I'm tempted to throw it away, but stop myself and instead make a solemn vow I'll read it. Yes, more than just the cartoons. The subscription seemed like a good idea at the time. My Mother was taking a course on the magazine and my son was an avid reader. I felt stupid when they talked about articles and I had no knowledge of the subjects. I had to have in.

The articles are too long. And can anyone really see the print? A lethal combination for someone in a hurry with the attention span of a near sighted gnat. I always take a cursory look, a "yes", "no" as to what I want to read. Admitedly, and this is a tough admission, I ixnay most of the magazine. It just doesn't always seem that interesting. There I confess "IT DOESN'T ALWAYS SEEM THAT INTERESTING." Oh God, I'm an idiot. I had so much promise too. Wait a minute, hold on just one sec, for the record, I did read a very long article on John Currin. I also entered the "cartoon caption contest" twice. I thought I'd win . I lost. Right now I have one "New Yorker" by my bed, one in my car and one on the floor of the bathroom. They're like roaches.

I've done this before. I subscribed to "The New York Review of Books" years ago. Each week I excitedly looked through the newest arrival and then put it in a drawer next to my bed for leisure reading. Fifty two weeks later I had a fire hazard. It was a day of intellectual reckoning when I threw them all away. I did it without therapy. I'm looking forward to the week my subscription to "The New Yorker" ends, I may have a little party. Cash bar, no food. I'm not that dumb after all.