Yikes!

It wasn't bad enough I have Dr. Phil and his dating advice on Match.com to contend with ,now I have Oprah's favorite life saver, Dr. Ahmet Oz. Thank God he's not trying to orchestrate my social life or find me a social life, but he is getting a little pesty about my health. Hey doc, I'm doing the best I can, but truthfully I'm not convinced I really want to live to 100. It's a nice round number but I'm not sure it's a fun number. I guess I could look forward to Willard Scott putting my face on a Smuckers label and wishing me happy birthday; for certain I would end my life that morning. Aren't those labels red? Hate red. It appears however, that there's no way I'm getting that old because regardless of how nutritiously I eat, or how many vitamins I ingest, or how religious I am about exercise, I am certain to die from cleaning my apartment. The news just keeps getting worse. Who ever thought living would be so much work?

I'm a good little cleaner but it won't matter because I'll be dead soon; lying on the floor with a bottle of "Fantastik" clutched in my hand. Well at least I'm saving the life of a cleaning woman by doing the work myself. Here I just thought I was saving money. It seems I'm living in a toxic petri dish and not an expensive one bedroom apartment. This makes me a little nauseous. So Dr.Oz listen up, I would love to keep the windows open for fumigation purposes but it's 30 freaking degrees outside, and dying of hypothermia in my home is not as exotic as on Everest. That's "no" to the open windows. As for taking off my shoes and leaving them outside my door so I don't track in pesticides and lawn chemicals , sorry Doc, I'm not letting my $400 fabulous Kate Spade high heels out of my sight and btw I have them in red and black. I shouldn't leave microwave food in plastic containers because they could leak. Huh? I need to check with NASA about this. Do not clean with toxic chemicals, use baking soda. I may capitulate on this one, as I've always had a sneaking suspicion that those spray cleaners I use really contain Agent Orange and a splash of Napalm. Now for the plastic cleaning bags; get a life for God's sake. I have a grown child, the possibility of his running around with one wrapped around his head is over; I'm free to have them on every article of clothing. Yet you dare to tell me to throw them away before they even enter my apartment, as it wasn't about suffocation afterall, it was the clothes cleaning agent. And continue to say I should let the clothes air out a day before wearing. I want what you're smoking. Who has that much clothing!!? Or time. Last but certainly not least, I need plants, plants, plants for chemical conversion purposes. Doc, I'm not good with plants; dogs, horses, maybe a cat, an orphaned goldfish, but I'm not secure about the watering. I never get it right, and plant death is slow, I feel so helpless and stupid. Ixnay to the oxygen converters, I'll have to take my chances.

In summation , I'm exhausted and apparently close to death. Dr. Ahmet Oz, why can't you just stick to your Cardiovascular specialty and I'll call you when I have chest pain.