The envelope please

I have a new inductee into my Bad Date Hall of Fame , aka my personal pantheon of bad dates. I'm not "happy" to make this announcement as it means I had a really crappy time. I think a "sad" announcement however should only be about death, disease, or another republican president. Dr. Phil I think since you're the spokesperson for Match.com perhaps you should come to the induction ceremony and hear why this man qualifies for such a dubious honor. Perhaps it will help you in the advice giving department. There was a runner-up candidate also, and it was a difficult decision . Oh btw there was one more option, a man I fondly refer to as Hannibal Lector. I still have my liver, so he didn't make the final cut.

Mr. Runner Up gets the prize for shortest date ever (minutes). From the time we sat down for a drink until I left approx. 14 elapsed. He looked at me, smiled nervously, pulled out of his pocket a small piece of white paper , unfolded it, and proceeded to ask me questions he had written down in very tiny handwriting. Who does this? And how far was I from the door? I did not set in motion the, "go to the bathroom, call a friend on my cell phone and tell them to call me in 6 minutes about an emergency at home, rule". You know who you are. I did however, employ my friend Sam's 10 minute maxim. "Gail, if you're miserable just get up, say you're not a match and leave." Although he espouses this, I think I'm the only one who has ever used it. I basically pleaded insanity. I got up and said "I'm so sorry but I'm very uncomfortable and am going home." Ok, I'm an ass, and although I did have a severe case of guilt... good-bye Mr. Runner Up. Dr. Phil advise this man to memorize the questions.

I'd like to remind the new inductee that women have been given the right to vote. There's a woman running for President, a woman Secretary of State, a woman Speaker of the House, Oprah, a woman President of Harvard, etc. etc. ad infinitum.. . so my best advice is to let the woman you're out with SPEAK. We are a legitimate gender. I met my date at a bar to watch a sporting event. I could blame the evening on the Colorado Rockies for not making a game of it, which gave us way too much time to fill. From the moment I arrived he did not stop talking. Even while my back was turned watching the game he was talking, talking ,still talking. Not about politics, sports, the weather, movies, but about his apparent favorite subject, himself. Dr. Phil feel free to jump in. Ironically a movie did come to my mind, "My Dinner with Andre". Andre Gregory wove tales of his adventures both spiritual and real while Wallace Shawn sat at dinner and listened. His life journey was mesmerizing and the time flew as he talked. This was not my evening. It didn't seem to matter if I was there. I began to wonder if I was there. Did he notice I had not said a word for two hours? I know I'm having a really bad time when all I can think about is killing myself and I'm not depressed. I just wanted to go home. The 15 minute rule was shot to hell and I was now working on a three hour time table. I thought about screaming "just shut up!" at the top of my lungs, I thought about it alot. I realized however as I listened to the life story of every one of his family members, why bother straining my voice? At the reasonable time of 10:30 I lunged for the check, paid my half,(a guilt absolving gesture) said thank you and left.

If we do elect a woman President, like it or not, my new inductee will have to listen. Even if we don't, learn a little from Mr. Runner Up, have some questions!