"It's a numbers game" my friend Jay always tells me, when I whine to him about not meeting men I like, "you gotta kiss alot of frogs". Well I was very bad in math, so the idea of numbers makes me nervous and sweaty. As for frogs, it conjurs up the image of some biblical plague for which I'm not vaccinated. My friend Jon tells me perhaps I'm too picky, although this advice comes from a man who only wants to date women under 105 pounds with small breasts. I consider his remark and think his options are limited and jail bait, but perhaps he's right and I should expand my man universe. I decide I can go older and shorter; this makes me proud of my flexibility. Oh for God's sake who am I kidding, my demographic sucks, men my age want to date women Paris Hilton's age, and flexibilty isn't an option it's a necessity.
Call it coincidence or biblical but a short old man emails me on Match.com. Normally I would dismiss him, as 74 seems really "icky" and 5'5" is exactly my height and I just bought two pairs of Kate Spade three inch high heels that I long to wear. My only flat shoes are flip-flops and it's cold out. But in order to explore my expanded universe I searched my closet for the lowest heel possible and accepted his dinner offer. I never have anyone pick me up at my apartment , this seems unsafe as I still remember the Ted Bundy story, so we agreed to meet at a local restaurant. To avoid anxiety on the drive over I reminded myself to expect nothing, in fact less than zero, zip, nada. This was a calming thought but I still almost drove off the road.
My new demographic was waiting for me in front. I am not a religious person so as I mentioned a few posts ago I don't think I'm going to find a really cute guy in heaven, but I'm definitely reconsidering it because earth has become a test. I know how shallow I sound but this expansion process is going to take some visual adjustment. He looked a bit like my dad who's 87 and my mom who's 5'3". But before I get branded a bitch I knew he might have been looking at me with the same sinking feeling. Maybe he was expanding his demographic also, maybe I was the oldest woman he ever had a date with. Maybe we had more in common than we thought. Or maybe we should both apologize , plead temporary insanity and go home.
I learned alot during dinner; he was an extremely successful businessman who has a plane, large home with swimming pool, travels the world, stays at the Penninsula or Four Seasons, and has dated women younger than myself. See the joke was on me after all! I realized however, with a little practice I probably could date older and short, but when he called the waitress heavy right to her poor sweet,young face I realized no matter what, I could never date rude.
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First of all I go on dates to see if WE like each-other. Were I to go on a date with a list of questions about attributes that are PLEASING TO ME I feel I would look strange....hell anyone with a head that large would have to look strange. You could have said a lot of embarrassing things. You could have asked what score did you need to pass in order to continue be in his presence - if only for a little while. You could have asked if there was a period during which your imperfections could be cured. You could have asked where in the word he found a hat that large in t his city. You could have assumed that he had never done this before and his mother told him what to do. Then you could have advised him not to listen to her anymore as she was trying to hang on to him - or get him hanged. What the hell is wrong with "this makes me uncomfortable, I'm going home"? I'll bet lots of women (I'll stick to women) would love to do what you did only they erroneously feel that it is un-lady like (not so). Or they were in such shock that they just sit there and stared all night until the place closed and the paramedics came and took her away to a "restful place". THE END
P.S. In the last instance he was no longer there when the paramedics came. He was already home telling mom about the strange woman he met on a date.
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