Friday, March 27, 2009

Don't grow old with me,

Crap, it's time to choose between the happiness derived from a sugar high and living to 120. Now that's a tough decision and not to be made lightly or hopped up on a double mocha latte. If it's longevity you desire, "Put the Snickers down and step away from the candy machine". Dr. Ahmet Oz, Oprah's medical guru, says there's a way to be old, older, oldest. The key according to the Doc ; calorie restriction! Ixnay to the warm cuddly feeling a Twinkie provides. Want something sweet, chew on a sweet potato. Yummy, bring on the legumes and watch your 90's fly by.

Personally I don't mind the fruits and vegetables required or the paltry 1,500 calories a day, as when I'm not eating tiny Mounds bars I'm consuming pounds of produce. The real question for me is ....why, why, why would I want to be 120?!?!?! Correct me if I'm wrong but, does that sound like fun? And what WOULD fun be for a 120 year old cranky spoiled Jewish Princess? Lord knows, I'd probably look like crap and regret not having my face lifted at 100. I doubt I could wear my fab high heels for fear of falling or my little black strapless clingy dress for fear of scaring people. And for all you boys and girls who think I complain a lot now....OY! Clearly I'd have no friends and multiple restraining orders issued against me. Wow, good times huh?

Can you imagine what it would be like sitting around with fellow 120 year olds or those upstart kids in their late 90s!? What would we talk about?
Not sex . ... the visuals would be way too disturbing. Prune juice vs. Metamucil? I know this is a favorite subject of my 90 yr. old mother. Dr. Oz.... pass the Twinkies please.

4 comments:

Dr. Ruth formally known as Viking Jen said...

OH HELL NO! 120? Are you crazy? No, not for me thank you...You are right Gail, what would I do at 120? You mean to tell me that I give up candy and eat vegetables blah blah blah and I would live that long? Shit no, pass the candy jar let me eat them all... I told my girlfriend that if I live to be 90 I will go to the head shop, get me a bong, buy some weed and smoke till I can't say my name, what can I do after 90? I won't be able to have sex anymore, or would I? I don't think so. I won't be able to kayak, maybe I would but I've seen old old OLD women in bathing suits and NO THANKS... I wouldn't be able to flirt and I love to flirt.. It won't be boxers or briefs it will be Depends.

I am 49 years old now and a friend of mine told me I was middle aged, I AM MORE THAN MIDDLE AGE, I will be lucky if I live to be 80.. Heck I am a smoker, drinker, partied like a queen for many years (I calmed down now though) I don't exercise, I kayak, I do think positive, I eat meat and vegetables and candy and French fries, cheese, hot dogs from the street and I love Rum and Coca Cola. I work too much, etc etc etc so why the hell should I change and follow Oprah's guru Doctor anyway? I can't stand the bitch, she says that she was poor once and she went to Wal-Mart 2 years ago for the first time? If Oprah lives to be 80 I will drink poison.. That woman's health is not that great. I don't care if she is the richest bitch in the world, I can't stand her and she better not live to be 120. I don't think I can take 10 more years of her show... I just added how many days I have to live to be 120 and it would be 26,280 days it might not sound as much but that would mean I would have to pay bills 864 times and I hate paying bills 864 times sounds like a lot.. Again, if I reach the age of 90 I will be one lucky crazy woman...Over that age then I look for Dick Chaney's grandchild and go hunting with him, maybe he can shoot me.

I need candy and need to think of my teen age years.. OY VEY! Maybe not… too much drama... I'll just think of what I will do this weekend, drink wine, play with my guitar and relax...Where is my candy jar? I will tell you that Tia Bea will live to be 120...

Anonymous said...

you have always sneak eaten candy and you are sooooo skinny that you will live to be 150. i, by contrast, really only eat 1,200 calories a day so that i don't be come the goodyear blimp. think it is time to get really fat and happy. besides who wants to be part of the clean up crew for what is left of our economy?

Anonymous said...

You don't smoke, you don't eat fat, you drink 2 glasses of wine a day, you don't eat red meat and you eat tons of veges w/o dressing. You insist on 8 hours of sleep even if all the radios, TVs, fans, lights and ticking clocks within 1/2 mile are turned off. You run 3 times a week and ride your horse 3 times a week.

I suggest you begin to find interesting things to do when you get to 100.

Anonymous said...

Here's a problem of those in their late 90's/100's: finding the right magnification make-up mirror. Vain, you say? I say, ix-nay on looking like those scary, schizophrenic women (& some men, it's a fact) wandering around w/lipstick/eye liner where it shouldn't be...
I can live w/being shallow, just not w/inappropriate makeup.
Although, perhaps at that point, should I live so long, I'll be released from the tyranny of 'makeup.' Nah, probably not.