Do you watch porn? I don't . Does your dad? Mine does. And, is there psychological well being after catching your dad in the act? I read it's the largest industry on the internet, which surprised me for some reason. Was I thinking it was really Oprah? Sorry babe, the people like porn better. It appears millions of men/women are tuning in at all hours of the day and night. Is there an appropriate snack food? I dated a man who sat bleary eyed in front of his computer screen checking out the free sites. He was too cheap to pay, so who needed him anyway, right? Would you call this a hobby? Would you list it on a resume under "outside activities"? My dad's retired, so he doesn't have the resume dilemma. Whew.
I never knock when I visit my parents, everyone in the family has a key, so per usual I walked in unannounced, dog in tow, at approx. 3:00 p.m. There's dad in his giant lounge chair watching tv, and straight ahead on the screen was a porno movie. My dad is 87. What happened to Little Joe on "Bonanza"? Where's "The Sound of Music"? There's not a Von Trapp Family Singer in sight, just a blow job. Holy crap. I was torn between bursting into laughter and running out of the room screaming as I throw back Valium and rip out my pocket Freud. Well he saw me and jumped up as fast as he could (not fast enough), and fumbled with the clicker to get it off the screen. This took a lifetime. I looked down, and mumbled somethig about taking the dog out on the deck for air. It was me who needed the oxygen.
What does a daughter do next? Stay? Go? Ask him who his favorite porn star is? Call a care giver for myself? "Oh my God, oh my God" was all I could choke out as I paced the deck. Why me? Why not my sister? Why did she get special dispensation? I'm older I have less time to live joyfully. I had to call her and ruin her life too. Denial was my only move, and coincidentally it was my dads. He appeared on the deck with the same resolve....what movie? We made our usual "weather" small talk and then I fled.
I couldn't dial my sister fast enough. "Answer already!!" I'm screaming and pounding the phone on the dashboard like that will help her pick up. I get her machine. Damn. I couldn't be alone with this information, I had to tell someone, or everyone. I thought seriously about confiding in the guy behind the counter at the 7-11 when I stopped for a soda. Could he double as a counselor or exorcist? And why the hell wasn't my sister returning my call??? I ixnayed the clerk and called my friend Dan. I made his day. He laughed non-stop for ten minutes. I finally joined in and tears were streaming down my face I was laughing or crying so hard. Then he abruptly stopped and proclaimed, "I'll pay for the first three hours of analysis."
In the aftermath of my trauma I discovered that my tale of Freudian horror made a great story. Everyone loved it! Dad was cheered on by my friends. I'm shocked, and they're awed. Hey, what if it was your dad? Mine was a geriatric hero; near icon status in his demographic. I just can't get the "go dad" out yet.
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3 comments:
Just make sure the stove is turned off.
That is too funny, even though his is my uncle, I would have died laughing and then I would have said "I hope you are paying for that movie" Next time they are out of the house, look for the Viagra, it must be there, somewhere. Too funny.
I had a similar situation with my dad...except I'm a guy and was asleep in my parents guest room when at three in the morning I was awakened by the sound of someone "doing it" in the living room. I steathily slipped into their living room thrilled not to find my parent's "doing it" but instead seeing my father watching some porn star fake orgasm after orgasm. As soon as he spotted me he began to shake his head in disgust and said "do you see what they're showing on tv these days'. I merely responded, "guess you lost the remote, huh dad?" God bless him that he could still even be interested at age 79 unlike his friend Dave who told me that he looked down at himself in the shower one day and said, "Why did you have to die before me?" Oh well.
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