Chicken Little

Now that I know there were never weapons of mass destruction I can breathe a big sigh of relief. I also feel far more relaxed thinking our borders are secured from an invading Iraqi army. Thanks Mr. President, whew that was close! I need to talk about the real terror I feel however. I do believe there are terrorists among us. It's Orwellian in nature; they are lurking, waiting , watching ,busy preparing . I never feel ready or armed for what's coming. I'm always ambushed, caught off guard, innocently going about my day and then there's a voice on the radio or face on my tv screen and I want to scream, "no, no, don't say it, go away, leave me alone. Don't interrupt usually scheduled programming. Stop!."

I have fear of weathermen. They are my terrorists. In Chicago it seems not a day goes by without a weather "orange" level alert. SNOW! SNOW is coming! It's coming from Minnesota and it's white, very white, big, dangerous, slippery, deep, there have been deaths, pile-ups, and airport shutdowns. Thousands of flights have been cancelled already. You can't go anywhere, you'll be stuck for days, weeks, maybe the rest of your life. If you have a compromised immune system it'll be even worse. Huh? Oh my God , I need a Xanax, I need a hat. I hate hats, I look terrible in hats. I need mittens, I can never find pure wool mittens . They don't make them anymore without fingers inside. Mittens don't have fingers !!! I need dozens of pairs in case I loose one. I need boots. I have black silk heels, black patent leather wedgies with a little sexy ankle strap, I have ballet flats, I have pink flip-flops, I have red suede really high heels, I don't have boots. I want the Christian Leboutin sandals I saw in the Neiman's catalogue not ugly mini snow plows on my feet. I need sweaters, dozens of layers of sweaters for the frigid cold the terrorists say is coming. Coming fast, too fast to put on all the sweaters. How did Heidi do it? I need a parka. No wait ,I need two parkas. I can't wear an everyday parka with my cocktail dresses. Dolce or Gabanna, can you make me a party parka? I wonder if my mom saved my snow pants. I used to wear them under my skirts. Of course boys didn't like me. I think I can safely assume Heidi never had sex. I need food in the refrigerator in case the snow piles up in front of my door and I'm pushing and pounding on it and no one hears me for days and I can't get out! Scratch that image I live in an apartment on the 4th floor. But I don't have food. How long can I live on ice cubes and four bottles of red wine? I do have a nice Chianti. Oh wait, back behind the condiments I see a left-over turkey wing. I resist my urge to eat it right away.