Requiem for a Laptop

2016 was not even 12 hours old when disaster struck. I abandoned any thoughts of my New Year's resolutions earlier than planned and switched into a state of high anxiety. The day started out innocently enough, I dragged my sleepy sorry self over to my desk and turned on my laptop.  It just sat there dark and dead as a door nail.  Sweating, I screamed at it , "Why won't you start?" I stared intensely at the little machine as if magically I could will it on. Ever so slowly it flickered into existence but wouldn't connect to the internet. I plugged and unplugged every cord connected to the metal box. I did a virus check. I de-fragged. I have no idea what that meant but it sounded crucial. I clicked on all the icons that looked helpful and then I went searching for a baseball bat. "Work or die!" I yelled.

I was in techno-meltdown. I was short of breath and patience. I didn't know what I needed first: drugs, a martini , an Emergency Room, or Bill Gates. My friend Dennis tried to calm me down and suggested I take it to "Best Buy" for a check up. "Check up, I think it needs life support" I cried as I grabbed my laptop and hightailed it to the car. I was tempted to tie it to the bumper and drag it behind me. Thankfully even in my psycho state I knew that might feel cathartic but was counter-productive. I ran into the store mowing down everyone in my path. "Heads up I have a dying laptop."

I threw myself and the computer on the Geek Squad counter and burst into tears. "Help me Geeek man, I can't get on the internet, my Dell is trying to die." He ignored my histrionics and looked at the machine with consideration. "Ma'am this laptop is at least 5 years old." Uh oh, that sounded fatal. "Have you ever changed the battery or AC cord?" "No," I blushed in my techno-ignorance. "Well you should have by now. You could try that and we could give it a thorough check-up but that's a band-aid and not a cure." Not a cure? I needed a cure, a vaccine, a pill, a transplant. "I suggest you're better off putting the money in a new laptop." I think I lost consciousness. "New....computer...."I stuttered, as I saw the room start to spin. "Yes Ma'am." I wasn't ready to let my little Dell go; it was my first. A new computer might make my head explode. I learnedhow to copy and paste on this one. I finally figured out the paper clip symbol stands for "attach" and can actually do it without crying. Only last week I learned you could have more than one window open at a time.

Is there liturgy and proper funerary clothing for a laptop at the end? And how long after it's death is it appropriate to buy a new one?