Monday, January 10, 2011

My New Life of Dating Guppies

Middle age dating sucks. The days of "there are plenty of fish in the sea" have turned into "there are approximately four guppies in a toxic pond floating on their side." Sadly, even dating guppies requires time and energy. I constantly bemoan how much effort it takes to get ready: shower, wash hair, blow dry, make-up, pick an outfit, shoes, and purse, to say nothing of the ever present dilemma - to shave or not to shave my legs. These days that is saved for when I think there is a chance of having sex. I don't have to shop for razors very often. There's a shit load of pre-date work and the reward is a complete stranger I met on-line. Of course I would prefer to be fixed up by one of my friends but that never happens, not even once.

The only place to get a date these days is on an internet site, which at best is a complete crap shoot. I hate to gamble but 
 like to go out. I pick and choose as carefully as I can short of hiring a private investigator to pre-screen for me. Lately however, the best part of dating cyber-men has been coming home and thinking up fun nicknames for them. My evenings  have run the gamut from trying to stay awake to being taken on a dinner date without dinner. This could be depressing but for the joy of giving each of them a little pet name: Mr. Dinnerless Dinner Date, Mr. 1973, Mr. Sweatpants are for the Treadmill, Mr. Wake Me when the Check Comes, and Mr. Not Quite Divorced. This last nickname did not bring me joy.

" Mr. Not Quite Divorced" falls in the same category as being a little bit pregnant, my girlfriend Terry pointed out.  I couldn't help but wonder, did he forget he was still married? Is that a big "my bad?" His profile status said "divorced." Although if he wrote "not quite divorced" he'd be alone a lot. I think "Mr Not Quite Divorced" needs to come with a notarized letter from his almost ex wife stating that unless hell freezes over there is no way she would take him back.  And just out of of curiosity or as foreshadowing, her version of why they are splitting up. This could save me time and razor blades.  A "not quite divorced guppy" needs to swim in the "still married but miserable" pond. Thankfully I didn't shave my legs.

4 comments:

Dr. Ruth formally known as Viking Jen said...

Gail
You keep looking in the same places and you get the same result, what does that tell you? I say forget about dates, just go out and have fun.

I've been single now for a little while and believe me, I go out, I have fun, I meet people but I don't have any expectations of any kind nor am I looking for anything. I've met several people on dating sites and actually 3 of my closest friends I met through a dating site but I was not intending to date them just to meet them and see if I can develop a friendship.. BTW why is it that in the winter you go to California, to the land of the old farts and expect to find a young man or a man that doesn't wear Depends? You go to "THE" retiring mecca of the world. So stop looking, but I highly suggest you do get rid of your robe, you do shave, you do dress up and go out and have fun. FUN, don't talk, don't meet, just go and have fun. My theory is this: I love hanging out with myself, even though I am a people person, but IF I can't have fun doing things on my own and by myself then what do I bring to a full house table?.

Go out and let go of everything else, but please PLEASE PLEASE do get dressed every morning and enjoy the day and SHAVE, a woman that doesn't shave hmmm ok I can't tell you how bad that is.. SHAVE.. It takes less than 2 minutes.

You need a man? Get a sex toy and name him Frank or next time spend winter in Miami, lots of good looking men.

Better yet, go to a gay bar, men are gorgeous and they will buy you drinks and decorate your home and yes they will probably burn your robe but then again you won't expect a hot date but a call from them saying "come on girl lets go dance".

Enjoy sistah, enjoy yourself, leave the dating hunger to the side, let it be and let it live..

With love
DR Ruth (single, happy and not looking for crap)

gail maria said...

Dr. Ruth I love you. You oh grea Doctor are the dispenser of great advice - someday I'll actually do what you say because I know I would be a lot better off. I read it carefully but apparently don't heed it.

my deepest thanks,

Dr. Ruth formally known as Viking Jen said...

Gail. I love you too. Did you shave today? hahaha you wrote "You oh great Doctor are the dispenser of great advice" Can I have a Pez dispenser made just for me?

BTW here is some great advice about shaving. The best razor is "Cuatro" Maybe they spell it Quatro, not sure and I don't want to get up to go check). OMG so smooth. The blades are kind of expensive but they are worth every penny. And then for your skin to be nice and soft after a good shave, don't dry your body and put Baby oil. SMOOOOOTH. WARNING: DON'T EVER PUT BABY OIL IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX.Baby oil is not edible. Just FYI. (just don't let that stop you from shaving before sex, OK? (legs, arm pits and whatever else you want to shave, it's allllll Kosher)ENJOY!

With love Dr. Ruth

Cindy (Prime Beauty) said...

Gail,
I love your blog and your sense of humor. You not only take getting older in stride but approach it with a sense of adventure. I gave you a Bloggie Award!

http://www.primebeautyblog.net/the-bloggies/