"Hi Jesse, it's Mom, so how are you? Busy at the hospital? That's good I hope. I'm fine. I've been working hard on my blog and my Facebook page is really growing. Oh, and now I have a weekly radio show. It's called "YAK." Great name isn't it? The weather has been nice and warm. Ethan, Colby and Ross were here last week . We all went out to dinner..... (20 minutes later )... Well be sure and call me when you get this message." I hung up and ran directly for the Kettle One. OMG, it's undeniable and the evidence continues to mount - I'm becoming my Mother!
It drives me nuts when I walk in her house and she's on the phone chatting for 30 minutes before she speaks the tell tale words, " Ok darling call me when you get this message." "Mother, who talks to an answering machine that long?! No one in their right mind has a conversation with a machine." I shake my head in disbelief. She wags a finger of disapproval at me and asks if I'm staying for dinner. I've tried to listen to the endless messages she leaves me but after 10 minutes I'm tired of holding the phone to my ear. Although she has devised a foolproof method of making me pay attention until the end. It never fails her very last sentence is always "Gail, I have bad news call me." Her alternative ending is even trappier, "Gail , I have medical news call me right away." OY!
My son and I chuckle about the narratives she's capable of leaving on a machine. In truth after you listen to one there is no need to call back as she's already brought you up to speed. I was convinced I could never ever leave a 20 minute message - until I did. As hard as I try not to become like Mom, is it possible that's impossible?
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5 comments:
rest assured you are not your mother. you have, however, trained me to state my message in the first 5 seconds, such as: "do you want to make money" in one breath. Otherwise, i have noticed, you hit delete in one fluid move, play, delete. Which means, so does Jesse. Think of it this way, it is so much cheaper than 30 minutes with your therapist and you, unlike your mother, do not expect a response.
Hello,
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Dear Gail; REPEAT AFTER ME "I AM NOT MY MOTHER. I AM NOT MY MOTHER. I AM NOT MY MOTHER"... However I do want to mention that I LOVE your mother. I haven't seen her in years but she is way cool, she's been my favorite aunt, even though I never call but maybe I should and leave her a 45 minute message, that's IF I haven't had a glass of wine because then, just for kicks, I would keep that message going until I my battery dies.
My Mother, my darling mom when she calls me and leaves me a message it goes like this "Jen? This is your mother... Lorraine" then she keeps going but she doesn't leave a 10-minute message.
Three things I want o bring up to light.
1) When you put anyone's number on your cell phone you have to give them a name like Mom or Cousin Gail and when cousin Gail or Mom calls, guess what? Before you answer it say "MOM" and if you leave a message and I check my phone to see if anyone called, it shoes missed calls and yup MOM or Cousin Gail, so why is there a need to say "Hi Jesse, this is your mom" He knows it's you, your name is displayed, unless, of course, you are calling a home phone but not too many people have those anymore.
2) This is for my dear mother, I know your voice mom, I've been hearing it for the past 50 3/4 years and btw I think I know my mother's name by heart, sometimes I feel like saying "OMG MOM YOUR NAME IS LORRAINE? Why the hell didn't you tell me your real name is Lorraine?
3) I thank the inventors of the cell phone and the crew for adding a forward button on my cell phone and also the delete button (7) two of my most used keys on my phone. and Gail, Gail Gail Gail darling! You are not your mother honey, don't worry. Jesse has to worry, his Grand Mother leaving him a 30-minute message and now his mom? HIS OWN MOM? I hope he has the "unlimited minutes package"
Like one of my closest drag queen friends used to say "Honey is this message really worth $.35 a minute?
Next time Gail, once you find yourself wanting to leave a 30 minute message on someone’s phone, think about one thing; 15, 20, 25, 30 or above minutes message can cause blindness, just like our parents used to tell us about masturbation. And btw not even masturbation takes that long.
Love and peace
Dr. J Ruth
Dr. Ruth you CRACK ME UP DARLIN'! I should always heed your advice even when I don't need it. HA! "Bea" shows up on my cell phone and I screen her out much of the time but then I feel guilty and call her back...guilt always wins. And yes it's very good to know that long messages can cause blindness...I MUST REMEMBER THAT.
I'm tellin your mother what you said.
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