I confess it was heartbreaking. Call me shallow, superficial, vain, and obviously delusional, but I never thought a bartender could ruin my life. I was happily sitting at the bar of my Seattle hotel, sipping a mediocre yet expensive Sauvignon Blanc, looking out at the incredible view across the water and gleefully anticipating my longed for salmon dinner. I had a new shiney cell phone, and hallelujah the 2,200 mile schlep across country was behind me. I was in a cute little black dress, strappy high heels, had put on make-up, blown dry my hair,and shaved my legs, yes, both of them...sometimes I lose interest by the second one. I'm thinkin' I looked pretty cute.
Then it struck me. Exactly like the moment I realized no one called me "miss" anymore...one day out of the freaking clear blue I was "ma'am". Wham! Pow, right in the kisser, I'm dubbed "ma'am". "You talkin' to me"? I'm not a "ma'am", I' CAN'T BE "MA'AM"! Aren't I too young? Quick a mirror, I needed a mirror, the witness protection program, a plastic surgeon! My mother is a "ma'am". That older woman over there, but not me! Crap. The loss of "miss" was a milestone. Do men suffer this way?
After ordering my second glass of wine, three twenty something blond girls walked up to the bar to pay their tab. Ok, ok, I admit, they were "hotties". I would kill for their wrinkle free complexions and perky skin tone. The bartender proceeded to tell them about "happy hour and free champagne on Saturday", practically pleading with them to come back and bring their friends. "Excuse me, I'll still be at the hotel on Saturday", I wanted to blurt out. What was I "chopped liver"? What about me? Was I invisible or remind him of mom? This couldn't be happening.... I was too old for happy hour!? Quick more wine. Suddenly I had lost my desire for salmon. Oy! Then the bartender turned to me and smiled....ah ha, he obviously forgot to tell me.... I felt relieved and much much better... all that anxiety for nothing. "Ma'am would you like to close out your tab"?
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When MAM & SIR come into your life - By Neil Nobody.
Let me see if I can splain to you how that works - miss. I've seen you in that black dress. My guess is you looked better than the blonds - miss.
Anyway, if you're a man you're out there changing the word. People look up to you, wish they were you. When you come out of your office or visit a branch all faces turn your way. Everything you say is correct - nothing is contested. You're a 1K flier and belong to the Red Carpet Club.
Then one day you're invited to a party - outside of Paris, no less! Don't worry about the usual dull meetings, they say. It's going to be fun, they say.
It is! The chairman says wonderful things about you. Some of the board members are there. You never knew they felt this way. You're gonna to ask for way more money at raise time.
Then you begin hearing things about being missed. Is someone going someplace? Did someone get fired? Oh well - they just gave you a plaque and it's not your problem.
Next morning you check out of your hotel, not realizing the desk clerk just gave you the last respectful smile you will ever get.
On the plane ride home it becomes clearer to you - you have just been screwed!! They call it retired. There won't be another raise time! You're just another old fart for whom "the bell tolled". Endless golf. The way it used to be. Watching Geraldo Rivera, Jerry Springer and Oprah.
No one gives a crap about what you say and you're never right. You forget to shave one morning and begin wearing "those outfits". The striped pants with the checkered jacket and a paisley shirt 3 sizes too big for your neck.
You've been SIRED.
Ok Gail.. Ma'am is bad, maybe the bartender was from the South, it's a sign of respect you know? However I don't think too many bartenders would respect a single woman at a hotel bar wearing a sexy dress and blow dry hair, sexy lip stick while drinking wine on her own. You can always say you are there in business...
You know what's worse than being called Ma'am? When I go to a bar and the bartender says to me "What can I get you SIR?" SIR? I do NOT have a flat chest; my size C breast shows… women do wear short hair… could it be the shirt I am wearing? Maybe, but I am proud of “my nice and perky girls", my cup C boobs with a nice cleavage and I'll be damn if I don't follow Bette Midler's words "When you got them flaunt them!!! FLAUNT THEM!!!"
Once the bartender looks at my nice cleavage he says "Oh sorry, Ma'am" and I say "Oh, young boy, Sir sounds better than Ma'am... Ma'am sounds old and I am not old, do you think I am old enough to be a Ma'am?" Once I make him feel like crap and drop his 27 years old status to a boy status either I get drink on the house or the guy sitting next to me stares at my cleavage, both results are FABULOUS because either way I get a free drink or two, one from the bartender and one from the naughty married man who's wife is in Nashville tending to her grandchildren while he travels for work and wants to get laid, those kind of men usually call me Honey... Honey, another word I can't stand coming from a man and for sure not from anyone that doesn't know me or have slept with me... Just call me Ms. of Miss, or just a simple "can I get you a drink" or "What's your name?" and I usually say " My name is Stevie, that really messes them up, specially when I tell them I had surgery and my bronze testicles are on my shelve at work and I paid 15000.00 to get the cleavage I have" and then I turn to the nasty single married man and ask "Is your wife cute? Maybe I should buy her a drink”...
To tell you the truth, I am the biggest flirt you probably will ever know, and when you flirt and call a man a boy or ask the naughty man if his wife is cute, it doesn’t really bother them, they just focus on the flirting and everything else sounds great to them. They keep buying me drinks so I can end up in their room for the night … Dream on sucker, now if it was his wife and she was cute, I would consider I and then she could call me honey…
Ma'am should be taken off the dictionary and. by the way, I also hate the word Madam, why do I hate that word? Because I would have to own a few whores and I don't, I would be filthy rich if I did and that would make my day...
Ok Miss Gail, you take care and next time you hear someone call you Ma'am slap them OR show them your cleavage, you will get free drinks all night long and then the Ma'am part won't mean a damn thing.
Must leave you now, gotta go shopping for new sexy bras. Gotta go get a free drink somewhere... Four Seasons hotel here I come...Want to meet me there? I;'ll be the one with the nice cleavage sitting next to the ugliest richest man at the bar.. thank Goodness I like girls but don't tell him that, he'll want me to call my girlfriend and have her come over.. NOT!
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