Do you watch porn? I don't. Does your dad? Mine does. And, is there psychological well being after catching your dad in the act? I read it's the largest industry on the internet, which surprised me for some reason. Was I thinking it was really Oprah? Sorry babe, the people like porn better. It appears millions of men/women are turning in at all hours of the day and night. Is there an appropriate snack food? I dated a man who sat bleary eyed in fron of his computer screen checking out the free sites. He was too cheap to pay, so who needed him anyway, right? Would you call this a hobby? Would you list it on a resume under "outside activities"? My dad's retired, so he doesn't have the resume dilemma. Whew!
I never knock when I visit my parents, everyone in the family has a key, so per usual I walked in unannounced, dog in tow, at approx 3:00 p.m.
There's dad in his giant lounge chair watching tv, and straight ahead on the screen was a porno movie. My dad is 89. What happened to Little Joe
on "Bonanza"? Where's "The Sound of Music"? There's not a Von Trapp Family Singer in sight, just a blow job. Holy crap. I was torn between bursting into laughter and running out of the room screaming as I throw back Valium and rip out my pocket Freud. Well he saw me and jumped up as fast as he could (not fast enough), and fumbled with the clicker to get it off the screen. This took a lifetime. I looked down, and mumbled something about taking the dog out on the deck for air. It was me who needed the oxygen.
What does a daughter do next? Stay? Go? Ask him who his favorite porn star is? Call a care giver for myself? "Oh my God, oh my God" was all I could choke out as I paced the deck. Why me? Why not my sister? Why did she get special dispensation? I'm older I have less time to live joyfully! I had to call her and ruin her life too. Denial was my only move, and coincidentally it was my dad's. He appeared on the deck with the same resolve...what movie? We made our usual "weather" small talk and then I fled.
I couldn't dial my sister fast enough. "Answer already"!!! I'm screaming and pounding the phone on the dashboard like that will make her pick up. I got her machine. Damn. I couldn't be alone with this information, I had to tell someone, or everyone. I thought seriously about confiding in the guy behind the counter at the 7-11 when I stopped for a soda. Could he double as a counselor or exorcist? And why the hell wasn't my sister returning my call?? I ixnayed the clerk and called my friend Dan. I made his day. He laughed non-stop for ten minutes. I finally joined in and tears were streaming down my face I was laughing or crying so hard. Then he abruptly stopped and proclaimed, "I'll pay for the first three hours of analysis."
In the aftermath of my trauma I discovered that my tale of Freudian horror made a great story. Everyone loved it. Dad was cheered on by my friends. I'm shocked and they're awed. Hey, what if it was your dad? Mine was a geriatric hero; near icon status in his demographic. I just can't get the "go dad" out yet.
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