It's really hard to pee in a cup. If there's a trick to it, I'm clueless. This creates enormous anxiety when I go to the doctor and the first place they point me is the bathroom. Oh God, not the cup! Anything but the cup! And why, why, why are they so small? Come on now Doc, it's not a precise activity for us females, how about a bowl? Men have it much easier, even with shaky hands I can't imagine it has a high degree of difficulty. All they have to do is stay awake and keep their eyes open.
I found myself taking the dreaded walk to the bathroom at my Internist's office yesterday. You'd think after years of experience at the Ob-Gyn, I'd have some level of skill and accuracy. Nope. So there I was reading the directions on the wall. This was the first time I've ever seen such specific instructions. My Gynecologist's nurse says "there's the cup, pee, and leave it on the shelf". Now I was staring at a step by step list of what to do. I'm not good at following rules and felt panicked. There was a lovely basket of tiny cups with little blue lids; a nice Martha Stewart touch. "Martha I need help babe! Is your aim better than mine?" And is there a class I can take? There was also a bowl of packaged towelettes for pre-peeing purposes. I couldn't get one of the tightly sealed packets opened. I grew anxious and looked around for the Xanax basket. When I finally tore it open with my teeth, the towel dropped on the floor. My first instinct was to just pick it up and continue....I opened another one. In my rush to get done, I dropped the cup I was holding. My first instinct was to just pick it up...
Profusely sweating and slightly dizzy, but with new cup in hand, I was ready. I always think I'm in the correct general area but it's really hit or miss. "Miss" really sucks. And yes, I've missed. Obviously I know instantly. It is a sad, pitiful and embarrassing moment. Thank God I'm alone. I pray I'm not the only one who has this problem. Yesterday I was lucky, first time on target. I did have to write my name on the label twice as my nerves were still jangled and I couldn't remember how to spell "Gail". Finally and triumphantly I placed the cup on the shelf. I was proud. Now I can relax until Sept. when I'm due for my Ob-Gyn check-up. And "no" I don't practice between appointments.
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I am a pro when it comes to peeing in cups... I have to say that only once did my doc asked me to pee in a cup, however, every job I have been hired for I have to pee in a cup, drug test you know? Now THAT is stressful, you start thinking, hmmm I ate brownies last weekend, were they "special brownies?" I hung out with pot heads, would that mess up my test? OH NO I ate poppy seed bread, THAT WILL SCREW MY RESULTS?... It's amazing how my brain is still paranoid from my pot smoking days and even with that stress I still aim and hit the cup.. Except one time long time ago.. I applied fro a bartender job at a brand new resort in Dallas, I wanted to work for that hotel since the day the city said they were going to build it, so I waited and waited and days before the interview I met a couple of friends, we got a bit wild and yes I smoked a nice looking J.
I went to the resort thinking it would only be an interview for a bartending position.. I stood with 500 other people who wanted to join the hotel... I met with the Food and Beverage Director, he liked me, I liked him and he knew my ex boss and I had a very good reputation "So Jen, can you start in 2 weeks?" The offer was THERE... I said "ABSOLUTELY!", he stood up and said "Great, follow me" and as a good girl that I am, I followed... I walked into a room, there were ladies and gents in white robes, one came to me and said "Follow me" I did and then I saw the door, "here fill out this information, take this cup and go into that bathroom, make sure you fill the bottle up to this mark"..OH NNNNOOOOOOOO FUC* ME, I'll flunk the damn drug test? what? I asked the lady if I could have some water because I really didn't want to pee, she gave me a glass of water and I waited... I wanted to pee but was trying to figure out how I could come back... I grabbed the glass, pulled down my pants and peed... I was praying to God to let me just have this chance (I don't pray at all so that was a desperate cry for help, that's for sure) I put the cap on my cup, walked out to give her the warm cup and she said "oh no, you didn't get it to this line, you will have to do it again" My thoughts were, OH NO I HAVE TO PRAY AGAIN????....
I did get the bartending job and believe me the next time I went for interviews I was 100% sure that my pee was clean, not too clean cos too clean is worse...
Next time I'll ask them to take a hair sample, that's better... Cost a lot more but peeing in a cup is really disgusting...Men, they have it easy, whip it out, aim and shoot, those bastards! They can pee anywhere... I want a hose attachment, either that or just cut my hair...
It's always good to fill out the label first, I've learned :-0
I will never understand why they don't make BIGGER CUPS. That would make it so much easier, if you could just hold the whole thing up to your body! Anyway, this entry made me laugh! Especially the part about the "Xanax basket". I wanted to share this with your readers - I just found the best thing ever for dealing with nighttime hot flashes: ChiliPad It's a mattress pad that safely and efficiently cools the bed. You can set any temperature from like 46 to 115 degrees - and it really works! It even had a remote control and build in timer - I have mine set so it warms up in the morning (I often wake up cold after being steaming the whole night). The website specifically recommends it for hot flashes.
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