No! No. NO! It couldn't happen. I survived eight states, 3 chicken caesar salads, two nights on 100 thread count sheets, and just when at long long last I reached my Seattle hotel room, my cell phone died. Dead. Doa. I burst into tears and threw myself on the bed in a fit of despair. Why me? Why now? Why why why when all I wanted was a piece of salmon?!?! I was soaking wet and in a towel when I made this shocking discovery. Crap. I can't live without a cell phone. It's the 21st century, I needed to communicate 24/7. I found myself screaming "I hate you" at the dead object. After I regained sanity I grabbed a pair of my ratty gym shorts (that are never supposed to be worn in public), pink flip flops, the shredded t-shirt I sleep in and ran down to the lobby dressing as I went. All bets of propriety/decency were off.
The concierge found the nearest AT&T store for me after I promised to finish putting on my clothes. I jumped in a cab , clutching my old cell. "I never dropped you! I kept you dry and away from large bodies of water, and this is what I get"?! I crossed two lanes of traffic and ran into the phone store throwing myself on the mercy of the man behind the counter. "Luis" was calm and thankfully didn't have me taken away in an ambulance . "Help me Luis! I need my phone numbers, my messages, SALMON"! He was so patient and I was so nuts. An hour later I left the store with a shiney red phone, a pile of re-bate paper work and his card. He sweetly told me to come back if I needed assistance as he'd be available nightly until 7:00.
I loved my new phone. It was sleek and had a lot of useless options. Most importantly I was back in the world of 24 hour communication. Except....the phone got hotter and hotter and HOTTER every time I used it. I felt like my hand was going to catch on fire. Was my little red phone a "weapon of mass destruction"? I hightailed it back to Luis at 6:45 the next night. "Andy" was at his desk? "Where's Luis, I cried... I need him, he promised he'd be here until 7:00"! "Luis had to go home to his wife", Andy calmly responded as he watched me sweat and pace. "But what about me"?! Who cared about his wife, it wasn't 7:00 yet! Andy patiently heard the tale of my little red "WMD", nodding patronizingly. He nicely took the phone from my hand and replaced it with a new silver model. "Can you set it up like Luis did", I whined. But Andy was on to me, " I bet you're pretty good at getting people to do things for you. I know your type". Hmmmm little Andy must have been a psych major. He was right but I liked him anyway.
I'd been in Seattle for two days...I had two new cell phones, two men who I thank for not calling the paramedics and no salmon.
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4 comments:
First of all - it's Amos and Andy. Secondly people are supposed to personify objects when they piss you off. Thirdly you get wild Alaskan salmon at Costco - you don't have to go all the way to Seattle for it.
Fourthly - good blog. Glad you're back in action.
OMG!!! Thank goodness for Andy and Luis... 2 weeks ago I was laying by the pool and I finished talking on the phone with my girlfriend. 5 minutes later I decided it was getting too hot and jumped in the water. Two cute women were there so I decided to show off my swimming skills, I swam, did the butterfly stroke, back stroke, went from one side of the pool to the other holding my breath under water, I consider myself an excellent swimmer and I showed off my Mark Spits skills (showing my age?) After showing off to those women, I decided to get out of the pool, shook my hair from one side to the another just like they do on Bay Watch, got back to my lounge chair, opened a bottle of beer and lay there, looking so "posh" showing off my sharp muscles on my legs. Thne I decided to call my girlfriend again.. Hell where did my phone go??? I looked under my chair, inside my shoes, no where to be found… WHERE IS MY PHONE? My phone went swimming with me and DIED UNDER WATER? I DROWNED THE POOR THING?!?!?!?!?! OMG! Did God punish me for flirting? That's what my next door neighbor said to me an my response was "Don't blame God, blame my stupidity" I am a pro when it comes to swimming and flirting but I had a lapsus brutus a.k.a brain fart..
I ran to T-Mobile store 30 minutes before the closed, my phone was 3 years old anyway, I had the chance to get a new one for free.. FREE? Nope, you have the choice of two, only two kind of phone, one really crappie and the other one less crappie I had to pay $19.00 for a not-so- nice phone plus $18.00 for reconnection, thank God that the SIM card works, SIM cards are water proof I guess. The new crappiola phone my new crappie phone did not have a picture of handcuffs for when Gloria calls it shoes the handcuffs (there new thing to know about me) I had a choice, get the free phone I liked from their website and get it delivered in 2 days OR get this crappie looking phone at the store and be able to connect with my girlfriend and my own little world, somehow the idea of not being without my kidney, I mean my phone for 2 days elevated my stress level to the max, I think I even got hives just from the idea of not having a way to connect with MY PEOPLE, Hives, yes Hives and I’ve never had hives before … I paid the $37.00 for old looking phone and connection, went home and called my girlfriend… “Honey when you call me the handcuffs are not there!” “WHAT?” she said “NO Handcuffs? Oh that sucks!” I went on T-Mobile website and called customer service... We went over the free phones I can get from the website, my question was, yes I like this purple phone, and does it have the handcuffs?” Sandy (the Customer Service lady) said “Handcuffs?” “Yes Sandy, you know how you can set ‘MyFavorites’ to when they call a picture pops up? I NEED the handcuffs” “yes Jen, you will have to pay 1.99 for the handcuffs to pop every time that person calls” 1.99 is worth it.. I used the crape phone without handcuffs for 2 days till my new purple flip phone with handcuffs image popper arrived… I am a happy girl now. Oh by the way, I came to find out that the women I was showing my Mark Spits skills were married, straight and with 3 kids each, If I’ve known that I would probably just sat at the edge of the pool and got my feet wet and paid attention to where my phone was but anyway I needed a new one… Things happen for a reason right?
Moral of the story: Cell phones are NOT water proof… I can flirt, swim and run out of the pool like Bay Watch girls do, just make sure that the phone is in dry land and first look for the wedding band on their fingers... Not that I was going to ask them out since I do have a girlfriend, but just in case, I always try to be ready fro what the future might bring.. This time it brought me a phone that not only you can choose handcuffs but also a whip, leather pants or a Martini glass… Since I can put 5 people on my network favorites’ picture thing, I am all happy that I can add those new pictures to my crazy closets friends.
OH! OH! OH! I have another idea.. Next time that happens, stick your head outside the window and yell "NINE ONE OOOOONE I NEED HELLLP!" And while you are at it yell "AND BRING ME SALMON WITH A BOTTLE OF WINE AND A SHOT OF VODKA, CHILLED PLEASE" The Vodka is for me, ok maybe three shots of vodka, I am sure Luis and Andy would love one..I am sure Seattle has food delivery service and 911 service. If they don't then just yell out "COFFEEEEEEEEE" I am sure one is just around the corner and if they don't hear you that's because either you are not yelling loud enough of Seattle people and rude and they just don't give a damn... I do, I would bring your phone, salmon and run away with the bottle of wine.. Not to worry, I'll leave you with the vodka. Cheers!
Your blog is very funny! And I think helpful for menopausal women, that's for sure. And here is the comment I left for you on Vibrant Nation re: social networking:
I feel that it takes some time to build a brand, even if or maybe especially if, that brand is you. I made a conscious decision not to share day to day details unless it served some purpose bigger than that detail. I first had to figure out "What is my purpose for social networking?"
Now for some, the purpose is to keep connected with friends and family (and it is a nice side benefit for me, too.) But I had to say to myself "What is my vision?" I went through this process before I began blogging a couple years ago. I THOUGHT my purpose was to get parts of my book out there and drum up interest in it. Turned out my purpose evolved into spreading wisdom from menopausal women to others confronting the BIG M. So when I thought about Twitter and Facebook, it was about reaching out to more women and expanding the virtual community. And until I could see that, I didn't try it. Once I saw value as related to my vision, then it made sense to work on the social networking.
So even if they are personal tidbits, my tweets and posts have to pass the test of being of some use to midlife and menopausal women.
That said, you ask some very interesting questions! I'll post them on my blog and see if we get some responses! Stay tuned. I think you are speaking for a lot of women.
Good luck to you from the menopause goddess. (Have you considered monetizing your blog? So far I've chosen not to, but that may change, and you say you'd like to get paid for it, so it might be a thought. And you can Tweet etc to drive more traffic to it.")
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