I can count backwards from 1,965. It takes 3 days and two nights. I'm talkin' the number of miles between Chicago and Palm Springs and they do not go faster if you count each and every one of them as you drive. After five minutes in the car.... whoopee and holy crap only 1,964 to go! The best analogy to driving across the country is giving birth. It seems like a good idea at the time, but it really really sucks, then you magically forget and do it again. I vowed to never again forget but there I was behind the wheel. Not alone however, I have too much anxiety to go it solo. I find absolutely no peace or excitment in the "open road", only slow excruciating arm chewing torture. I needed help, I could not possibly go all the way to California without ruining three days of someone else's life also.
Whining and begging are my specialties and after days/weeks of both I got my friend Dan to drive with me. Oh, before I forget, it was on the condition that we do not spend the night in a motel room with a kitchenette. Huh? Odd request, but hey, maybe he was utensil phobic. Or I'm a moron. He remembered I hadn't yet acheived my 2008 New Year's resolution to have sex in the kitchen (see Dec 22nd blog "Quick before it's 2009") "Ok, ok," I promised... but I've re-listed it for 2009.
I am not a good road person. If Dan hadn't been navigating I would have ended up spending the winter in Memphis. AAA road maps were flying everywhere and I couldn't understand the directions in the Trip Tix to save my life. Right turn, left turn, half turn, bear slightly north, look for int.state hwy 17, not to be confused with 17A....help!!! Dan yelled at me to get the opened map out of his face while he was drivng and my solution was to crumple it into a ball. No, I don't have the patience or motor skill to fold a map. Time did not fly in Illinois, Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona or California. It went really, really, really slow. Really slow. Btw, I discovered Dan snores and he discovered I get up to pee alot. I did have one exceptionally happy moment...finding gas in southern Missouri for $1.35 a gallon. Tears of joy streamed down my face as I filled the tank. Finally Tuesday December 30 at 1:00 I had counted down to 0. 1,965 miles were behind me and wait a sec, I almost freaking forgot....ahead of me. Any volunteers for the trip back in March? No kitchenettes, I promise.
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3 comments:
That is a riot Gail. Sounds like it should be a great winter in Palm Springs. If you drive through Colorado on the way back you have a house to stay in, but it does have a kitchen in it!!!
Michele
All of us in Illinois are glad that you made it safely to California - or was that everyone in Illinois is glad you're in California. Oh. What's the difference - you're there safely.
I would stay away from Colorado on the way back. That other anonymous seems too easy - or eager. He probably just had his house remodeled with three new kitchens.
That must have been quite a sight in Missouri - gas pumping, mascara running, Dan checking for kitchenless motels...$1.35 a gallon!! Did everyone in that town own a Humvee?
Let's hope you keep us all entertained with blogs in 2009. Have fun in California. Let us know when you're coming back.
Next time call me, I love long drives and while I am your driver, you can sit in the back seat, do your nails, your blog and sing "99 bottles of beer on the wall" to me while I drive. I don't mind motels with kitchens. And btw what do you mean you've never had sex in the kitchen? Wow! Try it you'll like it, just make sure and stove oven are turned off and don't get close to the wine glass rack and after you try the kitchen then try it in the laundry room, amazing how much fun is to sit on top of the dryer while it's spinning. Hope 2009 is filled with fun, sex and lots of good wine and keep your blog going.
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