Maybe Uncle Sam Wants Me

I am clearly an idiot. Or just too old for the internet. I still don't get it, as hard as I try. I have so many passwords I can't remember which one goes where or what my "user name" is on any freaking account. The morning is obviously not going well. In a desperate attempt to link this blog to other blogs and get more reader traffic I did a google search on the topic. Wait a sec while I breathe into a paper bag....that helps with hyperventilating doesn't it? How about a plastic bag? I started this project feeling relaxed and confident that with a little effort I could figure out how to expand in the blogoshere or whatever planet they call it. I found a helpful site that let's you join for free and yep, I'm all about free. I was ready to sign up. I was still calm and felt proud my research seemed to be paying off. All I had to do was join.

When did joining become impossible? I joined the Brownies, Girl Scouts, Art Institute, Museum of Contemporary Art, Illinois Hunter Jumper Association,and AARP (the only difficult part there was admitting I was old enough to join). All these organizations wanted was my name, address and money. There was no user name, profile name and secret password! I'm not trying to join the CIA for God's sake. Which btw is probably easy these days. Who has this many names? Who wants this many names? I'm a member of AARP, I can't be expected to remember these names. And forget the suggestion of writing them down....I have no idea where I write them and which group of names is for which account. This sucks. And do these freaking web-sites help you? The words "invalid user name" kept popping up over and over and over and over. The blood was draining from my face . I was sitting in front of the computer screen how could I be "invalid"? What was wrong with my user name? What do you mean I'm not valid!!!!! I clicked on "help" but there was no help, just a list of suggestions. I NEEDED A PHONE NUMBER. I needed to talk to a real person. I longed to complain to a real person with one name. I took a deep breath and tried again to fill in the "name" blanks . I struggled to breathe slowly and steadily as I clicked "continue". " Invalid User Name " reappeared. I was crazed, on the verge of hysteria. I tried every user name I've ever used. I tried dozens of combinations of passwords I've concocted to placate my computer. INVALID USER NAME was all I got for my effort.

Who am I? I'm invalid with no secret password, thinking of joining the CIA.