Look a gift horse in the mouth

Don't accept any gifts from my Dad. Oh, I'm not jealous or trying to butt in, but I am trying to spare you shock and disappointment. For example, he recently gave me a vacuum cleaner. It's an odd gift, but I needed one. He handed me a small well designed Hoover that he wasn't using . He did mention in passing, if I didn't lean it against a wall it would fall over. Oh well, a small price to pay for a free vacuum. They are expensive and don't provide much purchase happiness. Thank God I don't have a cleaning lady as she would have lost all respect for me. It looked like a vacuum , it sounded like a vacuum, and I pushed it around the rug like a vacuum. I noticed however, that pieces of dirt I had gone over were still there. Dog hair remained on the floor. A few small clumps of lint stayed exactly where I thought I had sucked them up. Nothing had changed and I had been whizzing around for 15 minutes. I circled the rooms again,and again, pushing the stupid vacuum harder and harder, as if that would help. Sadly, and almost in tears, I leaned it against a wall and cleaned by hand. Yes, one dog hair at a time; Dad, you devil.

While I'm issuing warnings...avoid my Mother bearing gifts also. Sorry, I know they look good. I was freezing my butt off this winter, aka "the winter from hell". I ranted and raved to anyone who would listen, I needed a fur coat to keep warm. Wow, Mom offered the one she had hanging in her hall closet, as it had been replaced by another model. I almost burst into tears of happiness when I tried it on and it fit. I was psyched, bring on the cold, I've got the big old mink . I didn't even care if animal rights people threw vegetables at me, I was warm... sling those tomatoes. I wore it twice before a sleeve fell off. I had gently placed it on a soft pink satin hanger and it went right through the arm. I almost fainted. How could that happen? It was twelve degrees outside and I had a mink coat with one arm. I rushed it to the tailor who sewed it back together before the temperature dropped any lower. I was saved and toasty again.

I was happily having coffee with Dan when he pointed to my coat and said, "what's that?" "Huh?" I looked down only to see a giant rip down the other sleeve! Crap. Back to the tailor who shook her head and sighed, "Too dry, too dry" and proceeded to show me all the other little holes. "Ordinarily I charge $20 to sew, but for you , so many holes,$8.00". I queried my mother, who admitted she hadn't stored it in the summers because it cost $70. The coat was practically beef jerky. Mom, you're a trickster.

Like I said, don't take the gifts.