Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Mirror Mirror on the Wall I'm so Screwed

OMG just when I thought getting up and looking in the mirror couldn't get any worse I've discovered everyone I know may soon be able to see me first thing in the morning too. Confused? I'm innocently having a nice dinner with my friend Jay and his IT guy Anthony when I noticed they're on the phone to each other. Yes we're all at the same table but they were playing with their new fun toy iPhone4. All of a sudden Jay shoves the little device at me and says "Look, 'Face Time' - it's the future." Lord have mercy on my soul there's his face on the screen and then Anthony's who he was calling. I might have burst into tears or spit out my taco I can't remember. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? If people can see me when we're on the phone? It means I will need make-up on, hair combed, and in presentable clothes from the minute I wake up until the second I fall asleep. No more ripped gray gym shorts , ratty ponytail, or yesterday's mascara running down my face in the morning. Who am I kidding, that's how I spend half the day. Life in my schleppy clothes will be over. It's like a dagger in my heart.

I'll be visable 24/7! That is a personal nightmare. It will be hell and I love to talk on the phone. If "Face Time" is the future I won't be taking or making calls. What will I do? I'd need help - a live in make-up artist and hair stylist ready to go go go the minute I get up. "Oh god the phone's ringing!" I run to the mirror and realize there is no freaking way I can answer. I grab a cocktail dress out of my closet and put it on over my boxer shorts and ripped t-shirt. But wait, I wore that dress yesterday on the phone. I fling the dress and myself on the bed and start sobbing. I want desperately to answer, I feel the need to talk but can't let anyone see me like this. The pressure and stress mount. I CAN'T TAKE IT. I throw the phone across the room and long for the days of my powder blue princess phone. It's 9:00 a.m.and I'm making a martini to calm my jangled nerves. I hate the future.

My dinner with Jay and IT boy Anthony was ruined. I was reeling from the stress of "Face Time" and a bad taco. Don't call me and I promise not to call you.

6 comments:

Viking Jen Jen said...

Ok so you don't want to "Face time" here is a solution, well I won't give it to you as a solution but in multiple ways of seeing this problem.
1) If you don’t like "American Idol" change the channel.
2) If you don't like gay's in the military then leave
3) If you don't like "face time" then don't buy the phone.
OR take a picture of your face all done with makeup etc, go to Kinkos and make a live size photo of it, when your phone rings then put that picture in front of your face and KBAM! problem solved OR go to a tattoo artist and have make-up tattoo your face, you will always wake up looking like you are going out to a night show AND you won't be putting all those gross chemicals on your skin, or do like I do, never wear make-up, always smile and don't give a damn what people think. That has worked for me for 50 years and people tell me I am cute. OR have your mom answer the phone, she’s always looking good.

Viking Jen Jen said...

Ok so you don't want to "Face time" here is a solution, well I won't give it to you as a solution but in multiple ways of seeing this problem.
1) If you don’t like "American Idol" change the channel.
2) If you don't like gay's in the military then leave
3) If you don't like "face time" then don't buy the phone.
OR take a picture of your face all done with makeup etc, go to Kinkos and make a live size photo of it, when your phone rings then put that picture in front of your face and KBAM! problem solved OR go to a tattoo artist and have make-up tattoo your face, you will always wake up looking like you are going out to a night show AND you won't be putting all those gross chemicals on your skin, or do like I do, never wear make-up, always smile and don't give a damn what people think. That has worked for me for 50 years and people tell me I am cute. OR have your mom answer the phone, she’s always looking good.

Anonymous said...

Well, you could look on the bright side - when that blind date calls to get together, you'll know what he looks like before the big "surprise" at the restaurant or bar (since all match.com etc photos probably are not the most "current" photo.
Also, you could always put your thumb over the little camera eye while you're talking!

Anonymous said...

I'm callin! I'm callin a bunch o times. But that doesn't matter, you only own three dresses and everybody will know in four days.

I got it! Purchase dress tops, no dress front tops - inexpensive, easy to slip on the back straps and always look good. Better yet let's SELL them. They can come with hoodies that look like hair. We can give away one wig for every ten dresses!

You would be like Lady (madam) Chenell - did I spell that right? Oh, who cares this could be big.

Renee said...

Ah yes. The future. I can hardly wait.
Oh, I don't have to wait! It's here!

Lol, yep it's a scary thought. Although I'm one of the non make up people. My morning face is lacking some...muscle tone?
And I hope everyone is all about my purple flannel jammies! Cause if I'm not working. I'm going to be comfy. So I guess all those bill collectors, donation phishers and wrong numbers will just have to deal with it.

gail maria said...

Viking Jen Jen: once again you rock darlin' in the advice department - and why do we need Dr. Ruth when we have you! You are the Dr. Ruth of gonepausal