Crap, another new year looms. It's resolution time again. The pressure to resolve something, anything ,mounts and I can't even remember what I resolved or didn't resolve last year. I know for certain I didn't vow to lose weight, but I think I did anyway. I'm sure this is a big bummer for people who have weight loss on the top of their list, but I recommend getting yourself in a state of high, mind bending anxiety and the pounds will melt away. Trust me on this and feel free to send any uneaten Twinkies, Hostess Cupcakes or Mounds bars my way. Uh oh, I'm pretty sure I said I would have a colonoscopy in 2009, but didn't. I bought a pair of silver Prada high heels instead. Colonoscopy? Prada? Colonoscopy? Prada? The shoes were cheaper.
Another year went by without having sex in the kitchen. I know, I know, it's on my list every year and I can't seem to get it checked off. I did however, see "Julie and Julia" which took place in the kitchen. I guess I should start taking applications in January and what if if I only interview men under 40? Hmmmmm 2010 is lookin' hopeful. Btw, Dan, don't worry you're safe. I could finally kick the "All My Children" habit or start a 12 step program for others like me. I know you're out there. I've given up on matching Erica Kane husband for husband. I don't have enough years left. I would however, like the name and phone number of her plastic surgeon because she's aging a hell or a lot better than I am. Curses. I'll never turn the channel.
There must be something to resolve. I could give up wine or whining. Why and whhhhhhhy? I could finally act like the Jewish Princess my mother dreamed I would become and shop "last call" at Neimans with her, but then I'd need to be medicated. I'm resolutionless with 3 days left. Help me!
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Please - please don't give up wine, whining or writing. With the loss in weight there would be nothing left of you.
What makes you think you are not a Jewish Princess? You are an atypical Jewish Princess but you definitely are one.
Essentially you have all the Jewish Princess antics but with a twist - your wonderful sense of humor which I believe stems from your ability to not take things too seriously and to forgive yourself for not being perfect - while still pretending that you are.
Last word of advice. Go for the colonoscopy - the camera or whatever they use feels way more comfortable and the shoes don't take a clear picture.
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