How do you spell Hanukah?

"Baah Humbug!" There I said it. It's been roiling up inside of me for weeks and furthermore I feel as Jew it's perfectly acceptable language. After all only eight days in December are designated to me and quite honestly it's hard to keep track of when they start and end. To make matters even worse I don't have the necessary items to actually celebrate Hanukah, or is it spelled "Chanukah?" See I can't even spell the holiday no less partake. For starters I don't have a menorah (the spellling is impossible), a draidel, or the special menorah candles. Birthday candles do not fit in the holders, which is either a merchandising trick or I'm just a loser. Whatever the celebratory food is and I'm fairly certain it's not matzoh, I don't have that either. See how easy it is to get the holiday crankiness going?

Forget the eight days, eight gifts...how do you give a present to another Jew? This can be a nightmare. We are a group that can spot "re-gifting" at 50 feet. I would love to get rid of the little powder blue scarf I got last year but any self respecting JAP could sniff out the smell of the old box and have me shunned. I would be so busted. The gift idea is making me anxious and a little sweaty. I guess I could individually wrap my Xanax stash and give them as the gift that keeps on giving for about eight hours, but I don't like to share.

My nephew is having a Hanukah party and invited some "local Jews," he said. Maybe this is a solution , just post a sign in the neighborhood and see who shows up. In my neck of the woods it would be no one. I get to keep the Xanax