My friend Rick needs help. He isn't stressed out like me about the real meaning of Twitter, cryptic messages on his Facebook wall, or whether or not texting brings happiness...no, no, no poor Rick has fear of restaurants. (I love restaurants; it means I'm not cooking). He is terrified of being seated. This is a phobia about which I know nothing nor have I done any reading; it's new and it's true. Apparently the sign "Please Wait to be Seated" strikes fear in his heart. Whoa Rick, get a grip babe, it's just a sign. "And put the Valium away, it will spoil your appetite." I've dined with him, and have seen how shaken he gets being lead to a table. He turns a grayish white and gets a little sweaty across the eyebrow area. Quick Towelettes!
"The table for two we're headed for is really a table for six because the couples on either side of us are six inches away. Why don't we just ask for a red checkered tablecloth and call it a friggin' picnic"? Rick's testy! I totally agree with him but wish he'd stop sweating. "And look our neighbors hate us...I can see it in their eyes". On second thought , maybe it was time for the Valium! I hate being squished next to strangers cramped against a wall also, especially when the rest of the dining area is EMPTY! This pisses me off...who are these people resting their elbows on my table!? Oh God, what if they talk to me?! I'm moments away from hearing about their son's soccer game. I rip the Valium away from Rick...."don't hog the drugs".
Unlike Rick I have no fear of a maitre d. Oh they can be huffy but I'm a Jewish Princess, I've been trained for just this type of dining warfare. "Excuse me, but we need a different table, I insisted. How about the booth over on the other side of the room"? I glared .... he glared. Rick was that grayish white color. "Of course ma'am". Yes! Truimphantly we walk to our neighbor free table. Rick's still shaken and I'm still wondering if texting brings happiness.
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3 comments:
You're lucky you don't live in NYC anymore. ALL the tables are small and 6" apart. Although the intertwining conversations can be fun sometimes. "Darling I love you and if you let me I" - "don't give one damn about your sexual needs" - "will take care of you for the rest of your life" - "I appreciate that Melvin and fee strongly about you as well" - "but if I don't get the money I feel I'm worth I'm quitting".
Next time you go out with Rick do the Jacky Mason thing. "I want a table where I can look out the window but not one that is in the sun and one where I can see the musicians but not too close to the isle. One where I can get good service but not too close the kitchen..............
You sound a lot like my friend Carol. I bet you're good on hotel rooms, too.
Oh poor Rick, and here is Jen Jen to come op with a logical solution to help this poor man... Next time you go to a restaurant wear a blind fold, people will think you are into kinky stuff but who cares what people think anyway, you will enjoy your meal and think you are alone, no one around just you, your plate your spoon and that's it.. Now I know that the next questions will be "how am I going to read the menu" solution: tell the server to read it for you OR check the menu before you go to the restaurant, they probably have a website... I know you might also ask "how do I eat if I can't see" Answer: by now you should know where your mouth is and also you must know the shape of a fork/spoon so it should be easy... Any other questions please let me know.. There is always a solution to everything and THAT my friend is why I've been called MacGyver and sometimes they call me Doctor and many times they call me bitch.
Next problem please.
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