Monday, August 31, 2009
COYOTE UGLY... The Women's Version
A. and I were talking about men ....
"A. do you think you could have sex with that guy Larry I introduced you to? I mean what would it take? Oh God could you imagine him with no clothes"? (yes women think these things).
She screamed and then slyly remarked, "Is he rich"?
I thought about it..."He's got money....how much would you need"?
Again she pondered and squirmed.
Let me describe Larry. He looks very similar to a lawn gnome: same height, coloring, clothes, and sadly physique. But before I come off as all that's evil in the world...he's a very nice guy. Nice I say!)
A. looked thoughtful , "How rich and do you have any Quaaludes"? I could tell the wheels were turning in her head.
"How many would you want"? Truthfully I hadn't seen any since 1983 but I thought we were on to something.
"Well, she demurred, if he's really really rich, maybe 1 drink and 2 Quaaludes. I'd need to be close to unconscious...oh and an engagement ring".
Wow, A. very nice thinking and kudos for planning ahead. This is how she and I devised the female version of "COYOTE UGLY". And there are no "bags" or messy "arm chewing" involved!
Drug and alcohol free - cute guy, having sex with him wouldn't be a problem. Call me asap if you know this man. I want him too.
1 Drink - not bad looking, but not attractive enough to be completely sober.
1 Drink 1 Quaalude - you're horny and he's all you got, but it could be worse.
1 Drink 2 Quaaludes - worse but he's rich and it could mean a nice vacation next winter.
1 drink 2 Quaaludes and an engagement ring - Lord have mercy on your soul and eyes, but he's extremely rich. Retirement and a personal staff are in your future. Oh and a tasty little Mercedes, as well as a Bergdorfs card and unlimited checking account, no questions asked. You would however need a good pharmacist.
"LAWN GNOME UGLY".... fair is fair.
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1 comment:
Maybe I'll fit. I'm very rich, youthful, good looking and physically fit. I'm also looking for someone to love and marry. If she'll have me.
You see my wife died of a tragic accident on our boat cruise honeymoon. I was emotionally destroyed. However, in a freakish coincidence met an old girlfriend on the same ship. We stopped in a port and went for a swim. She was eaten by sharks before my eyes. It was horrible.
It was as sad as what happened to my sister Ruth. After his wife was bedridden, suffering with a rare painful screaming disease for 47 years one of his children was also eaten by a shark. She married 4 times after that but they all died.
While we try not to complain we have had a bit of a difficult life. Our father was shot in a burglary attempt. He had no idea the owner of that house had a gun.
My mother had 14 miscarriages and died during the last one - just like her mother.
I can't wait to meet you. I have a million other interesting stories to tell you.
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