Thursday, February 19, 2009

Studying the tribal women of Orange County

I need an emergency Rabbi, Priest or anyone bearing cloth! Help! Just when I thought the world couldn't possibly get any scarier, it did. I watched "The Housewives of Orange County". Why would I do this when I was terrified by the "Twilight Zone" and "Shock Theater" as a child? The "housewives" make Freddy Kruger look like a fun attractive guy to hang with. I need holy water asap. Who are these "Orange" housewives and how did they get a tv show?

It was eerily like watching the Travel Channel's "Living with the Mek" except instead of traveling with two wacked out British boys studying this ancient Amazon tribe, I felt like Margaret Mead observing the lives of a back stabbing, foot stamping, narcissistic, garishly ornamented band of 40 year old women living and procreating in Orange County, Ca. Anthropologically speaking, their most notable and common feature were their GIANT breasts. I'm talkin' huge! Parental discretion advised, HUGE. I pondered whether this was a form of tribal status or the work of plastic surgeons on crack. I was miffed, and a bit grossed out. Their clothing was equally confusing. Perhaps the blindingly colored, short, low cut dresses were a way to frighten predators in the wilds of Orange County. Or a fashion tribute to Wilma Flintstone. Personally, I was scared and tempted to turn off the tv so as not to have really bad dreams.

Shamefully, I observed the "Orange Tribe" for 3 hours which included the season finale. Unfortunately their breasts didn't explode, which would have been a really good "cliff hanger". In the end and anthropologically speaking, I kept asking myself the same questions... Could these really be women? Can lives be this empty? And is this wacked out Orange girl tribe on the endangered species list?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Their skin looks like an oncological dermatologist's dream or nightmare- their faces are filled to the breaking point- they have no idea what age appropriate means-- but, last Saturday night at dinner (after doing a great job with mt flat iron) my 33 year old daughter said to me-"Mom, you look like Tamara"! I said "thank you" and felt great all night.

Anonymous said...

I know nothing about the TV show of which you speak but as a healthy, mature widower I do know breasts. I'm from an era where there was 1. natural breasts (wonderful) and B. small realisticly sized implants (OK).
The other variation was push up bras for a better look in clothing (fine).

Things have changed for the worse. We have less natural beauty. What with face lifts, makeup tatoos, sunless tanning, fales eyelashes hair coloring, botox, implants, butt lifts and tummy tucks we men don't know what we have or how old it is. Using some of those things is fine but when all women have big boobs no one has big boobs.

Don't women understand that to most men there are naturally pretty and sexy women. First, they are confident about themselves. Then they add some properly applied makeup and well fitting clothes to their natural instincts toward romance and sex.

Most of us know women who have availed themselves of all that modern science has to offer and still do not turn them on - some even turn them off.

Those of us who think hope it ends before all women - perhaps men too - look alike.

Anonymous said...

I know nothing of the TV program of which you speak. However, as a mature widower I do know breasts. I am from that era where there was 1. natural breasts and B. small, reasonably sized implants. The modification was push up bras for a better look in clothes.

Things have changed for the worse. Now we have hair coloring, false eyelashes, face lifts, butt lifts, botox, sunless tanning, tatooed lips and tummy tucks. With all that we men don't know what we have or how old it is.

Some of these enhancements are fine but some women don't seem to realize that men find women who are pretty and sexy without all that.

These naturally beautiful and sexy women are first of all confident about themselves. They use properly applied makeup and well fitting clothes to their instinctive feelings about romance and sex. The results are far better than all science has to offer.

Please remember if all women have big breasts then no women have big breasts.

Anonymous said...

Ok Gail, I am amazed the only thing you noticed what their breasts, did you notice how the Mek men cover their penis? That looks like a weapon of mass destruction...can they say circumcision? I bet none of them are Jewish… Has anyone told them that condoms are available in all sizes? They give a new meaning to the phrase ‘is that a weapon you are waving at me or you are just happy to see me.. Gee Mek man, keep your pointy prick to yourself… And the Mek women think that’s sexy? Well! Well! well! How kinky can they be?

About breasts... Honey there is two kinds of women; the ones that have them and the ones that buy them. From personal experience the bought ones don't feel natural, you know why? Because THEY AREN'T NATURAL, Duh! If you have them, flaunt them, if you don't then get over it...ok unless you are at the age where you can step on your nipples of course, then get a bungee rope and tie them to your neck or have them completely removed. I was blessed to have a nice pair of knockers, thank you very much….

And a good advice for you Gail… Start watching the Food Network, the only breast that you’ll see would be chicken breast seasoned with love… Or do what I do, drink wine, turn the music up and go into chat rooms. There is more drama there than on TV, and you don’t even have to download your own picture… Some days I look like Jennifer Lopez and some days like Johnny Depp. Depends on my mood… Do I want to be Latin, cute with a great ass or do I want to let them assume I am a gorgeous free hearted pirate man.. And sometimes I just download a pic of my cat and tell everyone I am a feline who learned how to chat on the Internet and work at a circus. Either way those bastards and bitches don’t believe me.. I wonder why…

Cartoons and good too, if you want to gag of course.