Where's WALMART ?

Good-bye Target! I liked you so much, especially the BIG RED T, but I've got to move on. Out there on the horizon is your replacement. The lettering isn't as snazzy or the trademark color as perky but it offers so much more for me. Walmart! It's a veritable planet; the essence of ONE STOP SHOPPING. My eyes almost popped out of my head as I stood in the gigantic doorway... people rushing by toting families of 10, 11, 12, even a small dog who tried to bite me. Was I in Disneyland? I needed a map or Mickey Mouse to get me around. I was dazzled, dazed and about to faint. Slightly sweaty and a bit over anxious I started on my journey.

Want hair care or large amounts of Kraft Singles? Yep, both under one roof! I personally don't like processed cheese but quite honestly I've never seen so much. I needed my roots done and hair cut however. And how about a vision center next to the nail salon. Is that better than sex or what? Speaking of which, dying to fill that Viagra prescription or re-fill your Prozac ... just take a left at the vacuum cleaners. While you're waiting for the Prozac to perk you up , there's a "family fun center"with games, gumballs and a Flying Dumbo. Yipee! Being a wino, my favorite aisle wowed me. I've never seen such bargains; a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc for $2.00 less than I paid 4 hours earlier at Ralphs. I was depressed and made a B-line for the fun center. "UNBEATABLE" and "ROLLBACK" prices were everywhere which brought tears to my eyes.

I never thought it possible to put a new dress and a head of lettuce in the same shopping cart. Admitedly the clothes aren't as cute as at Target and I don't think I'll ever wear the $4 t-shirt with Tinkerbell on it, but the lettuce was only a dollar. On the other hand, instead of buying their clothes I can shop for material in the sewing department and make my own. Right. Would the fun never end here at planet Walmart? I hated to leave... but I had an overpriced bottle of wine waiting for me at home.

Randomly Speaking of You!

Ok, I know you're out there! Come out, come out where ever you are! Those boys and girls who didn't check in with their "random" thoughts about themselves in my earlier blog, I want you! What better subject than yourself? Isn't that everyone's favorite topic? "Enough about me, what do you think about me"? The kids are having fun with the game on "Facebook" and this is a chance to parallel play. Click on "comments" at the bottom and just write what comes to mind. No real thinking required! Even if you contributed already, I want more, more, more!!! WHERE'S JEN JEN? Come on girl, you always have something to say! I know Tom and my sister will sign on again. "Grl Wndr" where are you?

Cat got your tongue?... read the "comments" on "Random thoughts about Me" (Feb 17) as they are funny and fabulous and you'll get the hang of it. I'll jump start the new list because I am definitely my favorite subject.

1. I comparison shop for gas
2. I got arrested in college for stealing a yearbook from the SAE house
3. My dad got me a lawyer
4. I married Billy my next door neighbor when I was 7
5. I hope it wasn't legal
6. All I have in the refrigerator is milk
7. My sister used to hit me with my dad's shoes
8. I finally had sex in college with a mysterious Bob Dylan type grad student
9. I hate board games
10.I wanted to be Dale Evans when I grew up
11.I kinda am Dale Evans
12.I would still "trick or treat" if I could do it without getting arrested
13.I haven't had my roots colored in 8 weeks
14.They look like crap
15.I like to sneak in front of people in line

Enough about me....although there's never really enough.....WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Studying the tribal women of Orange County

I need an emergency Rabbi, Priest or anyone bearing cloth! Help! Just when I thought the world couldn't possibly get any scarier, it did. I watched "The Housewives of Orange County". Why would I do this when I was terrified by the "Twilight Zone" and "Shock Theater" as a child? The "housewives" make Freddy Kruger look like a fun attractive guy to hang with. I need holy water asap. Who are these "Orange" housewives and how did they get a tv show?

It was eerily like watching the Travel Channel's "Living with the Mek" except instead of traveling with two wacked out British boys studying this ancient Amazon tribe, I felt like Margaret Mead observing the lives of a back stabbing, foot stamping, narcissistic, garishly ornamented band of 40 year old women living and procreating in Orange County, Ca. Anthropologically speaking, their most notable and common feature were their GIANT breasts. I'm talkin' huge! Parental discretion advised, HUGE. I pondered whether this was a form of tribal status or the work of plastic surgeons on crack. I was miffed, and a bit grossed out. Their clothing was equally confusing. Perhaps the blindingly colored, short, low cut dresses were a way to frighten predators in the wilds of Orange County. Or a fashion tribute to Wilma Flintstone. Personally, I was scared and tempted to turn off the tv so as not to have really bad dreams.

Shamefully, I observed the "Orange Tribe" for 3 hours which included the season finale. Unfortunately their breasts didn't explode, which would have been a really good "cliff hanger". In the end and anthropologically speaking, I kept asking myself the same questions... Could these really be women? Can lives be this empty? And is this wacked out Orange girl tribe on the endangered species list?

Randomly speaking about me

Crap. I'm totally out of the internet "cool" group which completely bums me out. Tragically, the last time I was "cool" was high school and maybe a few days in college before I cut my hair. I just read there's a big fun hip happening on Facebook. And btw, I'm such a dud I've never visited the storied site and don't really know what it is or does. Nope, "I'm lookin' for love in all the wrong places" I guess. This big fest is called, "25 Random Things About Me". What could possibly be more fun!? Or more boring? RANDOM is the operative word in this writing exercise and so far 5 million people have been willing to 'fess up. Wow, and why?

It sounds kinda intriguing however and time filling. Just to prove I'm not a complete internet loser I've decided to give it a try... but cheat and only write 15. More than that would require a therapist and medication. I'm pleading, begging on my freaking hands and knees that I'm not alone in this. Please, please, pretty please write at LEAST 1 random thought about yourself in the "Comments" at the bottom. I'm on the ledge, don't let me die out here alone!

1. I wanted to marry Spin of the "Spin and Marty" show when I was 10.
2. On second thought I really just wanted his horse.
3. I wanted to be a cheerleader in high school, but "white girl couldn't jump".
4. I cried when Adlai Stevenson lost the election
5. I didn't have sex in high school
6. I only eat the frosting and leave the cake
7. I keep ice skates in the trunk of my car
8. I've been watching "All My Children" for 35 years
9. I never read "War and Peace" but say I did
10. I saw the Beatles at Comiskey Park in Chicago in the '60s, but my
parents had better seats
11. I washed my dad's car with SOS by mistake, but didn't know it was a mistake
12. I wish Oprah would call
13. I can cook but pretend I can't
14. I lie about my mother's age
15 She lies about mine

Confessions of a non Shopaholic

Isn't it ironic that the movie "Confessions of a Shopaholic" is in the theaters at this moment? Is this reverse stimulus package thinking ? Hmmmm. Let's face it boys and girls shopping is out, out, out. Getting caught in a store is down right embarassing and a social faux pas. Quick duck into a dressing room or under a rack of dresses marked down 95% if you see anyone who looks remotely familiar. Who wants to get caught with a bunch of blouses and a credit card in their hand? Not me. It's become unacceptable to buy almost anything except toilet paper. And that gives me the newfangled environmental anxiety ...is it green , biodegradable, chemically pure, unscented, rescented, never been scented, landfill friendly, made from unendangered plant life, yadayadayada . Whew, times are taxing my brain as well as wallet.

I for one am grateful for the shopping hiatus. It takes a lot of pressure off my wardrobe. I am a sneak anti-shopper. I pretend to rifle through sale racks with the girlfriends, or talk about fashion, but I'm not looking or listening. My sister and I devised a method of shopping I fondly call "drive-by shopping". It's cheap, time saving and requires no schlepping. Sadly, I've read there are undercover buyers in our midst...women deviously shoving their pricey purchases into bags from the grocery store so as not to be labeled frivilous. Naughty naughty!

I'd like to personally thank all those fun mortgage brokers, bankers, traders, fed chiefs, and crackerjack economists for helping someone like me be in vogue. Wow, and to think all it took was RL to stand for "risky loans" and not Ralph Lauren!

Economists in the Mist

Crap. Just when I thought it was safe to be stupid and oblivious, along comes another political bru ha ha. Didn't I just vote? The election's over, I wanted to have friends again. Peace and love dude. But no, the battle lines are drawn, guns raised and it's every ARMCHAIR ECONOMIST for himself. Opinions are flying, and fingers pointing. They're slinging words fast and furiously, "inflation, stagflation, recession, depression, New Deal, old deal, no deal... my head's spinning off. "Quick hide it's a Keynesian"! And trust me I have no freaking idea who or what that is....I'm just hiding. "Uh oh a monetarist is in our midst"! Again, "a what"? And do I need to be vaccinated? Everyone has an opinion about the economy and they're pissy, pissy,pissy. Hey, like "can't we all just get along"?

No. I watched the Sunday morning talk shows and at the risk of never having friends again, I agreed with everyone: Newt Gingrich, Robert Reich, Claire Shipman, and George Will. Btw, I have no clue what they were talking about and I might have had a fever. Just out of curiousity, has anyone seen Hank Paulson lately? The little trickster, I bet he's hiding out with Rummy. They sure were fun. Thanks boys, you did a heck of a job.

It's 2009, I wanted peace and quiet, a political vacuum to call my own. I longed to watch Leave It to Beaver re-runs, The Brady Bunch, and have a bake sale, but I can't because... I'm not feeling the love.

The Masters of the Universe are sad.

HOLY COW BATMAN, where are you when Gotham City needs you??? The Masters of the Universe are in deep deep trouble. Oy! Poor things are really poor. Or at least they have what's being called, "recession psychosis"! Quick bring the meds, and the Feds! They have symptoms which include severe anxiety, and suicidal tendencies set off by the economy. Hang on boys and girls because it gets even more dire. Dr. Nabil Kotbi, the psychiatrist who runs the ritzy haven for these "poor" creatures which ironically is called the Haven, said in the New York Times, that our Masters of the Universe suffer from "delusions of poverty". Can you stand it? This dread, dread, dread, condition is associated with psychotic depression AND despite retaining millions of dollars in assets, the patients are crippled by self-doubt, loss of power and sometimes guilt. Whew! And boo hoo.

I have some of those same symptoms and yet no assets. Hold on, here's my favorite part...personality traits that once served our boys well: meglomania, manic swings, obsession, and hot tempers , have turned into liablities as they spend more time at home with the family. I'm shocked. Who doesn't want a manic angry obsessive megolomaniac around the house? Can they make a nice pasta primavera or do yard work? I bet the boys are fun playmates for their wives. Ironically, it's too late for that big divorce settlement. Hang in there girls and may I recommend a morning martini.

Batman come back ! Where can that guy possibly be? Uh oh, I hope he hasn't checked into the Haven....

A moment of silence PLEASE

Yipee! Who wants to join me for a free "grand slam" breakfast at Denny's this morning? I'm running a little late, because the freebee food started at 6 a.m but if I forego showering, (ok, so you'll have to sit at another booth), and throw on some gym shorts I can make it. Maybe twice. Or even three times. I eat fast . Btw, what is a "grand slam" breakfast? I like the sports reference, but it's not baseball season. Who cares, isn't this great?!? And what a change from the bleak, depressing news that hounds us, 24/7. Can't those guys just shut up! Who else wants a minute of silence every day on CNN, Fox, NBC, ABC, MSNBC, CBS...although I doubt those guys can shut their traps for that long. "Blah, blah, blah, disaster, blah, blah, ruin, blah, blah, bail out, blah, blah, recession". Get off my freaking screen!

I'm lovin' Dennys for bringing me these few happy hours. In celebration I may not even read the paper today or listen to the news. Is Sesame Street still on? And what time? There's no law saying I have to watch it with a 5 year old. "What's up Kermit"? Or how about that big purple creature, or the one with the sponge pants; I bet they're not talkin' "asset backed securities, or foreclosure". I say bring back the "Mickey Mouse Club" for the baby boomers who are scared out of their freaking minds. I always wanted to be a Mousketeer and think I'm onto something here. Boomers in mouse hats singing about what day of the week it is! Nice huh? And happy!

I'm off to Denny's as I'm hungry ,so whatever they're serving I'm eating. Free tastes good... Meet me?