"For Richer or for Richer"

Has anyone considered the impact the economy is having on trophy wives? OY! They must be having a really hard time. Yikes girls ,"for richer or for poorer" has become the DREADED "for poorer"! Not what you signed up for, is it? Oh but don't fret, maybe old men are fun even without money?! The two of you will have quality "alone time" now that charity galas are not in the budget. I know, I know, you loved the designer party clothes , but sweat pants are fun for staying home. Perk them up with some jewelry; if it's not being auctioned. There's love without Van Clef and Arpels, right? Btw, buying nail polish at Walgreens is a real cash saver. Did I say something sad? I'm sorry. And with no money for open toed Jimmy Choos or Manolos, hasta la bye-bye to pedicures. See how fun frugality can be!?

About the second home...who needed all that schlepping. I'm certain you didn't marry for a little old house in Aspen or St. Barts. And you know what else "for poorer" means?... no more personal trainer. Whoa, now that's hitting below the belt. So darlin' step away from the brownies. I feel your pain because I love brownies also. Is it too late to re-negotiate those crazy wedding vows? How does "for richer or for richer" sound right about now?

I'm curious, are any of the trophy girls longing for their pre-marital boyfriends... the age appropriate hotties that had hair, height, and no body fat? It's funny what happens in an economic down turn.

Re-name Wall Street and win an SUV

Wall Street needs a new name. I'm sick of that freaking street . I want a happier sounding place. Too bad "Wisteria Lane" is taken by those wacked out housewives. "Wall Street" sounds so dark and depressing; somewhere you'd never want to picnic or vacation with the wife and kids. How about a name changing contest to perk up America? What would be more fun on election day than a contest form attached to the ballot? "Re-name Wall Street and Win a Hummer". I think they have thousands sitting around and would be delighted to unload one. For the next two weeks instead of agonizing over the Presidential race, global recession and asset backed securities we could brainstorm some fun names; kind of a national pick-me-up.

I'm bummed out by those plunging Wall Street numbers. Up, down, down, down, down... oh wait a last minute rally...nope down 835. My nerves are shattered and my mood swings put me in the "Sybil" category. To say nothing of the doomsday hysteria of the CNN, CSNBC, MSNBC, and FOX market analysts. Can someone get those people Xanax asap!? Is it just me or do they seem giddier when the market crashes? Wow kids, good job scaring the crap out of the viewers.

How about it, a "kinder, gentler" name for that depressing old street? So this election day who wants to win the Hummer?!

Come Party with a Saudi Oil Baron! and maybe Alan Greenspan

I'm throwing a party and everyone's invited. I've got a huge day ahead making arrangements. I'm sorry about the short, short, notice, but the gala event is tonight before it's too late. Cocktail attire please but if that's not possible, then business casual. (If you work at home exactly what does that mean)? Since I'm not usually a party giver I'm nervous about details like food. Maybe you should eat a little something first. Oh btw, BYOB. The cheap rumors are true. I'm trying desperately to get a Saudi oil baron and some OPEC members to attend.

What's more spiritually uplifting than "last call" at Neimans? Nothing? Wrong. Gas for $2.95! Oh my God, be still my heart and why does this make me so damn happy? There it was on the horizon calling to my little Honda... "I'm over here ...$2.95 a gallon... like a dream come true"! Isn't this better than sex? I jumped out of my car and filled my tank as fast as I could in case the price went up. I was sweating and shedding tears of joy. I ran into the gas station to share my jubilance with anyone/everyone who was there. Honestly, I was disappointed there was only one guy eating a hot dog with no noticeable tears of joy, but probably heartburn.

I hope anyone who attends my gas station gala needs a fill up. $2.95 is so much more fun than $4.00 a gallon, which quite honestly gave me stomach pain and a deep sense of financial loss. Should I invite Alan Greenspan? I bet he has a tux and could use a pick me up after being blamed for his part in the country's complete economic collapse. "W" likes Saudi oil barons, so he might have a good time. And absolutely no one bring Dick Cheney; ick, ick, ick. Besides I think he's missing again. 7:00 p.m. the Shell station on hwy 50 just west of rte 45, Bristol, Wisconsin. Be there!

Joe the plumber call me!

Will "Joe the plumber" please call me? Although I'm certain his phone hasn't stopped ringing since last night's debate and I'm sure he'd pick up for Tom Brokow before me. Hey Joe it's probably safe to say you're the most famous plumber in United States history. John McCain mentioned your name 20 times! Wow babe, no one's said my name that many times in the course of a year. I can't imagine you won't see a big boost in your business or is it straight to the "made for tv movie"? Does anyone have a good publicist for Joe and how much better can this campaign get for Saturday Night Live? Oh and Joe's a crafty guy, he wouldn't reveal who's getting his vote. Great career move I say; keep 'em guessing and begging.

Thank God that was the last debate. I am so over it and out of disposable china to throw at the tv. John was a pit bull on a pant leg wasn't he? But wait Sarah's the pit bull in lipstick. Dog metaphors never work. My mom's become a real wino during this campaign. We've found it impossible to watch the debates sober. Even my dad who only drinks teensy weensy sips of Mogan David on holidays has chugged down a beer in order to dull the pain of watching. Why oh why, couldn't one of those veteran moderators have stood up and screamed , "ANSWER THE FREAKING QUESTION ALREADY"! Or just reached across and choked each of them. I'd sure have felt better.

I say enough of this election folly. It's gone on far too long. I want to vote already!! And why can't those undecideds decide? What is anyone going to say with 18 days left to change their vascillating little minds? Decide for God's sake! It's a choice between two men who do not really feel your pain, but want to be President and fly around in Air Force One. Or just write in Joe the plumber.

"Sell, baby sell" or global post-it notes

SELL! BUY! SELL, SELL, SELL! No buy! It's a good time to buy. But wait ,I'm nervous, I need to sell. Anything. Everything. Cash, I should have cash. I rip my wallet open; crap, not enough to make it to 5:00p.m. I look around my office. Anyone want to buy my stapler? I'll throw in extra staples. The tv, how about the tv? It has a very nice flat screen and could fit in a large purse. The dog looks worried as I glance over at him . He stays even if it means my giving up being a blond. I send a quick email of apology to my colorist. Is this "trickle down" economics I wonder? Frantically I decide to expand my sell-off and run madly from room to room placing post-it notes marked "stays"/ "goes". The living room suddenly looks too yellow .

I'm confused and realize I need an economist to help me . But which one and do any of them make house calls? No two agree or have the same rescue plan which makes my head spin. Can anyone count to $700 billlion? I've done my homework trying to understand the financial crisis. I can use "asset backed securities, bundles, commercial paper and liquidity in a sentence, maybe even all in the same freaking sentence but my nerves are still jangled. Ben Bernake, Hank Paulson right now my dad looks smarter than either of you...he has piles of cash under his bed . Wow dad, your long term financial planning has finally paid off!

Well the good news is the crisis has taken my mind off of the election. I really, really needed a debate break. I haven't thought about Sarah Palin in days which has helped my digestion and allowed me to cancel my therapist. Nothing quite like global bankruptcy as distraction. In the meantime I've got to get back to my selling .... or should I be buying?! Please call me asap if you know.

Sarah and me!

Wow Sarah, we have something in common after all. It didn't seem possible but apparently it is. I've just read that you hate weathermen, even think they're terrorists. Well what a coincidence I couldn't agree with you more. They scare the living bejesus out of me. They're among us and frightening. We should all be afraid...be very afraid. I think weathermen are dangerous also, but I'm especially terrified of the one on channel 5 here in Chicago. I know he's just waiting on the roof eagerly and sadistically for the first flake of snow to fall. Then he's all histrionic warning "RUN, HIDE, IT'S COMING, IT'S FALLING FAST, BIG BAD SNOW. It's on the way from Minnesota, Nebraska, maybe even Alaska. Stay home ,lock the doors, don't drive, get lots of water and canned goods". Oh God, he's smiling.... he only smiles in the winter. I'm terrified.

Sarah's right weathermen are scary, scary, scary. They've made me cry with predictions of dire storms heading right at me! I'm a wimp but she's from Alaska ,so help Sarah, help....I need advice on how to dress warmer. It's October, those weathermen will be in full force soon. I need protection. Can you and John McCain save me from these men? You say you can. I hope we wear the same size and can send some heavy sweaters and a good pair of boots.

Uh oh! Hold on a sec, is Sarah talking about those other weathermen? The ones from the Vietnam War era when I was in college and Barak Obama was in grade school? Whoops, maybe I was wrong and we don't have anything in common after all... unless she likes tomato soup.

Alaskan Valley Girl

Sarah, quit staring at me. Oh and the cute little winks didn't work either. You may be talking to someone babe, but it's not me. For starters I was an English major. English as a first language, not second. I really don't want my Vice President to tell Putin he's "darn right". Or we need "a heck of a lot more" cooperation. Just as a little aside and something I remember from either grammar or middle school when words end in "ing" you actually PRONOUNCE the "g". It doesn't get dropped for an n' . Oh I'm a stickler, I know. Words like: "betcha, ya , 'em, hurtin', bring 'em to ya, doin', comin',and somethin", really hurt my ears, so if you're elected could you please get an English tutor? One more little thing re: the language ,NUCULER is not a word. I know President Bush thinks it is...but it's not. It's nuclear.

I'm glad the debate is over. For a while there I thought it would never ever end. After 8 minutes I was staring at the clock wondering how I could stand another 82. I couldn't decide whether to pinch myself to make sure it wasn't a big bad dream or look around to see if I was being held hostage in a prison camp where they make you listen to Marge from the movie "Fargo" discuss foreign policy until you confess. Funny how questions never did get answered regardless of Gwen Ifil's attempt at keeping our little Alaskan Valley Girl focused. I wasn't on the debate team, but when I was called on in class I responded to the question and actually knew the answer. I don't want to be Vice President however.

My dad thought Sarah should have talked more about her years as a Girl Scout leader because she seemed as qualified as one. They lead troops, don't they? Oh Dad, you're a jokester! Thank the Lord the election is only a few weeks away because I'm soccer and hockey mom'd out as political discourse. I am worried however, that they might be tough ass competitors when we're all lined up at at Home Depot applying for a job if things don't CHANGE soon.