"Mom, with Mother's Day coming up I have to ask you something. Why didn't you teach me to cook?!" Do you realize that dreaming of being a Mousketeer was a total waste of my time? There was no future money in wearing a hat with ears or singing about the days of the week. In the end who cared that Monday meant "we're going to have a special guest?" A big waste of my youth and visions of fame and fortune. Nope, I should have taken my little plastic blue stove FAR more seriously. Instead of making Play Dough pink cookies with sprinkles I should have been considering the alternative of brioche with fresh jam. Damn. And why didn't we put up preserves instead of buying Welch's grape jelly? Or make cupcakes from scratch and ixnay the Hostess brand. Do you realize this could have started me on the road to becoming Martha Stewart? Why did I want to be Annette, I'm flat chested, it made no sense.
Mom, I could have been a celebrity chef if only you taught me to slice, dice, mince, chop, and puree. We should have been reading recipes not "Curious George" or "Heidi." Although the way Heidi layered her clothes she probably had potential to be on "Project Runway." But a monkey? Cooking is bigger than Hollywood. I think Mario Batali makes more money than Brad Pitt and no one even cares about his weight. And how about the Naked Chef- although I've never seen him naked but would like to. I could have been the one to make Coq au Vin naked first. Although on second thought too much pressure to shave my legs. At the very least I could have had a hot affair with my fav Anthony Bourdin in a meat locker. I still wouldn't rule that out.
Every hour of every day on every channel, what's on my TV screen Mom? Cooking shows that's what. They're even taking Erica Kane and "All My Children" away from me and replacing it with a freaking Viking stove and 5 minute Beef Bourguignon. Mom, Why didn't we make pie crust from scratch, pluck our own chickens,or have hens in the laundry room laying eggs for Eggs Benedict? Sadly and alas all I can make is reservations.
Happy Mother's to all and remember the wise words of Julia Child "If you're afraid of butter, use cream."
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3 comments:
Ah yes the quickest way to a man's heart (and that gereral area) is through his fat belly....
Yeah mom I could have watched her make Coq au Vin naked - would have drawn the line at watching her pluck a chicken naked - though.
Happy Mothers Day to all moms.
Mr. Anonymous
Yes, you're right, Gail. Had your mother taught you the culinary arts, things certainly would have been better. Or you could have been Annette. Better still!
As for having a tempestuous affair with Anthony Bourdain, everybody wants to do that. Get in line, behind me.
But if you want to make me coq au vin naked someday, I'll do my best to forget all about Anthony Bourdain and Annette!
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