"What did you say? I can barely hear you, it's all static."
"I must be in a bad cell," I scream exasperatedly, wanting to pull my hair out or drive into a ditch.
Crap. Another conversation with someone bitching that they can't hear me. In complete frustration I rip the little black box that's supposed to keep me "hands free" off my visor, fling it on the seat, pick up my cell phone and call them back. It took me 15 tries to sync the freaking device with my phone and no one can hear me? Then who was I connected to? This scares and intrigues me. I'm trying to be"hands free" but people keep yelling "are you there?" which drives me nuts. I scream back those infamous words that have become more recognizable than "to be or not to be," - "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" But no one can hear me now or any other time I use my Bluetooth device.
I've failed Bluetooth in a state where it's illegal to drive holding a cell phone. I had to choose between not talking or risk getting a ticket. I picked talking. My cell phone has become an extension of my head. I am always on it unless I'm showering. Don't ask the "sex" question. I try as best I can to have my hair cover the phone while driving. I constantly have my eyes peeled for police. If I spot a cop I throw the thing on the seat next to me or floor - so far so good. I made it 5 months and 12 days then I got sloppy. Damn. I was happily chit chatting with a friend when I slipped up. Totally out of character or my mind I was not on the look-out for police.
Flashing lights appeared in my side mirror and a motorcycle cop had me red handed. Geez. Too late to fling the phone, I pulled into a parking lot to take my punishment. "Ma'am," he started...."I know Officer, I politely interrupted, please understand I never talk and drive. I had to take the call because it was my Dad and he's really old and sick." "That's too bad" he replied sympathetically but it didn't fly. I should have burst into tears. I should have batted my eyes and flirtatiously promised never to do it again, but that hadn't worked in over 15 years. I should have bribed him except I wasn't in Chicago. I was doomed to $170 ticket hell. I hung my head in despair and financial ruin.
When the officer walked back to my car with the ticket he reassured me it wasn't a moving violation but an "infraction." All I knew was that I wasn't going to Saks any time soon. As he handed me the paperwork he shook his head and said, "You sure don't look the age on this license." Priceless!
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2 comments:
A priceless comment about not looking your age is worth a pull-over. Maybe not $170. But then again, maybe.
I know that cop - he always says that and walks away snickering. I could have opened that way but I'm tired and in a bad mood so I'll take the really mean path. He meant you look older than your pic. The middle path is, "Those license pics are always so bad you can't tell".
Anyway, I don't knowhow old you are but you look damn good for pastpausal woman or a prepausal one,for that matter. So when I'm 18 I'm going to write and ask for a date. I dig older chicks.
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