Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Abdicated my Throne for a Bowl of Chili

My streak ended. It's a bittersweet moment when you break a streak regardless of the dubious achievement of having attained it. My "Queen of One Date" title has been revoked by virtue of the fact that I went on a second date. Curses! I had become royalty in my own mind, although I didn't have the appropriate clothes or jewelry. I think an Ermine collar on a red robe was necessary and a 20lb tiara. Not having been asked on a second date in six months my knee jerk reaction when suddenly and surprisingly invited was an immediate "yes." I should have deliberated far more carefully - weighed the options. Date? Queen status? It's not every girl that gets to be Royal even if it's for being a dating loser.

My "streak" ending date invited me over for turkey chili. Yes, read this and weep. I surrendered the crown for a lousy bowl of beans. I was also nervous about going over to a veritable stranger's house for a second date. I received endless warnings and advice: "don't go", "meet in a public place" and "bring mace, a gun, brass knuckles, or sharp stick." I was worried and weaponless but went. I arrived hungry and after the obligatory house tour I looked around for pre-dinner appetizers. Sweaty and a bit hypoglycemic I was desperate for a cracker. He handed me a glass of wine but zippo in the form of food. He wanted to talk about art, I wanted a vitamin B12 shot to stay conscious. Sadly and boringly I gave him the art history lecture I've heard myself say a million times being an art dealer for 24 years. I might have dozed off after Impressionism. I know I lost him during Warhol.

And speaking of Campbell soup cans I needed soup or anything as I was about to keel over. Finally I declared I wanted dinner. He took out two bowls and filled them with chili from a tiny pot on the stove- teenie tiny pot. Mr. Streak Breaker then put the pot in the sink as it was empty! Next he placed between us the smallest loaf of bread I've ever seen. I think I served bigger loaves when I played tea party with my dolls. I scarfed down the beans and two pieces of bread. There was nothing more, dinner over. Dessert was only something about which I could dream or stop and buy on my way home.

My title relinquished for a bowl of chili. I've asked my Gonepausal girls on Facebook if I could be granted an annulment of date two but the majority ruled it counted. I learned the hard way there is nothing like being a "Royal" regardless of how you get the crown.


Anonymous said...

Gail, You will always wear the crown in my eyes. My friends voted for annulment. So there. John

Anonymous said...

You're right it was funny and I'm truly sorry that you lost your position in royalty. After all, royalty is royalty, as you say.

Perhaps he'll invite you out for a second dinner and you could begin another streak of most dates w/o a decent meal.

Do not move on to kissing until your stomach has been filled to the proper level. That activity should only be tested in the glow of a little wine (very little) and plenty of good food. Too little food and you might try to eat his lower lip and no woman wants a man with no lower lip. Too much could lead to gas and the end of a relationship, although you might laugh all the way home. Better bring Elliot for an easy out.

This guy probably is pretty good looking and smart or funny to get you into his home for dinner on a second date. Hold off on the kissing until he gives you either a large diamond or a trip around the world and insists on bringing your parents along to prove his motives are pure.