Uh oh another national holiday weekend looms on the horizon. Curses! This doesn't make me joyful. Didn't we just have one? (" No Mom, I don't mean Mother's Day." ) Personally I'd prefer they weren't so close together. I need time to relax and recuperate from the stress of the last holiday. I don't have a grill which is a long weekend requirement. Even if I did I'd be very nervous about blowing up the house, myself, and my guests. Speaking of "guests" I don't have those either , which brings me to my next problem - the stress of finding guests. I wonder if they have an "available guests" category on Craig's List? And would they work for free or require a salary and health care?
I'm also not a parade person although Beefy Boy sees them as an opportunity to get attention especially if I put him in a monogrammed hat. I view them as crowded and too colorful. I long for the giant inflated Mickey Mouse from the Macy's Day parade. No Mickey no me. Bands and Boy Scout troops marching down the street wreak havoc with traffic . What if someone invites me over for a July 4th party and I can't get there? I think I dreamt this and woke up in a sweat longing for corn on the cob.
The holiday is getting closer and closer and my stress level is mounting with each passing day. I'm out of meds but consider buying a grill instead as a symbol of personal growth and to help pick up the economy. But if you are having a picnic or party I'm available.
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Oh anti-holiday person your troubles are over.
Costco is now selling plastic fences, false house fronts and 50 feet of cardboard grass (including 3 varieties of weeds-crabgrass, dandelion and fescue). Another seven bucks will get you a couple of loads of rubber dog crap.
The kit even includes all the tools you need to set it up. When it is complete you can pick up a wooden pretend grill and a spray bottle of "burnt burger scent".
Next stop, Rent-a-Mess for your paper garbage and it's on to the mannequin store for your guests.
This year they are offering a politically correct variety package for $59.95. It contains 4 caucasians, 3 asians, 5 hispanics, 3 Africa Americans, a spattering of muslims and a hand pump.
When it's set up you dose behind the fake house front while your getto blaster grinds out horrible music.
Your neighbors will be talking about your great house party for weeks and what they can do to get invited to the next one.
No more dreary holidays forn you.
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